Anxiety

7-31-09

I wish I knew how to relax.

Yesterday was Furlough, which meant I had the day off to do as I pleased. I packed, I dinked around on Facebook, and then when I determined shopping was no longer an option, I figured I could catch up on some of my shows or hell, even just nap. I knew I would be out late last night and then tonight would be a long day, so why not rest, right?

So I would sit down, turn on My Life on the D List, and even though I love the hell out of that show, I couldn’t sit for more than 10 minutes at a time.

It of course didn’t help that my street was busy yesterday. Normally my street has next to no activity. Yesterday, we had cops show up to tow a stolen car, and another neighbor taken away in an ambulance. Good times!

My evening plans consisted of dinner with Conner. I was supposed to see him last week, but with the car adventure, I flaked. Luckily, I was able to meet up with him yesterday. I had not seen his house, which is positively gorgeous. I was tempted to never leave because it was so freaking pretty. I told Ken that when we win the lottery, we may need to have an architect go to Conner’s house and then just recreate it on some other lot.

Dinner was not bad. I ordered something he suggested based on his memory of what I enjoy. It worked out well, so this was cool. After dinner, we headed back to his house, for the highlight of the evening, which was shopping in the attic.

His attic has become a land of tons of clothing from all of his female friends of varying shapes and sizes. He has actual clothing racks (which I realize I neglected to take pictures of, so I so need to go back!) and those little plastic rings that say sizing so that some day he can sort it out even more accurate. For now, he does have it sorted by dresses, skirts, etc. There were even shoes, despite all being too small for my boats.

I brought donations for this brilliant project. Basically, he is like Goodwill. You bring the clothing that you don’t like or fit into anymore, and he allows other friends to then pick through those. It is a giant clothing exchange! He has a full length mirror available, and seriously, if he ever wanted to make this a real store, it so had the perfect feel.

I was a little skeptical that there would be anything there that would fit me, but I was pleasantly surprised. I came home with a bag the same size as what I took. Skirts, dresses, and a pair of Mommy Cat jammie pants. All very awesome!

It was surreal, since I am not accustomed to that much attention when I am “shopping”. I also am not accustomed to walking around half nekkid. But in all fairness, I have known Conner for close to 20 years now, and he has seen me hundreds of times in various stages of undress. So if anything, his ogling me was actually nice. It is always a cool ego boost to have a guy tell you that you are gorgeous, even when you are sweating profusely due to the heat of the attic.

He took several pictures of me with his fancy new camera, so I also felt like some kind of celebrity. He had the camera on full paparazzi mode, so even as I was sitting, chit chatting with him, he had the camera on me. I didn’t mind. How often am I in front of the camera? I would say just about never!

I didn’t stay too late, mostly because I knew my next few days would be jam packed. I got home around 9:30, so this was all kinds of good.

At one point, he asked me what I was doing August 18th. I said that I would be celebrating my son’s 3rd birthday. He said that this was a shame since he had a ticket for me if I would like, to go see Depeche Mode. I was shocked that I didn’t really even consider going. I mean, let’s face it, he is 3 and not having cake on the actual day wouldn’t really affect him. I also was planning on party for Dax on the 22nd, so in reality, I am covered. I just couldn’t do it. I may need to use that as guilt later if Dax get uppity in a few years. Mommy turned down DM for you!

My afternoon is busy. When I get home, I need to do the last bit of packing, which consists of the boys’ backpacks. I need to pack them to only have their couple of toys and maybe a book. I also need to gather bathroom items. Of course, this is after I take a shower and do my hair for the banquet. I need to get all dolled up, make some dinner for the boys, and then Ken and Chelsea will be there a little after 5, at which point Ken will be showering, and then getting all dolled up. I will introduce the boys to Chelsea and showing her around so she knows how to entertain them for about an hour, since we are leaving a little before 6, and they go to bed around 7:30. I am a little nervous about that whole thing, since really, they have not been babysat for some time. Carol watched them once or twice, but they were little. They didn’t have the same kind of attitude they can cop these days. I am pretty sure all will be well. The boys will listen to Chelsea, so we are probably in the clear.

The banquet is nerve wracking, too. I don’t know any of the people there. Ok, sure I know some of Tammy’s family, but not well. This isn’t my congregation. Plus, this will be the first time speaking to the man I helped write a book about. I have to say, I am terrified! I know he is lovely if only because I know Tammy would never gush about anyone who wasn’t wonderful. I just hope they don’t expect to much from me! I don’t know that I am quite as lovely. Especially with the not so much of the belief in god thing. But I think it should be ok. Tammy did warn me that in the very beginning, she is doing the introductions and welcome speech, which is where I will be called up front and introduced to the whole crowd. Like 200 people! YIE!! They all have heard my name, and know that I helped with the book, and will see my name on the book they all got at the door, but really, I was a ghost writer at first on this, and now, I am an actual person. It is scary. Tammy told me I could say something if I wanted, but seriously, that is pushing it. She knows I am shy, so I luckily only have to smile and wave. Let’s hope I don’t pass out.

The banquet goes to 11. I don’t know if that is how long before Pastor is done or if that is the get out of this hotel time. I am anxious to see him preach and speak as he has been described as a very charismatic speaker. I would also like to duck out as early as possible, only because I have to get up at like 4 in the morning. Plus, I don’t like leaving the boys too long. They will be asleep, so it shouldn’t be an issue. Also, if there is anything wrong, she can call us, and let’s face it, no one would fault us if we needed to get back to our children. But I will suck it up in terms of not bailing just because I am nervous.

I think I will curl my hair up a bit. I am wearing my pin stripe ballgown. I was tempted to wear this black dress I got in the attic last night, but I think I will go with the other only because there are less places to wear that. It also will keep more in check with my normal style of clothing. I will take some pics of how we look. It isn’t all that often that Ken has to suit up.

I think I need to go to the doc when I get back and have them take out my tonsils. The only problem with this? I would have to go to the hospital. Does it count if it is just a procedure that I probably don’t have to stay overnight?

Ok, I just looked up online the symptom of a tight throat. It figures. It could be anxiety related. It makes sense since this last week or so where I have noticed it, I have been stressed, and it seems to get worse when I start to panic about it. I am still thinking I may need to go to the doc. I should not have anxiety attacks as often as I get them. As much as I am not thrilled about it, I am wondering if I need some medication for this. Something mild, really. It might help me out. I freak out about things at the drop of a hat, and if things like a tight throat or anxiety attacks sometimes keep me awake, this can’t be good. Even right now, as I write this, I start to have an attack. I am telling you, anything triggers it, even ways to fix it. Although a lot of it is me wondering what is going on with me since a self diagnosis isn’t good enough.

Ken agrees that it totally must be anxiety. Especially with the accumulation of a lot of it happening in the next 24 hours. He said that I will probably be better when the seat belt light turns off. So in 24 hours or less, I will be fine. He did suggest, though, that I go home at lunch so that I can make sure I am prepared so I don’t stress as much. I may do this.

Apparently my next show to watch is West Wing. I had been kicking myself for many years for having missed that train. I blame my mother who when I mentioned I missed the first episode, she told me it had in fact sucked. Several weeks later, she asks me, “Did you see West Wing?!?” in this excited tone. I looked at her, all annoyed, and told her no, that based on her recommendation, I opted to not get on board with the show. Turns out, she was way off base. Sigh. It is a show by the same awesome mind that gave me Studio 60, and I was deeply in love with that show (and one of the cast members who also is on West Wing). Netflix will allow me to go ahead and watch this show, which I think would be a great deal of fun. Plus, if it blows by my own opinion, I can send it back without thinking twice about it.

Why do people who come to your desk assume that if you are not there, that it must mean you are out for the day? Can’t I use the bathroom anymore?

YAY!

Conner just emailed me to tell me the DM show is actually the 16th of August, not the 18th. So I may still get to see them after all! I just mailed him back and told him that if the offer is still on the table that I would love to go. Woo hoo!

I am freaking starving! I am considering eating earlier than normal. It isn’t like I have a real schedule. I tend to eat around 11, but that I think stems from back when I was on a regiment that had me eating every 3 hours. Now, though, I don’t have that snack, so in reality, I ate at 5:30 and it is now 10:40. Sure, I could probably wait the 20 minutes. Or, I could eat now if only because getting up would actually wake me up!

I managed to wait until 10:57. YAY!

I have not decided if I am staying or not. It is 11:45 right now, and I am pretty much caught up on my work, so I don’t have to be here. I have made a to do list, and yes, there is a bit to do, but not sure if I need to leave. I have been busy and I now notice that my throat was fine. Of course, now that I am thinking about it, it is tight again. Well, I may bolt at 12:30. We will see.