Leaving Me Now

2-3-15

"Leaving Me Now"

It seems true love is so rare
Seems all I've known is deceit
Your laughter fills the air
Once more I'm sensing defeat

And I suppose you're leaving me now
I was so sure, now I'm so full of doubt
And I suppose you'll be leaving this place
Just like the smile you've wiped from my face
This time

I always gave my best
Your memory serves you so badly
Some people kill for less
Yet I'd still die for you gladly (so gladly)

But I suppose it's my turn now
To play a scene that's familiar somehow
I turn the page and you walk away
Not even love could bring you to stay
This time

Walk away, it's so easy

Once more I'm learning
In the depths of my despair
Your lies confirming
True love is so rare

And I suppose it's my turn now
There's no more love, only feelings of doubt
Gone with the hope your words have erased
Gone with the smile you wiped from my face

Love is a ship we all hope to steer
Through troubled times, 'cross an ocean of tears
A midnight sea that swells in your eyes
Takes just one look to know I'm still mesmerised

But I suppose you're leaving me now
I was so sure, now I'm so full of doubt
I turn the page and you walk away
Not even love could bring you to stay
This time

Leaving me now
Leaving this place

Recently I started to go through old photos and mementos and with all of this I started thinking about mix tapes I have been given through the years. Sure, some were just groupings of songs that were fantastic. I was spoiled being that I knew DJ’s who had the equipment and music catalog that would allow for some amazing tunes. In some ways, the songs on those tapes almost don’t seem right when you play them without the follow up songs.

Of course, there also was the more heartfelt mix tape variety. I have a tape Ken gave me when we first started dating. Even though the songs are dated, there is something romantic and sweet to listen to music he wanted to share with me as songs he thought of when he thought of me. I even started putting the songs into a playlist on my iPod so that when I am not near a cassette player I can be reminded of the music of our past.

There are also the breakup tapes. I have the one in which Greg gave me that only contained 4 songs. I remember playing those songs over and over to the point where I am shocked the tape didn't snap. I am not only talking about it breaking from over use, either. I played that tape around people to the point where I am shocked they didn't crack it in half. I suppose they understood time was still needed.

The tape that hit me odd this last week was one from David. Senior year, in a confusing week of crazy, he told me he loved me. I was still reeling from the theatre incident with Ken and Greg and being ostracized from some of my friends for my actions and was truly at a low point. He was there much of the week, trying to pull me from my funk with kindness and laughter. Sadly, his timing was poor when it came to the conversation we got into the Friday after what happened during Dragon: The Bruce Lee Story only days before.

We had gone and saw Dave and afterwards were just driving around, hanging out like we normally did. It is strange that I don’t remember the specifics, but I remember so clearly the panic I felt. His affections, although sweet, were not something I wanted, let alone needed right then. Perhaps he thought with me being vulnerable it was the perfect time. Maybe he just wanted me to feel better. Maybe he just couldn't contain it any further. I don’t know his reasoning. I only know I needed to get away.

You see, for the couple of years leading up to this, I fielded questions and speculations about David and my relationship. We were such close friends, but as the old adage goes, men and women can’t be just friends. I didn't (and still don’t) believe this is the case, but it didn't prevent the assumptions floating around. So for him to actually come right out and say it essentially shot my whole belief to hell.

As we arrived at my house, the only thing I could tell him was that it wouldn't affect our friendship. I assured him I would call him the following day and I high tailed it out of the car.

I was a liar.

Of course, things might have been different had certain phone calls not taken place. I didn't know what the following day had in store for me, which included a lot of talking with Greg. As much as the prospect of being with Ken was appealing, I didn't know there was any future there due to Beth. I didn't want to be with David like that, but I wanted so very badly to not lose him. In the end, though, I chose safe and familiar and went back to the person that would not only make me change who I was, but he insisted that I steer clear of these two threats to the relationship. It meant I was no longer allowed to speak to David or Ken. I was so scared of being away from Greg I consented.

The only issue was that I saw David that night. He had ridden his bike from Fullerton to see me. I remember the broken look on his face as Greg and I pulled out of my driveway. It was devastating. I was a horrid person and yet I didn't do anything about it.

Sometime later, David came into Blockbuster with a box that included my velvet cloak, two giant letters and a cassette tape. One of the letters said to read first, which I did. The sentiment was sobering. I felt so very bad. It addressed a letter I has sent to him telling him that I couldn't be friends with him. I was particularly harsh at the time, using so many of Greg’s words to accuse him of taking advantage of my fragile state of mind at the time. It was really unfair of me, but we all have that period in our teen years where we don’t consider the consequences of our actions, or more specifically, our words.

The second letter was actually lyrics to the songs contained on the tape. This brings us to the song I started this post with. I listened to this again, multiple times, over the last week and it pains me that I made anyone feel this sad. Look, I know I have felt sad and angry at people for what they have done to me, but boy, it isn't a picnic knowing you have caused the same kind of emotion in someone. Sometimes people don’t realize the power they hold over others, and we take for granted that they can be severely affected by our actions.

I would like to explain this story to the boys someday. I want them to understand, or at least acknowledge the waters they will navigate as they age. I don’t want them to stay with anyone out of guilt or fear, but I also want them to choose their words and actions carefully since it is a powerful thing to bring anyone to tears. I know they will hurt people, and I know people will hurt them. If I can arm them with some additional insight, perhaps they will experience both with less permanent damage.

I might not be able to change the past, nor do I really want to. I do like that I might be able to influence the future because of my past.