I can hear them scream

4-11-16

I hate how on edge I am.

Ever since Dax broke his arm, my ability to let things go has diminished greatly. I was getting better about things like not worrying about them getting hit by a car or slamming their finger in a door. I know, most normal parents will worry to some degree, and I know that I have always set up camp just outside of crazy momville. That being said, I really feel like I have kept it in check.

The scream that changed all that took place on February 6th.

Of course I recognize that watching your child break his arm is not something for the faint of heart. I also understand that in time my head will not re-play that afternoon over and over. Sadly, that time has not come.

I hoped it would improve once the cast was off. If anything, I think I got worse. His first games back on the field were brutal for me to watch. Sure, there are the highs; he scored 5 goals on that first day back. The lows tend to really suck. He also got kicked in the head, he went down more times than I can count and truly I was in a wonky place unsure if I was more happy or nervous.

This past weekend wasn’t any better. It didn’t help that Thursday, the kid tried to give me a heart attack.

Dax and Bobby were playing downstairs as they do. It was a rousing game of soccer (what a shock, right?) that had them both laughing and screaming. It wasn’t easy to listen to since each time Dax omits any kind of sound, I feel my body tense up and I worry that he is dying. I have been trying to not panic in general. I was exhausted this day from lack of sleep along with fielding multiple issues with friends. Jimmy was at the house going over some soccer stuff during all of the crazy loud taking place downstairs. I had tried to let it all go.

Sadly, my progress would be derailed because Bobby yelled enough to finally get my attention. Dax had slipped wrong and was now on the ground writhing in pain.

It turned out it was nothing. He bumped his knee, and was in a similar style panic I have been feeling because he was afraid he had hindered his ability to play. When a kid like Dax is unable to play for that long, it takes a toll on being able to just shake an injury off. It also has exacerbated his ability to cope with any kind of discomfort. And really, if you know Dax, that is truly saying something. He has never been able to deal well with discomfort. Dude, this kid had to go to urgent care for a splinter to be removed. So sadly, it has meant that every minor bump or scrape is going to result in a lot of screaming.

Taking that into account, let’s paint a picture of Sunday. Two games for the Strikers that morning, and both pretty tough matches. In the first game, Dax got hit in the face with the ball, went down with a knee having been kicked, and near the end of the match, in an epic battle between him and another player, accidently got hit in the teeth by the other player’s shoulder which resulted in him coming out of the game. Now add to this cracking his toenail warming up for the second game and just general injuries across the board. All of these times he went down take a year off of my life. At this rate, I may only have another year or two left. I am grateful that the coach and my fellow parents all understand my concern. They know how much it scares me when he is out there, but they also know Dax is strong. They have been fantastic, checking in on me as much as they do on him.

We get home and he is still kind of limpy from the game and even a little from the games he played Saturday (you know, because the kid isn’t content with only 2 games in a weekend. He went down to do a couple of winter league games on Saturday). He is mostly fine, though, with no real issues. Sure, his toenail hurts but it isn’t a big deal.

Until of course he must have caught it on something and it ripped back enough to hurt like hell and to continue to stay attached so it could continue to dig into the wound.

The proper treatment at this point is to cut off the offending nail sliver and then it will feel oh so much better. The problem is, the patient is screaming as if a 4 inch metal beam is sticking out of his stomach. Yeah, it isn’t pretty. He kicks, he yells, he can’t hold still and he won’t let us do anything. It is the most exhausting 40 minutes ever.

The one shining part of this ordeal is Bobby. Holy crap, that kid amazes the hell out of me. On the field, he is one of the first ones to check on me if Dax goes down. He knows the look of ill on my face when I worry about the both of them. He will gently tease me about it, but he takes it all very seriously. During Dax’s cries of pain, he ran to retrieve both Bolt and Messi, knowing that those tend to be the best comfort items Dax owns. He didn’t stop there. He ran and got Dax water. He also got him a pillow and tried to crack jokes with him to help calm him down (Dax was practically inconsolable). And when the nail was finally cut (which took all of 2 seconds once we were able to find a window where he was holding still long enough), Bobby told Dax he didn’t need to go get his dinner from the kitchen and he took it down to him. This was all without anyone asking him to help. He did this all because he is filled with a good heart.

Sadly, the screams did not help me with my issues. I swear, I can be brushing my teeth while Dax is in the other bathroom taking a shower and I feel like I hear him yelling for help at least 6 times. I hear noises in the night and I am sure one of the boys is choking or crying or maybe Bobby fell out of bed from the top bunk. I am a mess.

This had most likely been why I have had panic attacks the past few days. I had not had a really bad one in some time, so this stress (coupled with other stress) has most likely manifested into these periods. I even took a Xanax, something I have not needed to use since before escrow on Steve. It isn’t fun, but I am starting to understand how much I really need a release.

It also probably does not help that this looks to be another busy week. It will be the first week of my new schedule with the boys at school. I don’t know what kind of time I will have now when I get home and the chores I need to handle may cause some additional stress on my part. I also am taking Dax to his follow up arm appointment today, soccer practice is tomorrow and Thursday along with our board meeting tomorrow night. Oh, and the carnival is Friday along with the Pythons team party. I am really going to need to breathe.

Ultimately I will be fine. It isn’t that much, but I think my heightened crazy has just added to my inability to let some of it go. Hopefully that will improve since no one needs me to be a basket case.