gray matter

11-15-11


I have to have a biopsy.

I went in for my mammogram yesterday. It was not what I expected, but it was interesting. The room was much more cozy than I had expected. The machine was funky looking, but not intimidating at all. I had to place my boob on this slab. And not just a little of the boob. She pulled and tugged to make sure every ounce of boobage was placed on the board. I always thought my boobs looked pancake like when flat like that before. Now take 28 pounds of pressure in the form of this clear plexi-glass thing on top of it. Who knew it could get so flat? Yes, I was told to hold very still for those pictures. I kind of held my breath, but honestly, it wasn’t that bad. The nurse even told me I did awesome for my first time. It wasn’t painful in the least. Not comfy, either, but at least I didn’t scream as the nurse told me I was allowed to do. BTW-note to nurse, it is never a good thing to inform a patient before a procedure like this that you are allowed to yell out in pain. I swear, I was expecting them to hit my boob with a hammer or something. On second thought, it did make it less than expected, so perhaps this was the plan.

After the mammogram, they told me I would be able to do the ultrasound in that building instead of having to wait a couple hours to go to another. Yay! Ken was able to come in for this one. The tech, along with most of the staff there, were cold and bitchy. We were asking some pretty standard questions, and tech lady just kept telling us to wait for the doctor. Yet she was dolling out medical advice. The first of which was that I should not be squeezing my boob. Look, lady, if it was mastitis, I was expressing what crud was in there, which my other doc said was fine. I wasn’t doing anything rough. I breast fed for a total of 30 months. I think I know how to take care of my boobs. She was really pissy about it, too. I tried to stay chipper, though, since let’s face it, I didn’t want her missing something because I pissed her off.

The doc came in and re did part of the ultrasound. She was concerned about what she saw. In the one duct, where you could feel the lump on the outside, there was what she said looked gray on the image. It should not look gray. She showed us other, good ducts. This gray could be nothing. It could be debris like blood from the original infection, or it could be some kind of growth. The problem is, we won’t be able to tell what said substance is without a better test. She decided a biopsy was the best route. It would be able to remove some actual tissue so that they can test it thoroughly.

They were supposed to call me yesterday afternoon to schedule the appt for this week, but I have not heard back. I need to call them this morning when they open. I am hoping to have it done Thursday.

I don’t know how I feel about all of this. All of yesterday, I was pretty upbeat about it, figuring that really, I am just getting answers. This is a good thing, right? Then I made the mistake of reading through the required packet they give you. It is entitled “A Woman’s Guide to Breast Cancer Diagnosis and Treatment”. Breast cancer? I don’t have that. At least, we don’t know that for sure. Hell, this is probably something else, right? This is why I am doing this test, to figure out that it is nothing. Still, it is kind of scary. What if this is cancer? It can’t be a good one since I had the crap coming out of my boob. Symptoms of breast cancer include bloody discharge and a strange lump. Fuck!

I am not in full panic mode yet. I figure I am kicking diabetes in its ass, why not do the same to cancer, right? But it isn’t cancer yet. It is probably just a nasty case of mastitis gone awry.

Can you see how my brain goes stupid?

I had to leave a message for my appt. Sigh. I just want it scheduled so I know.

I think my mom was pretty freaked out when I told her.

So needless to say, I am more twitchy than normal today.

Of course, that could be the tea talking.

My dress doesn’t fit right anymore. Yes, there is cool about that since it means I am still losing weight. But I don’t have the money to buy new clothing!

Also, to really understand how crazy the mind of a hypochondriac, self-esteem issue chick, check out this thought I had: What if I am only losing weight because I am sick?

I have not told the boys that I get to have a giant needle shoved in my chest as of yet.

I did enjoy sitting in the kitchen with the boys last night, each of them taking turns on this stool as I applied Star Wars tattoos on them.

I cleaned out my old desk last night, getting ready to replace it with my new awesome desk. It is huge, which seems wrong to make Ken have this tiny desk, but I think I will live. Sorry, babe! LOL!

I can’t believe it is almost Thanksgiving! Holy crap!

Ok, my overthinking head is on overdrive. Rather than allow it to spew more, I will close this.