Friend Zone

4-21-15

What if my boys don’t find friends?

Yes, this may be a silly question. I know they play fine with kids and I have heard them both declare best friends in the past, but it doesn't mean that they will find the Marshall to their Ted. It is one of the things that fuels a real amount of stress in me being how much I am heavily dependent on social interaction, despite my declarations of shyness.

The worry hit me when my mom mentioned both boys saying that everyone in their class hated them. This is a statement I know every child probably utters at some point in their adolescence. That doesn’t mean that it isn’t something that is a red flag in my mind.

Bobby had an incident last week in which a couple of kids in his class were being, well, kids. They were being cruel in things they were saying to him, which from what I gathered later included jabs at the amount of cats we own. Even though I explained to Bobby that if his friends want to call me a crazy cat lady, I am not offended, it doesn't mean he wasn't offended. The taunting resulted in tears and luckily one of the nice boys in the class went for help so as to stop the barrage of assholery.

The school carnival was on Friday, and as much as I enjoy experiencing these things with both of them, I really wanted them to find their people and make memories with them. Bobby couldn't find his best friend till later in the evening, and even then he was reluctant to hang out with him because his friend was with another classmate. Dax only wanted to hang out with Bobby, which may be cute, but what happens when Bobby isn't around?

I was a shy kid, and although I got along fine with my peers, I didn't have my close circle until the 7^th grade. I had the people I played with at recess, and happily still keep in touch with all of them, but I recognize they were not the ones I would turn to in real times of need. They were not the ones in which I would declare BFF’s nor would they even be ones I saw in high school. This fact certainly gives me some hope that both boys will find their niche at some point in the near future.

That being said, what if they don’t?

Sadly, my image of how friends should be often turns to something like Friends the show. I have always idealized the relationship dynamics that I thought would be in my life. When I was young, I remember reading Beverly Cleary books and Judy Blume books, hoping someday I would get to go to the soda fountain with my peeps. Ok, sure, the soda fountain wasn't exactly realistic what with it being the 80’s, but the concept was still there. My friends would be my surrogate family during my youth and hopefully then grow old with me.

This did not happen. There are many people that I have kept close, but for the most part, any person who has had a place of prominence in my life has drifted away due to geography, arguments, and just the growing up process. I have gathered new people along the way, but even some of them have fallen to the wayside. There is a large part of me that knows this isn't a big deal, and in fact, pretty common. There is the other part of me, the one that is super loud and insecure, that is convinced it is my fault and there is a fear that more people will leave.

So when I watch my boys interact with the kids in their class or the members of their soccer team, I find myself over analyzing every word spoken or every laugh that comes from their mouths. I know kids can be total bastards at times, so my concerns are real. However, I pride myself in working towards allowing the boys to find their own path and to not coddle them too much when it comes to their relationships with other people. Sure, I joked with Bobby after the teasing incident in class that I would gladly spit on his classmate’s cupcake or purposely make her lose when she was at our game booth at the carnival. He chuckled, but in some ways, I wonder if I shouldn't have said anything. I wanted to help him open up and talk about how it made him feel, but by offering up such childish solutions even in a comedic fashion, I may be hurting his progress with this.

I told the boys that they could have an end of the school year party. I said we could invite all their friends, get the pool set up and have a whole day event of playing. Both seemed reluctant to accept the offer, which made me wonder if it was concern over people actually showing up, or if they just don’t want the hassle of a huge social event. I understand this simply because I have the same anxiety when I arrange a party. Who will come? Will they like my food? Is my house clean enough? Are they just humoring me? Even though the boys may think I am a confident person, they don’t know the inner storm I fight daily.

At this point, I really need to just be patient. They are good kids and someone will become their bestie and this will all be a mute-point. But until then, you can be assured that every day I see them on their way home from my front door, sometimes with other kids, sometimes alone, I will watch, crossing my fingers that I am just the crazy mom who freaks out internally over silly things.