tragedy

9-23-13

Sadness hung over all of the success of the weekend.

I got home on Friday with the intent to change for painting along with feeding and also packing up the kittens to go over to Steve. I knew we would be there late and I thought that since Stephanie was bringing Sabrina that the kitties would have lots of audience while us grownups worked.

The black and white kitten was always tiny. He seemed frail right out of the gate. I worried about him every day, but he seemed stronger than what I would discover. His tiny body looked like he was sleeping but I knew. He was the first one to greet me at the cage door each time and when he didn’t move I fell to the floor in a heap of sobs.

No one else was home, which made it all the worse. I gathered the other two and held them as the tears flowed. I could hardly catch my breath. I managed to feed the other two making it hard to determine if they were getting wet from formula or tears.

I was unable to stop crying for about 25 minutes when I finally just fell into shock. I could hardly function. I sat on the bed with the remaining kittens and held them. The rest of the household sensed my sad and all of them came to me. In fact, for the first time, no one hissed at the little ones. It was a collective cat hug that was subtle, but it meant the world to me.

I was able to get myself together to head over to Steve since I had to still go get my kids. I took the kittens with me in their carrier, unable to consider the idea of leaving them anywhere at that point. I now dreaded the inevitable conversation in which I had to inform the boys that one of them had died.

Dax came out first. I am sure I looked strange, what with it being overcast and cold and I was wearing my sunglasses anyway, rocking with a black cat carrier close to my chest. Dax was tickled to see the kittens, but sensed my mood. I told him quietly that I had bad news and that the little black and white kitten had passed away. He was shocked, and for a moment I saw the flash of tears across his eyes. He instead used shock to keep himself in check. He asked how and I explained that the kitten was just weak. He worried that the other two had killed him. I explained that this was not the case and that he actually just looked like he was sleeping.

Bobby came out and I also started by saying I had bad news. Dax interrupted me and said, “No, Bobby. It is horrible news.” Bobby was sad, but he instantly asked me if I was ok. He quickly held my hand and walked home that way. He was very sweet, and both of them asked questions, all of which were reasonable and hard to answer when I was holding back the next wave of tears.

Ken got to Steve only just after we arrived after school. I went to help him bring in some wood from the truck and I was somber and weepy. He was confused. He had known about the death since I had texted him. Although I wonder what I actually texted him since I could not see the screen when I was frantically trying to communicate with him.

Ken was confused. He didn’t understand my sadness. I have to admit, when he responded to my text, I was hopeful that he was dropping everything in his class and was rushing to my side. Instead, he didn’t even get why I was still so upset.

It is hard to explain to some people why you might get sad about things. I have been known to cry at the drop of a hat, though, so in some ways it seems like it would be pretty obvious why I cried at the death of this little critter who was in my care for less than a week. I cry at the death of fictional characters, yet this is a little kitty that I held and fed and rocked to sleep on occasion. Although I never named him or thought of him as my own, he was a part of me. I feel as though I failed him. It wasn’t even that he died. It was that I wasn’t there with him when it happened.

That cloud has hung over me all weekend.

Although the darkness gripped me, the rest of the weekend was productive. Stephanie and I primered the master bedroom. It was nice to have such a good distraction. It is amazing how much quality time one can have when you are working on a project. LOL! It was also nice to watch our kids running around. At one point, I did see the cute little blond girl running after the boys with a giant semi automatic nerf gun. Of course, the boys were armed too with their cutlass and blaster. You know, a pretty reasonable arsenal of weaponry.

Saturday was game day, and the only one in which we had such a large gap between the two game times. Bobby’s game was a lot of fun to watch. Dax’s was frustrating. We were doing better the second half, but despite the numerous chances, we just couldn’t get the ball in the net. Dax got hurt early in the first quarter. I used every bit of restraint when it came to running out to him. You have to wait for the head ref to “invite” you out. I yelled out to John and was in a full sprint when he just glanced at me. I was out next to Dax, who had apparently taken a cleat to the knee. I ended up carrying him off. He was ok, and when he went in second quarter he was fired up pissed. He had a tremendous game. He was also just happy that his new bestie from class was on the other team. I was pretty excited for that, too. It is really cool how many kids they now know when they are out on the fields.

Yesterday was even more work. We did have a slight detour when poor Chris’ motorcycle broke down. Luckily we happened to have Frank Kenny’s truck so we could pick him and the bike up. I felt bad that he was on his way to a wedding and missed it. Such a shame.

We bought paint. We bought drywall. We went to Steve where we installed the fridge. My folks were doing the primer coat in the guest room. They will start painting for reals today since we picked up the colors for both the master and guest rooms. Ken doesn’t have class today so he will be able to go work on the panels in the family room. It will be a busy Steve day.

We worked hard there and tore ourselves away at almost 4 since I still needed to help Bobby with his campaign poster along with dinner. Plus, Ken was heading over to Costco.

Bobby came home Thursday and handed me this sheet of paper and said, “Hey mom, this is something I am kind of interested in.” Turned out, this was one of those things that the students were only given the paper if they asked. It is for the room rep election. Student Counsel! My kid wants to be a part of it! So cool. We made a poster and made sure to add all of the different characters kids in his class might like. We thought this would be fun. We also included a quote from  Adventure Time in which Jake says, “Dude, suckin at something is the first step to being sorta good at something.” Love it.

Back to School night is this week, but other than that it should be just a week full of practice and Steve. I am hoping to go shopping this coming weekend as I still need a dress for the reunion. Gotta wait for a paycheck to do that.

Now to just get through a day of work.