2-4-09
How honest can you be with people? What is the appropriate level? Recently, we started watching the show Lie to Me which is about a company that specializes in telling when someone is lying. One of the employees walks about spewing out anything that comes to mind. He has no filters whatsoever. The reason? He figures his boss and colleagues can tell if he is being sincere when he speaks, so why bother with the office politics. I find this oddly refreshing. Of course, it is not possible in the real world.
Just this morning, one of my coworkers approached me with her normal good mornings and I was slightly grumpy at her. I wasn’t angry with her. I wasn’t feeling any sort of animosity at all towards her or her greeting. Yet I had to be this way in order to make sure she didn’t feel that she had an in to chat with me all day. She is one of those folks that needs to be a part of everyone’s conversation, and the minute you let her, she is there. So every morning, I have to tailor my hellos to her with how much I really want to be bothered by her. Ok, I guess it is truthful in a way since I am not being overly nice, but I am also lying since really, I am usually quite happy to see her.
We hold back all the time. I might be angry with Bobby because he dumped his juice out, but I am not going to scream at him. I hold it in and I do the calm rational mommy thing. Or perhaps you are at Target and your card doesn’t go through for your purchase. The first thing that comes out of my mouth is, “Oh, there must be a problem!” The problem being that you have no money, will never be worded like that. It is everything from the money is in the wrong account to the bank must have screwed up. Why not tell the truth? Like the checkout lady gives a crap if you are poor. Besides, it isn’t like you will see them again.
There are some folks we don’t lie to. Poor Ken gets all my crazy with a bow on top. If the Tivo guy at the top of the screen is creeping me out (as he often does) I let him know. The other day, the image of Darth Maul was staring at me from across the room. Even after I identified it as the package for this action figure, I was still so scared, I had to get up and turn it around. I was by myself at the time, but I still told Ken about it, even though this was news that was certainly going to get me committed eventually.
But it is our closest friends that really throw you for a loop. These are people that mean the world to us, and for the most part we tell them all the truths (including the whole evil Darth Maul thing) and get them back. There is a give and take which makes the open communication a wonderful bond. It is when there a crack in the bond that the whole thing becomes tricky.
It is one thing to lie to someone you don’t give a crap about. Or even someone that is a casual friend or acquaintance. But when it is someone you do care about and want to be open with, it is hard to know how much they want to hear, despite what they say they want.
When I got pregnant, I made my closest girlfriends promise to tell me if my child was ugly. No joke. I mean, if anyone is going to be able to tell me, isn’t it my friends? But you know that not one of them is ever going to tell me, “Dude, Gena, your baby looks like a troll doll.” It just isn’t going to happen.
Friends are the ones that lift you up when you are down and often will tell you how pretty you are despite the smeared mascara from your crying. They are the ones that even if they agree with your boyfriend on a fight, they will never let on, and will tell you he is scum and get you a pint of ice cream.
But don’t we want more from our friends? Don’t we want them to be the most honest and not to ever hold back? I say I do want that, but I don’t know if I do. I mean, I know I am a fat load, and I really do know that my friends think that despite never saying it. What good is it going to do if they tell me these things? Sugar coating doesn’t count, either. All it does is make it sound less truthful, and if the whole point is the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, how is this the case?
You want the truth? You can’t handle the truth. Not many people can. Truths hurt, no matter who they are from. I had always been of the belief that I needed to not only know everything, I needed to make sure everyone in my circle had any knowledge I had that concerned them. Case and point, I was friends with a couple years back. One evening, the guy in this couple informed me and a number of our friends of his intentions to break up with the girl. I was closer with her and I was horrified that now many of her friends knew about her relationship status before she did. The worst part was a second after he told us, he then turned to me and told me not to tell her. He didn’t tell anyone else to not tell her. Just me. In fact, the whole group got on me for divulging this kind of info. I didn’t understand it. Wouldn’t they want to know? Apparently, I was the only one.
Truths that have come out have caused me grief. When two of my friends felt the need to tell Beth that her husband was fooling around with me at some point, let’s just say I feared for my life. But honestly, even though that was not the brightest move, I don’t blame them. They were just adhering to what I had always said, which is that we shouldn’t keep things like that from our friends.
Now, 15 years later, I don’t know if this is still the case. I find myself in situations with close friends and I don’t know if I should tell them everything I think and feel about certain situations. The age old question of whether or not you tell your significant other that you cheated when it was a one night stand that meant nothing comes to mind. On one hand, you want them to know so you can get it off your chest. Sure, it will never happen again, and it was just a drunken stupid mistake. But is this mistake something that needs to be told to the one person who will just get hurt by it? No good can come from it. Sure, you feel better for a nano second, but over all, you end up crushing the one you love.
This is the same thing with a friend. When they tell you how they are miserable about something that they themselves could fix, what good is it to tell them they are an idiot? Sure, this may be the case, but should we really tell them that they brought it on themselves? I am not sure this is the right answer anymore. This, my friends, is what I call growing.
My own truths about myself will always be public for anyone who wants to know. However, secrets and gut wrenching truths about others are up to someone else to decide. Even if someone tells me they want me to be brutally honest, I feel that I am in the minority on folks that really do want that. So until I get further notice, I won’t be crushing anyone anytime soon. But know this, if you ever do want me to let you know, I am here with any version you can handle.
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