Conundrum

Family is a funny thing.

We have the ones we get because they share our blood line. We don’t choose them. We have the ones that married into the mix. We may have been the one to choose one or two of them, but for the most part, they are someone else’s choice. But there is the third set of family. They are the ones that somewhere along the line the entered our hearts and in many ways, became even more important than the peeps with the same last name as us. They are the family by choice.

These people have a unique hold on our lives. We cry when they cry, we laugh when they laugh and they represent extensions of us that we will never shake. Even in the worst storm, we will see the light breaking through the clouds, ready for the calm and the cleanup.

What happens when that bond is irreparable? Is it really over? Do you really move on from this relationship or does time heal all wounds?

It has always been hard for me to completely walk away from people. Sure, I close the door often but it is never locked. Yet each time I deal with the door, I hurt. I can’t say I regret having closed any of the doors. I did it for a reason and much of the time was done to protect myself. I push a person out of the room so I no longer have to be frustrated or tired or even in some ways, abused.

So what happens when I have to close that door on the family by choice?

I don’t regret it. I have been frustrated for years and in particular I have found that the last 8 years have been the hardest. Why 8? 8 years ago my son was born. It was the beginning of the end.

Motherhood had given me a new life. I am not suggesting I didn't like my old life, nor do I feel like all that is old needs to go away. If anything, I have a new appreciation for things. I find humor in the smallest things and will sacrifice huge if it means a better minute for my kids.

It also means that I may be out of touch with other things. I used to be a better friend. I used to be more inclined to drop everything to be there for someone when they needed me. Now, it is like playing Twister on my calendar, trying to put one hand on red and a foot on green, getting all tangled up and making sure all the events are covered.

One would think my patience would have improved since having kids means tolerating a whole lot of crazy. Instead, I have a higher standard for the people I am with. I need open minds from them and when they do not, or simply cannot, I lose my patience. I love the idea of discussion concerning some hot button item, especially with someone who disagrees with me. That open dialogue is stimulating and intriguing since it gives me insight on both sides of a coin. Sadly, when someone cannot see my side, despite my attempts at seeing theirs, the discussion turns to an argument.

I try very hard to not dwell on what has taken place. Sadly, my mind doesn’t work like that. I can tell others, and even myself, over and over that I am ok, but really, I am not. I will go back and forth between being angry and disappointed. The part of me that doesn’t like to let things go will consider reaching out. The part of me that is pissed is slapping the other part of me.

This door needed to be closed. It needed to allow me time to regroup and in some ways, move on. Do I grieve? I do. Am I relieved? Yes. How can I feel both? 

This is the conundrum I deal with this morning.