Selfish

11-23-10




Do you ever worry that you will be disenchanted by doing good things? Or does just the knowledge that even though your kind words, good deeds and well wishes were unappreciated, you are still good?



I worry about it. I am not saying I do a lot of nice things for people. But when I do, I unfortunately feel more entitled to gratitude than I really should. This then causes guilt because then it reinforces the idea that there are truly no unselfish acts. I agree with Joey on this. Even doing something nice is selfish because you usually feel good about it. And if you don’t feel good about it, it makes you some kind of a martyr. The dilemma!



The over thinking monster rears its ugly head!



I deleted coach and ETM from FB. Coach sent me a text last night asking for my current email. I don’t know if that means she noticed the lack of electronic friendship or if she truly is just that retarded that she doesn’t just have it in her email. Hell, ETM may have told her my beef and she is going to email be about it. My other thought it that she is going to ask us for money, too, for a present for the assistant coach, who is ETM’s husband. Sigh.



Ken asked me if my not wanting to go to the party is “doing it for Bobby” or just because I am a bitch. He didn’t use those words, mind you, but he should have. It is true, I have told Ken all season that we should bite our tongues and just cheer for Bobby’s sake. A party that will last all of 2 hours is doable. Yes, it is on a school night, an hour before bedtime, but whatever. Suck it up, Gena.



I want my kids to learn how to pick their battles. I may need to learn this first.



Ok, this is an admission that I have not told anyone. I tell you, my readers (I believe there are what, 3 of you?) because you see what I write (and some of you can see what I don’t) and know me. I have noticed a small amount of the blues. I have no reason for it, and I tend to perk back up when I try to figure out what it is from. It feels almost as irrational as baby blues. It worries me because I believe my crazy pills can cause this. I will continue to monitor it and see if I can come up with any ideas for an alternate cause, but I did want to document this.



It is much too early for the boss to be annoying. I will cut him slack. I think I am just cranky and it isn’t as though he was trying to be. It comes natural.



Skeleton crew at work tomorrow. If I am lucky, the boss will be one of the missing.



Apparently no amount of caffeine is going to wake me up this morning. I hate being tired. Stupid bad dreams.



I find it interesting that all of my bad dreams include someone leaving me. Not in death, mind you. But dumping me or just deciding they can’t be around me anymore. This must be my biggest fear. The idea of being alone. I have always has this fear. I am sure it is some of the subconscious motivation behind having children. Of course, that it just silly since they are the first to leave.



I am pleased to report that I was granted my time off request. This means I am off the 24th through the end of the year. I am being issued a company laptop so that I may work from wherever my ass resides during that time. This is way cool since it means that I don’t have to worry about not being around. This means a Compound Christmas! I am hoping for snow since it will be fun to watch Luna in it.



No word yet from coach or ETM. Don’t know what that means.



Do you ever have one of those days where you look in the mirror and realize you have flaming red hair?



When you have to blow on the eyelash twice, does it mean your wish doesn’t come true?



I am now rocking a Red Bull thanks to Ken and the boys. They had to come get Brandy’s keys from me since he didn’t realize they were in my car. Oops.



Ok, I need to figure out why my report isn’t available yet, so I will post this now since I don’t expect to write anymore.