I am groovy and rockin!

1-29-10

“Mom, Luna is a girl, right?” Bobby asks me yesterday as we are playing out back. I confirm this and he proceeds to ask me why it looks like she has a penis. It is reasonable observation based on what a dog’s underside looks like.

The conversation is light hearted and he starts asking about other animals and what their penises look like. He asks about birds and cats and even people to some degree. It is amusing, and I am impressed with his inquisitive mood.

Then the conversation turned dark. I don’t remember the exact transition but I can safely say you don’t ever want to hear your 4 year old say this to you.

“You are going to die soon.”

He said it matter of fact. It was like those creepy children of the corn or the kid from that Twilight Zone episode. Blond haired kids should never tell a grown up that they are supposed to die.

He clarified, sort of, what he meant. He went on to tell me that since I am old (cause that makes things better) that I was soon going to leave this world. I tried to explain that I wasn’t going to die for a long time (I hope!).

At this point, he almost made me cry.

“When you and daddy die, how will we be a family?”

Oh. My. God. Kid, you’re killing me!

I explained that when Daddy and I die, he will hopefully have kids of his own and an even bigger family. I also said the cheese ball crap of how even if we die we are never not a family and that we are always in his heart. He then said this.

“Mom, I will be really sad if you die and I will cry.”

It took every once of strength to not burst into tears myself and I quickly hugged him and told him that crying for someone who dies is normal and ok.

I was still reeling from his heartfelt words in the midst of the hug when he pulled away and said, “There’s a bad guy! I am going to shoot him to protect you!” He then ran off with his horseshoes (they were his shooting guns), killing various bad guys in the yard, oblivious to the ache he placed in my heart.

On the plus side, during my conversation with Bobby, Dax came up to us, only seconds after Bobby asked about us still being a family, and says to me, “Hey mom, you know what? I tooted!” He then proceeded to giggle and ran off. It is good that Dax still is lighthearted.

Our backyard time was actually quite good aside from the kid fucking with the hypochondriac. It was a much needed romp for all involved. With the rains, the yard had been a swamp land for the last week. Yesterday was the first real day that you could go out there without fear of sinking into the ground. I was able to clean up all of the Luna stuff which included a pile of roofers nails and various toys that were strewn about. I did not get to the bucket of aquarium rocks that she felt needed to be spread out on the driveway.

I played fetch with Luna for some time. Lycos didn’t want to play and just seemed happy to have us all out there as she destroyed some random ball she had found. I clearly had tired out Luna, so I thought I would take this opportunity to work on some training with her. Ok, I joke that my dog is a total blonde groupie. She is dingy, clutsy, and obsessed with the rock star that is Lycos. But I clearly underestimated just how smart she is.

We used the leash, a choke chain and a few pieces of cat food (I couldn’t find the dog treats I had purchased for this very purpose). We worked on “sit” first. She had it down pretty damn quick. We then worked on walking around on the leash and having her sit when I stop. She is funny about that since she will sit, but behind me a few inches. It is very cute, too, since she still sits on her full butt instead of her back legs. We then worked on stay, which she did shockingly well. I also worked on “come”, which includes her sitting in front of me when she gets to me. All of these she did wonderfully. Not too shabby being this was the first semi formal training I was doing with her. Sure, we had been working lightly on many things like “stay” and “basket”, but nothing where she got rewarded so greatly and did it over and over. I was super impressed. She is, after all, a golden retriever. They are supposed to be quite bright, but it isn’t something you realize until you really start working with one. I have to admit, it was a real pleasure. I also had forgotten how rewarding it is to train a dog. I loved how happy she was when she did something good. I was excited when she and I were in sync. Of course her training wasn’t perfect, but I loved the process. I didn’t push her for too long, maybe 20 minutes or so. But even after the official training time, we kept going back to many of the commands, making sure she knew that this was not just a game. One of the best things was the confirmation of my feeling that has always been, dogs love to be trained. Luna pretty much doesn’t leave my side now, but after the training, she was practically attached to me. It was clear to me that she appreciated the praise and the bonding and I feel confident that Luna is devoted. I had really wanted to make sure that she had some basic stuff learned for our trip to the compound in a couple weeks, and I feel like we are off to a good start. My big concern is that she will bound off into the forest and not come back. Ken pointed out that Luna just won’t do that since if Lycos and myself are present, she won’t venture far.

Before I even got home yesterday afternoon, there was adventure. Ken calls me maybe 15 minutes before I was heading out to go home. He tells me to not freak out when I walk in the door since there is a rat in a cage. Of course, that would not freak me out for a number of reasons. One, I like rats. We had rats so they don’t freak me out or make me run for a chair. My most importantly, does anything shock me anymore when it is in my house? Especially when I was gone all day? Not even a little bit.

So the story goes like this.

Ken noticed a freaky looking guy wandering the neighborhood with a big cage with a rat inside it. He was looking in trees, and kind of lurking through yards and just looking like he was up to no good. Of course, this was 100% true since the man was none other than Henry Zingali. For those of you unfamiliar with the name, he is the jackass extraordinaire who owned the dog that killed Goosh. He is pure evil on every level and I hate him with a passion. Ken, for some strange reason, has a strange fascination with the man, and feels bad for him. This is mostly because the guy is clearly strung out on several drugs and a total loser. Ken sometimes surprises me with his sympathy.

So Ken follows him around to kind of see what he is up to. He watches Henry put down this cage and run off. Of course, Ken goes and retrieves the cage and finds out it is a hawk trap, with the poor rat as bait. Ken sees Henry later, with the trap in the back seat of his car, and ends up talking with Henry for a bit. Mind you, Ken has already called the cops on him, giving not only a perfect description of him, but his address and name. Unfortunately, by the time the patrol car arrives, Henry was nowhere to be found.

Since Ken was in a hurry after the daring rat rescue, he quickly places the trap in our entry way and phoned me to let me know. I wasn’t sure what a hawk trap looked like, but I half expected to find Monarch trapped in it. It wasn’t what I had expected at all in terms of what it looked like, but I did find Ittles circling. The trap, luckily, was up in a position that it would have been difficult for the cats to get to.

Poor little guy looked dirty and mistreated. He didn’t seem mean, either, which made me wonder if perhaps he was at least handled a bit. I offered him some carrots, which he seemed pleased about. He didn’t really look nearly as scared as I expected. When Ken got home, he got him out and put him in a carrier for now. This morning, he was curious enough to poke his little nose out at me and looked like he might turn out to be a fun addition to the family. A lot depends on how friendly he is. I don’t think he has any disease as he looks like the garden variety of Petco rats. Of course, I don’t know that I should just trust that.

This weekend has a couple of adventures planned. I need to return my shoes to Hot Topic, and since the Galleria has a electronics recycling event, we figured we would kill two birds with one stone. We have a couple of old monitors and possibly a couple other things we are going to take down there, and then we can run into the mall to take care of shoe stuff. I need to also get a bottle of lotion from Victoria’s Secret, so the entire trip should be worthwhile. Maybe we will do lunch, too, since I have not had a chicken bowl in ages!

I am considering a Disneyland visit, although we are for sure going on the following Sunday since it is tradition to go to Disneyland on Super Bowl Sundays. When we used to go, it always seemed to be less crowded. Of course, this is probably not the case anymore, but I am hoping that since it is supposed to be a really good game this year, the park will be less crazy. So being that we will go then, I don’t know if we will go this week or not. It may just be a take the kids to the park kind of weekend since they love riding their bikes.

I am now wishing I had returned my Netflix movies as we might have had some new movies to watch. We still have Transformers, and a less damaged copy of Meet the Robinsons. Both can really go back. What I really want to see, though is the Hangover and Inglorious Basterds. Both, however, have listed as very long waits. I am tempted to purchase the Hangover, but really, it will end up sucking so I don’t know that I want to buy anymore movies at this point. Kids movies seem to be the only ones that make sense anymore since those are the only ones we seem to watch over and over. Although, who am I kidding. This weekend I really need to get my Glee fix and watch the last two episodes we missed. We will have to watch them on Hulu since the Tivo in charge of recording that show crashed, but that is ok since let’s face it, thank goodness for the net!

I was excited yesterday since when I was doing my workout, I got high score on 2 of the activities! I beat this one bubble game which is all about balance and stretching, and another one with similar skills. I also did a few new yoga stuff which were super hard. They were awesome! I loved the feel of the exercise afterwards. Nothing better than the runners high you get after a good workout. I am really looking forward to this afternoon! I think I may be ready to up it to 40 minutes.

Man, my company sure knows how to waste time and money. LOL! Yesterday was the company meeting. It started at 11:30. It was in the extremely cold warehouse, where we all sat around tables set up specific for the occasion. What I find strange is that they of course fed us, but they waited until AFTER the meeting to let us get food. Why not have us dish up, then all sit down at these tables and eat while we listen to the presentation. Especially when it was a 90 fucking minute meeting!!!!! Look, if it was at least interesting, I would have been ok with it. But much of it sounded like a sales pitch to a prospective client, which none of us are. They went over sales figures and budgets and all that mumbo jumbo, but really, 12 fucking slides on this new product, when about 8 of them were pretty much duplicates of one another, along with 5 minutes for each of those duplicate slides seemed excessive. Not only were we cold and bored, we were starving by the time 1 o’clock rolled around and we were excused to go dish up the now cold Chinese food that had been delivered 2 hours prior. It was poorly organized, and really you waste 2 hours of productivity. The meeting could have been condensed into a quick email. The best, or worst depending on how you look at it, was that they sat there and patted themselves on the back for providing us with this excess of communication, yet the one thing that they really needed to cover was the recent elimination of us offering cash discounts for early payment. Of course, I am not surprised since they neglected to tell the one department, A/R, that they made this decision. Instead, we were bombarded by customers confused by their lack of familiar terms on their invoices. Brilliant. It just confirms that just because you make a shit load of money and wear a fancy suit, doesn’t mean you know what the hell you are talking about.

I seriously have done no work yet as of this morning. I think I may have processed one spread and responded to one email, but other than that, I have been dinking around. Between writing this, listening to Kevin and Bean and just reading news articles, I have been as unproductive as possible. I suppose I can no longer fault my company for the only reason for lack of productivity.

Spike TV just had an ad for some kind of Steven Segal marathon on Sunday, leading up to the premier of his latest movie. Doesn’t Spike TV claim to be TV for guys? And if this is the case, at what point do they think that Steven Segal is still good?

I told Bobby that if this morning when he gets up if he just automatically gets dressed without Ken prompting him to, that tonight we will go out and get a friend for Carson. We are trying to teach him to be a little more self sufficient. Carson is his little stuffed tiger that has been his favorite “friend” for some time now. He is the counter to Dax’s Charles Emerson Pachyderm the third. Recently, when we were doing our toy cleaning, we came across Rowdy and Steven, which were Dax’s stuffed tigers. Rowdy was something I got for Dax when he was a baby. I tied a green ribbon around him and took him with us everywhere, hoping to somehow get Dax attached to the tiger. Dax liked him fine enough, but really, he was rather indifferent to all stuffed toys. JoJo ended up being his go to animal. At the time, though, I was convinced that he would fall deeply in love with the tiger, and based on Bobby’s attachment to not only his own blanket but Blue, I worried that if one of those precious lovies were to be lost that Bobby would be devastated. So because of this, I had two blankets made for Dax that were identical, and purchased a second tiger. They were dubbed Rowdy and Steven in honor off the two dead stuffed dogs on Scrubs. Not only did Rowdy not become the go to tiger, poor Steven never even got worn down. They were both placed in the box of baby stuff.

When we went through the boxes, I came across the two of them and for the first time, I saw Dax light up when he saw them. I pointed out that they were his tigers and he was thrilled. He was especially pleased that they were twins. It was at this point that Bobby was bummed. Since Carson is a little tiger, he wanted to have a second tiger just like Dax. Unfortunately, Carson was purchased by my mom on one of their trips, so it wasn’t like I could go out and just get him a second one that was identical. Luckily, he has not let this desire go. He really, really, wants a friend for Carson. So last night I proposed the idea to him. He seemed interested. He was a little concerned that he would forget, and I said it wasn’t like he was going to get in trouble if he didn’t do it. I just said that when he finally remembered, we would go out and get him the friend. I am really hopeful that he does good this morning since I really look forward to going shopping with him.

I feel strangely awake and alert this morning. I feel restless in my little cube. I think just the fact that my weekend is so close I am getting anxious.

I take the boys to my folks’ tonight for their hour or so visit. I am trying to determine what should be for dinner. We often use Fridays as our night out as a family. I would say we should not only because we got pizza earlier in the week, but in reality, we need to go to the grocery store for me to be able to make something at home.

Bobby did not get dressed on his own, so no shopping this evening for Carson friends. I am truly bummed. I am hoping he does it tomorrow morning as maybe just he and I can venture out.

Ok, I started to do a bunch of work and was very successful. The problem is, I got bored. LOL! I am getting sleepy, too, which I am sure is just because I just ate my lunch. I am quite restless. It also doesn’t help that it is almost noon, which means I get my 30 minutes of net time and 30 minutes where I end up dinking around before the boss gets back. Of course, then it is 1 and I only have a little while left before it is the end of my day! WOO HOO! I have not been this jazzed about a weekend in a long time. Ok, maybe that is not entirely true. I am probably this jazzed each Friday.

I really wish my radio charged iTty when it was playing it. My battery is low so I am not going to play it right now. Not that radio sucks or anything, but when you want to listen to your own music, it sucks. My mom made me 6 CD’s of songs she loves. I have been enjoying quite a few of them. Many remind me of my childhood since I was so obsessed with artists like Bobby Vee. It is really fun to listen to my old favorite songs. There was one song, Bobby’s Girl, which I will try very hard not to torture Bobby’s future girlfriend with, but come on! It is just so easy!

90 minutes of work meetings suck

1-28-10

What a night.

It started fine enough. We played some video games, we had some dinner, watched some shows. Ken went to the neighborhood meeting on the clean up information. The boys were chipper and super adorable, especially when they were brushing their teeth. They have been copying me exactly on the brushing, and since you can’t really talk when you brush, we were communicating like Ewoks with little grunts and squeaks and gestures. It was very funny.

Bobby didn’t want to go into his room by himself, so I proposed that I read them both a story in Dax’s room. Bobby loved the idea, Dax was a little annoyed, but went along with it. We read some Richard Scarry, everyone seemed happy.

Then it went downhill.

Bobby went off to his room, but Dax was all kinds of random upset. He was crying, and not telling me what was wrong. Poor kid. He mentioned he was cold, which I found impossible being that he had 14 blankets on him. He then complained of hunger, which I also knew was BS since he had polished off 3 pieces of pizza and 3 glasses of milk. I went and tucked Bobby in, only to come out to hear Dax still crying. I tried to console him several times. I finally wondered if perhaps from the pizza he had some heartburn or something like that. I brought him some milk and he finally settled down.

Bobby just never settled. He wasn’t upset, he just wasn’t sleeping. Ken got home around 8:30 and I sent him in to say goodnight as promised. Bobby still was not asleep.

I was exhausted, so I was heading to bed. I asked a few questions about the meeting, and one of the questions was, “do we need to move?” Ken answered yes. He said within 5 years. Now mind you, I am ok with the idea of moving. I would like a house in a different school district, and if at all possible, maybe a second bathroom. But, that does mean having money to do it. Unfortunately, this was a stress I was not prepared to think about so close to bed time. I found myself in the midst of an anxiety attack.

I tried to settle down on my own for a while, but just couldn’t. Ken suggested that this was one of the times the doctor said would be a good time for the Xanax. I reluctantly agreed. I think some of my anxiety was also from needing to take Xanax. You hear enough warnings and horror stories from people, it makes you nervous. Ok, it makes me nervous. I got up and took the tiny pill and crawled back into bed, asking Ken to make sure to watch for any bad changes in me. I settled in, wondering what the effect would be.

I remember feeling my legs having a heavy sensation, and my body followed soon after. It wasn’t bad or particularly good. It just kind of was. It must not have taken long for it to work as I was asleep pretty quick after that.

I woke up at one point around 1ish to Ken getting up. I heard Bobby yelling for daddy, which explained in my head why he got up and I drifted back to sleep.

At around 2:30, I heard crying and Ken was in and out of Bobby’s room a couple times. I asked what was wrong. Ken explained in a very aggravated voice that Bobby had yet to go to sleep, and because of this, neither had Ken. I instantly felt bad. I offered to get up, but Ken kind of growled at me as he got up. Bobby cried for a while and then seemed to stop by about 3. Ken had also clearly had an ass full of Monarch’s antics as Monarch was locked into the bathroom, which angered my cat to no end as he tried to open the door with his little paws.

I did manage to get a bit of sleep after that. I had dreams where I went to Vegas for an interview with Joel Stein for a magazine he was starting. I got hired to write columns. It was an odd dream, with lots of random people in the dream cheering me on.

So I am now at work, feeling super tired and wishing desperately that today was actually Friday. I have a company meeting today. Oh, wait, a Town Hall Meeting. Dude, it’s a fucking staff meeting. We don’t need fancy terms.

I really wish I drank coffee. I may have to break down and get myself a soda or something.

I am les offended by the iPad than most of the critical responses I have heard about it. It is still rather pretty. It is an Apple after all. I read many reviews, and some of the interesting advantages included things for work and also first computers for kids. I don’t know that I have any real use for something that large. Then again, I carry around Bitty now with me everywhere, and I wonder if I had the iPad instead for doing the same basic stuff that I wouldn’t like that slightly better. That being said, Bitty does have things like the built in camera for video chatting and most importantly, Bitty was free! I will be curious to see how they improve it since obviously this is first generation. I want one simply because it is a new toy, but I will be good and wait for full drooling.

I have an account that is going to be a giant nightmare for me. I have to mind my manners and not get pissed at this sales rep that I have to talk to about it shortly. I really am not happy about the probably outcome. Basically, it is a guy that does service work for us. So he orders parts. He also files warranty claims on a lot of the parts. He then, in his own warped accounting system, applies them randomly to invoices. He doesn’t inform us of this. So his invoices sit open and past due. I tried to reconcile this for a full year. I fought with our warranty department, our sales rep, and ultimately, they agreed with me, the guy was basically not holding up his end of the bargain and using me as his bookkeeper, and even then, he was not communicating. I sent him an email explaining that I would be clearing the account, leaving 3 invoices open that he now owed since there were no more credits. He didn’t respond. I sent him a 10 day demand letter for payment, which he ignored. He was sent to collections (outside firm). A month and a half later, he emails me yesterday and tells me, oh, go ahead and apply these couple credits to these couple invoices. Mind you, these are credits already used. So I explain this to him, and he gets uppity. He then sends me a bill for $7500 saying that because of the stress of this accounting, we cost him labor. Yeah, no fucking joke. He was charging us because he didn’t know how to run his company. Look, I know we, meaning my company, fucked up a couple times with him in incorrect issue of credits. Even so, copies of everything done were sent to him so he could enter it into his accounting software. I have a simple spreadsheet showing every document, and the net is still, he owes me money. But I found out that the sales rep, despite this man owing us money, despite his threats, and lack of good communication, oh, and by the by, his account is with our attorneys, he is working out a business deal with him!!!! DAMMIT! What the fuck? I have to call the rep in a little bit, and I am telling you, I am not looking forward to it.

Did you miss me?

1-27-10

Yesterday was crazy. I barely had time to pee. I had reports to work on, I had statements to go through, and a cash forecast that had to be done. It was a full 8 hours for sure. I was pooped when I got home. But I still managed to do my workout so I am pleased with myself.

The last couple nights I have been trying to do the things that I want to make sure are done nightly. Dishes, scooping the pans, straightening the boys’ rooms, a load of laundry. I wanted to see what it takes to have those things done before I crawl into bed each night. It isn’t too much stuff, really. While I make dinner, I can clean the kitchen as I go. Before I start the dinner, I scoop the pans. Of course, a load of laundry is running during all of this. Put everything away in the kitchen after I am done eating instead of waiting for Ken to do it in the morning. While Ken washes the boys, I can fold laundry, and then clean up their rooms. By the time they are in bed, I have accomplished the items that are musts every night. Last night was harder since I went to my mom’s. I may need to work on some of that differently in order to accomplish everything.

Tonight Ken is going to a neighborhood meeting to discuss this clean up that they are doing at the old pesticides plant down the street. We apparently are in some kind of bad plume area. I don’t know what any of this means, so hopefully he can find out the information.

I have been on my meds now for a full week. I don’t know if they are doing anything as of yet. I had a minor anxiety attack last night when I was in bed, but it didn’t last too long so I didn’t bother with a Xanax. I figure those are for bad ones. I feel a little edgy this morning, which may just be me feeling edgy, having nothing to do with the pills. In actuality, it may have more to do with dumb things my work does and doesn’t do. LOL! It is a strange combo of feelings to be annoyed and cranky along with being super tired. On one hand, I want to jump up and scream and holler at the idiots, but on the other hand, I really just want a nap.

I seem to have tweaked my lower back last night. Not sure how or when. All I know is when I got up this morning, I could hardly move. The shower and some stretching seemed to help. I have not taken any pain killers yet. I figure since I am mostly just sitting all day, I don’t need to medicate.

At night, I feel so old. I prep Ken and my pills each night. We each take a multi-vitamin, 2 of those fish oil pills, and we each have our respective prescription meds. It is pretty sad, really to take all those pills.

I opted to blow dry my hair this morning just for the hell of it. It looks pretty decent when I do that. It is a huge pain in the ass, though. I am still unhappy with the color, and I am really wishing I could do something to fix it. Unfortunately, I don’t know that I am the right one to do that. I worry that I will make it worse. I know that I could shell out some cash and go to someone to fix it. I don’t know that I hate the color that much to spend money on it. Man I am cheap.

Crap. I just scratched this itch on my boob and how the area is all red. Not a huge deal except when you are wearing a rather revealing shirt and your normally white breasts are now splotchy. Uncool.

My cold seems to be finally going away. Yay! I didn’t take NyQuil last night and seemed to sleep ok. My nose is relatively clear this morning. Of course, I worry about Friday since now for 2 Fridays in a row I have come down with some kind of sick. Maybe I will end up breaking something?

My diet seems to be going pretty well. I have cut down on portions and have limited my desert intake considerably. I probably should be eating even less, but I think by starting slowly, I am having more success. I should also be exercising even more, but once again, I need to find time. I would like to take the dogs for a walk. As much as I like the rain, I am hoping it stays clear so I can go back to that.

I am feeling a little overwhelmed. The boss is driving me nuts with his retardation. I sent him an email with attachments of all the data he asked for in his original email. He has called me a half a dozen times within 10 minutes to ask me for various forms. All of these forms are the attachments that he didn’t read. It is aggravating. In all fairness, the situation is something I apparently did wrong. But it is something I should have never been in charge of in the first place! Plus, it is fixable! I set up an account with a vendor for electronic billing. They took money out of our account instead of just billing us. What is even funnier is it looks like they did bill us. It is $60, so not like it will break the bank. It is stupid and annoying, and wow, it doesn’t require him to call me 100 times.

On top of that, I still have folks being needy this morning. Work folks coming up to me pretty much asking me to drop everything to help them right away. People asking me if there is a report that shows certain things, and when I tell them that I am unaware of one, they question me. Do they really think I am withholding information? Have I done this in the past??? I also have a friend who I know through work that is being overly needy and crazy. I understand her crazy, but at the same time, I don’t appreciate her needy. When she emailed me yesterday after I didn’t reply to a text, I explained I was super swamped. She then pouts in her email back to me and acts like I am horrible for not responding. It is frustrating to say the least.

I wonder how much the new iPad will cost.

Simple dinner tonight. Since Ken is going to this meeting, I am thinking it will be a leftovers kind of night. I really want pizza, but I am trying to be good. My mom told me that she doesn’t use the phrase “being good” anymore. She has traded it in with “being responsible”. I like that. It sounds less like you are being bad when you choose to do something not as good for you. LOL! Actually, I don’t even really want pizza. I just want easy. I am pretty sure I can whip something up that is easy tonight.

I feel like I drank more water than normal this morning. I think I have gone through like a gallon and a half!

I was wrong. We do have a mini family trip for summer time. My nephew is getting married August 16th, which is a Monday. I assume we are invited, but who knows. If we are, we are going. I would imagine it will be in San Francisco, but I really don’t know. Depending on when and the details, it might be fun to take the week off. If it is in San Fran, we can do the wedding, which is a Monday, then do the tourist crap with the boys for a day. We can also maybe go up to the compound for a few days. Of course, this all depends on details! It would be a good time to take off, anyway, since Bobby will be starting school in September, so it will be nice for him to get some good family time in before the big day. I will OF COURSE take that day off. I will be a wreck. I wonder if there is a kindergarten mommy support group for the first day.

I need to wake up!

1-25-10

Holy crap I am tired. This cold is not helping matters. I am quite tired of being sick.

It was a good weekend, despite the stuffy nose and exhaustion. Friday night I took the boys to my folks’ house as normal. Since it was still raining a bit off and on, I took their boots and rain ponchos. I thought they would have some fun stomping around in the rain a bit. The ponchos were way too big since they were designed for grownups, but I just tied them in the back so they had tails (which they loved). They wandered in the puddles and light rain for all of maybe 10 minutes. Then they were done. Oh well, they had 10 minutes of fun.

I updated my parents about my new anxiety medicine. They were both rather concerned at my stress levels. Once again, it was people that were unaware of how high strung I am. I must hide it well. They were concerned enough that my mom called me after I left and asked me if I wanted to go to lunch on Saturday.

So Saturday morning, I worked on cleaning things like the kitchen, which included reorganizing the pantry and party cabinet, and I did some other cleaning. I headed over to my mom’s around 11.

She and I went to lunch at Marie Calendars. It was nice to just hang out with my mom. We talked about random stuff and of course the big stuff. She mostly wanted to know what she could do to help. As of right now, the only thing she could do for me is to watch for any bad changes from the meds. I told her that for now, it was good that I could take the boys there a couple times a week since it allowed me to entertain them with minimal stress on my part. She still seemed concerned, but I think it is good to have the open communication.

I hung out with her, my dad and brother for another couple hours, and then headed home. I felt kind of bad bailing on Ken and the boys for that long. When I got home, no one seemed to mind. Bobby and Ken were playing Star Wars, and Dax was watching and playing with toys.

We then all went to Target to look at some sweats for the boys and then went to dinner at Denny’s. The boys were quite well behaved and the evening was pleasant. Of course, They pitched a huge fit when we got home when it was time for bed. Naps are a good thing and it is too bad neither of them chose to take advantage of it.

Sunday was good! We went bowling, and this was the first time without Freddie. Thank goodness! He has been suffering from some bad headaches, which my dad thinks is from high blood pressure, but Freddie is blaming it on smells. Yes, you read that right. He said my mom’s perfume is too strong. He also said the other lady who bowled on the other side of them had too much on. Mind you, my mom hardly wears any. Freddie is one who doesn’t believe in doctors and thinks he knows everything. I am not sad to see him go.

With no Freddie it meant we were back on just 2 lanes, which made it all so much more pleasant. Matt didn’t get too worked up. He had some arguments, but it was mellow. Bobby bowled just one game, Dax bowled a few frames. All in all, one of the least stressful bowling outing for me in some time.

We had considered going to Disneyland, but based on the little divas I call my sons, I suggested we not do that since they were getting too accustomed to getting fun stuff every second. Instead, we just hung out at home. We cleaned out one of the closets in Dax’s room. It had several boxes and bags of toys that needed to be gone through. There also was a box of books that we went through. We got rid of a lot of stuff. It is in a couple boxes now to get rid of.

Because of the clean closet, we were inspired. The couple boxes of Christmas stuff were put up into the attic. On a side note, the attic will be done very soon. Yie. I also worked on our bedroom. By the time we went to bed, all three bedrooms looked awesome, the kitchen was clean, the pans were fresh, a closet was organized, and a couple of things in the living room were done. Yay! I felt so productive.

Yay Facebook! I was on there dinking around when Joel Stein, my new favorite columnist, posted information on this seminar he was going to be speaking at. It is in LA on the 4th of February. It is about freelance writing and how to improve and how to get hired to do this kind of work. The speakers include Joel, a guy who wrote the book Alternadad (a book I read and really enjoyed), and another person who writes for LA Weekly. Tickets were only $25. I looked at it and though for a long time about how it would be so much fun. Finally, last night, I opted to go. So I got tickets and now I get to go! I am so happy and excited and I really can’t wait. Should be interesting all around!

I seriously am falling asleep. I know that the Nyquil is supposed to be worn off by now, but I always feel a bit foggy much of the morning after a dose the night before. I can feel that the good effects are wearing off since my nose is slowly becoming a solid mass.

Sheesh! A couple of trucks just drove past and my god, the whole building shook! It was terrifying!

I have a benefits meeting I need to go to at 8:30. The only positive about that is I get up and walk around a smidge to go over there. It means I make wake up a bit. I just hope my tired goes away for tomorrow. Although reports are nice and time consuming and my day goes by quickly. I am sure it will put me to sleep!

I found out that my parents are going out of town on the 2nd of April. This means my thoughts of having the boys stay with them overnight isn’t happening that weekend. I am thinking I will take advantage of their missing the boys for a whole week and hitting them up the following weekend.

My mom also was cool with the boys spending the weekend with them if Ken and I go to this castle wine tasting place with Andy and Scott. So that may be a summer trip.

I am in the midst of doling out relationship advice. It is much too early for this, but it is what I do. It is especially difficult in texting. I also am not sure I am very good at advice. LOL!

I had freaky high school dreams last night. I was graduating. I was at some graduation party. Lot of people there. I felt so incredibly lost. People I knew barely noticed me. I talked to people I didn’t know. A couple of important people seemed to keep disappearing. I was sad, but at the same time strangely relieved. I remember getting on a bus, driving past the Costa campus (which so was not Costa) and yelling out goodbye, and then going towards some big building that seemed to be in Vegas. It was the same building I was in before in another dream. It was like a city in a building. I went in there and was going to go towards this one place, and then I woke up. It was very odd all around.

My benefits meeting was dull and it is shocking I stayed awake. Luckily it was kind of chilly in there. The rest of my morning has been in a zoned state. It doesn’t help that I don’t end up really talking to any real people here. I may need to go and seek out conversation after lunch time just to perk up.

I am looking forward to my workout. I like the fact that the yoga stretches really help my back. I have noticed my lower back is less sore in general. My upper back is a little off, but I am thinking that is from bad posture in my chair at the computer. I speculate this because that is when it starts to really hurt. Maybe I will look for a stretch that works on that.

When is Spring? That is when I decided I will cut my hair short. That gives me a couple months to enjoy long hair and then I will chop it all. I need a change again, so my hair gets to take care of that.

I wonder how many calories are burned when you have a restless leg. And is it twice as much when you shake both legs?

Does dancing at your desk count as exercise?

I wonder if I should take the boys to the park tonight since it is supposed to rain again tomorrow.

I need to get Valentines for the boys to hand out at daycare.

I need to go to Albertsons to have Bobby look at their cakes and to get some ice cream.

I need to repaint my nails.

I need some sleep.

pretty blah

1-22-10

What a noisy morning! I came in to work to find the ginormous fan blowing into our server room. Apparently the air conditioner went out. Again. It happens quite a bit. So in order to cool the room, they have the fan on. The problem with all of this is that this fan is smack dab in the middle of our small department. It isn’t quiet. It sounds like a jet plane. But they have to do this in order to not have our computers shut down. With it being a rainy day, I wonder how much of a pain the air conditioning is going to be.

The noise is bad because taking calls is impossible with this noise. You can hardly hear yourself think, let alone speak.

Ken took Bobby to see Avatar. Bobby really enjoyed it and apparently was pretty glued to it the whole time. He got a little spooked during a couple of sequences (including the preview for Alice in Wonderland by Tim Burton), but over all he liked it. I got home to them playing video games, both looking pretty pleased with their guy day.

We ate kind of early as all of us were hungry, so it gave us more time for play and a bath instead of showers for the boys. They have so much energy due to not really being able to go outside for a few days. This afternoon they will be able to get out some of it, so that will be good.

I have this stupid cold now. Since apparently Fridays are now sick days for me. Sigh. But in this instance, I am actually at work. I wish I was in bed. Although, last night I just couldn’t sleep. My throat hurt because my nose was stuffy and I was breathing through my mouth. I found comfortable spots a few times when I propped myself up a bit, but by the time I figured this out, the alarm was going off. Also, I was surprised when at about 11 I had to get up to pee. Not that getting up to pee is unusual, but normally it is one of those things where when I think about peeing, so therefore I have to pee and I better get up or I will never get comfortable. Then I end up having like no pee. But last night when I got up, it was a lot! I had not drank gobs of fluids in the evening, so I wonder what that was about. It sucked, too, since I had been warm in bed, and having to go pee that much for that long was freezing!

Thank goodness! The fan has been turned off and I can hear again!

I may have distressed my mother. I told her that I was now on the anti anxiety meds via email, and she was worried. She said we needed to find another mom/daughter day soon. I am going there tonight, so I told her I would try to fill her in as best as possible. I don’t want her to freak out about it. I mean, it isn’t like I am dying. Actually, I am feeling pretty good that I got the medicine just for the simple fact that I did something to help me. This is 100% for me and that is rare for me to do. Hopefully she sees that it is nothing bad, especially since it is being taken care of.

I really wish my nose would stop dripping. It is super irritating.


I am super excited that this weekend is plans free. Sure, we need to do stuff like cleaning, but that is minor. It is supposed to be sunny out, so the boys can stomp around outside all day and get super dirty. I have considered washing the dogs, but with more rain on the way, I think I may wait. Man, have their muddy paws done a number on my kitchen floor.

And as sad as this sounds, tonight I am looking forward to playing on Farmville. It is probably the only game left that I play that I actually really enjoy. I don’t even feel like I am going through the motions. I have weaned myself off of most of the games, and really, I spend the most time on 2, Farmville being one of them. They expanded our “farms” and now I get to decorate. It is super lame, but not much more lame than any other video game. I enjoy myself and really, isn’t that all that matters?

The rain doesn’t seem to be done, so I am happy. My morning went by at a good pace and now it is almost noon. Before I know it, I will be heading home. Woo hoo!

Still rockin the meds

1-21-10

I am getting pretty tired of being sick. Sure, this sick isn’t as bad as the flu from last week, but a cold is always annoying. Luckily, it isn’t horrible. Mostly just the sniffles.

Stephanie pointed out that while I am on meds I should make a point of writing down any symptoms I experience. This way I can track to see if I feel any different and can watch for any problems. I think this is an excellent idea. In addition to this, I am to watch for any changes in my own moods. Everything from wild mood swings to maybe no mood at all. Yes, this drug could in fact take away my anger and anxiety, yet at the same time remove the super cheerful and leave me, well, no offense Ken, but like Ken! LOL! He is almost too even tempered. I don’t know if I could function like that. I need some swings. As long as the swings are in check, I should be ok.

I may not be able to tell when I start acting different. So I am relying on friends and family. Even this blog will be a useful tool for me to see if I am changing for the better or worse. I have coworkers now paying attention to my moods. Ken is going to watch at home. People reading this will in fact have a pretty perfect insight to my head. If I get crazy, I just need to know!

As for symptoms so far, I have felt a little foggy. Now, a lot of that is lack of sleep and this pesky cold, so I don’t really know how much is the meds. But I wanted to point out that I have felt like that. I didn’t have anything really set me off yesterday, so it is hard to say if I was mellower or less stressed. I did have a raging headache most of the afternoon yesterday. It is gone right now, so we will see if it comes back. I also am super tired. Once again, this could be normal, but I want to note any of my physical and mental stuff just to have it out there. It doesn’t hurt to be overly cautious.

I did my work out yesterday, which felt good. I did so good on my step class. I only missed 2 steps! Yay! It really doesn’t matter, but it does mean I am really concentrating on my workout and having fun competing with myself.

The rain yesterday was awesome. Right after I got home, it was this woosh of crazy rain. Our backyard is a lake. Ken took the boys out in their boots to go look at Lake Brenan. I think tomorrow I will pack their boots and rain ponchos I picked up as a joke gift in their stockings, so they can run around at my parents house. I suppose I will need to pack some extra clothes, too. LOL!

I am super tired and this is bugging the heck out of me. I really need to get to bed earlier. I am just zoned out here. Probably doesn’t help that I am kind of caught up on work stuff right now. I have some general maintenance to attend to, but overall, it is a lazy day.

I need to test my will power. Someone brought chocolate cake. Dammit! It smells good, too. But I am going to be good.

You know, I have not heard of any giant travel plans for this year. How very odd. LOL! I have considered some mini ones. There is this castle that is a winery that has this cool tour with tastings and chocolate. It is in Northern California and we have discussed going with Andy and Scott. Not sure if we will end up leaving the boys with my folks or Ken’s or for how many days yet. Nothing is set in stone yet. My parents are going to the castle in March, so they are going to see if it is any good. Other than a possible castle trip, I think we are staying home most of this year.

Ken is considering taking Bobby to go see Avatar this morning. I think that he might enjoy a lot of it as it is pretty action packed, even for the full 3 hours. I just worry that he will get bored, or possibly sick from the 3D. Don’t know. I told Ken to go ahead and take him and that just be prepared that he might have to leave early. Ken has already seen the movie twice, so it isn’t like he would miss anything important. I just texted him back to tell him to go ahead and take him and have a good time.

It is fun that the boys are getting old enough to enjoy outings like movies. I need to take them to the aquarium again. Dax expressed interest in seeing real sharks. I think Ken should take them to play laser tag. They love playing the shooting games, and that would be a lot of fun. It may be time to go check out Mulligans, too. I think Dax might now be tall enough for most stuff, so we are able to do things like the go carts. I am looking forward to these family outings.

I still feel like I can be cheerful. That seems good. I know I am over analyzing all things going on with me right now. I still feel slightly foggy, almost like I had some Nyquil. Now the question, does this fog go away and can I still be witty. Hmm..

Ok, I can safely say I still get annoyed and angry. Customer just bitched me out for something our parts department fucked up on. Not cool.

In reality, though, even though I have found myself getting annoyed, I don’t feel like I am annoyed for as long. Almost like I am too tired to stay pissed. Like normall, after that call, I would have been annoyed for rest of the day. But right now, I don’t feel like that ruined my day or anything. And I have had like a list of idiot customers today. Yet I feel ok. Although, the headache is returning, which bothers me. I am going to see if some Tylenol will help.

I am listening to Itty, and going through the newly rated songs in our library. Ken went through all of them and added stars so that we could just play songs with 2, 3 or 4 plus stars depending on the mood. I have known for some time that even though Ken and I like a lot of the same kind of music, there are differences. He likes Garth Books, I like Rick Astley. I am ok with this, and even don’t mind the occasional Garth Books song now. He puts up with the Beatles for me and I tolerate Aqua. But I am drawing the line. I cannot listen to another fucking Enya song. Holy hell. I hated her when she came out with that fucking Sail Away song. It is almost worse than Amazing Grace for me. And it isn’t just Enya. There is Forest for the Trees and countless other random new age style crap spewing out of Itty. It isn’t right to torture a poor little MP3 player like that. What did he ever do to you? I know I really can’t talk. I have some music on there that just baffles Ken. Thank god we can both agree on the bulk of it. I mean, if he didn’t like Milli Vanilli, what would I do?

I feel I need to take Dax out on a Dax day. Bobby gets to do this kind of thing all the time where he goes to Ken’s work or to the movies. I know life isn’t fair, but Dax should get to do some things, too. The question is, what. He doesn’t like to sit still through anything. He just wants to run. Hell, maybe just some new park we have not been to, and if it is just Dax, he is so much easier to keep track of. The two of them at a park is chaos.

Yay rain! It is pouring again. This is very happy making. Probably not for my dogs, but hopefully Ken kept them inside. He did the other day. When he gates them in the living room, they mostly stay out of trouble.

I have kept myself busy all morning with accounts. It has been a productive day thus far. Let’s hope that the afternoon flies by. I can’t wait to hear how Bobby enjoyed the film. Boy, if Bobby ends up being a sci fi junkie like Ken, Ken will have a permanent movie buddy. Way cool.

Medicated

1-20-10

I am medicated.

Of course, I so can’t tell yet.

My doctor’s visit went quite well. I saw a new doctor in my PCP’s group. He put me at ease pretty quickly. Probably within 3 seconds when he walked in. First, he said hello to the boys, and then he noticed Ken’s Robot Chicken Star Wars shirt. He then told the boys about a Darth Vader pen he just got. He ran out and brought it back to show them. It was a Lego Pen. Clearly, this doc was one of our people.

Ken distracted the boys with some Yo Gabba Gabba on Itty and this allowed me to talk to the doctor without the distraction of the boys. He asked me the standards. He wanted to know symptoms. I explained the cluster of attacks I had been having since Thursday. I mentioned that it seemed to happen a lot when I would lie down to sleep. He speculated perhaps some reflux. It sounded interesting. But we pressed on to see if this was really the diagnosis.

I explained that I also get it other times, so he ruled out the reflux as a cause. He mentioned thyroid, but based on the length of time I have had attacks in general and my lack of other key symptoms, thyroid didn’t seem to fit. He also felt around to see if there were any masses. This is where I decided he ruled. He says to me, “Try to swallow while I choke you.” I almost died laughing.

He proceeded to list of several options of medication. Some would help in sleep, but Ken and I stressed that sleep is not my problem and that as long as I am not in the midst of an attack, I sleep great. So he ruled those out. He didn’t want to give me anything that was more geared towards depression as I didn’t have those symptoms, either.

Ken pointed out to him around this time that I was anxious right there. He was shocked. He told me that he would have had no idea. I apparently hide it well. I pointed out that I can’t exactly freak out all the time as I gestured to the boys. He understood immediately.

He brought up my file on the computer. As a side note, man, those charts on the computer rock. He can bring it all up so quickly, send a prescription off to my pharmacy all in a few clicks. No more little pieces of paper with crappy writing. I pointed out to him that our kids would not understand bad doctor handwriting jokes.

On the screen, he was clicking off the two meds we had decided on. I would be taking Effexor as a daily medication, and he was going to give me a 30 day supply of Xanax for emergency attacks. The Effexor will take about 6 weeks to really kick in. We are hoping I don’t need to take the Xanax. It is habit forming and I don’t know that I want to be that messed up. The screen had the different doses with little green happy faces next to them. I asked if the happy faces were because they were happy pills. He laughed and said that they were just indications that my insurance covered them.

He wants to see me in 2 months in order to follow up. By that time I should be feeling something and we will see if I need more or less or something else. Until then, I feel like I am on placebos. I mean, it isn’t like I feel anything specific yet. All I know is that I took the pink pill. I am not in some Matrix or down any rabbit holes. I know that it isn’t supposed to work that way. It is just one of those things where you feel like when you take some kind of drug you should notice something. LOL!

Perhaps just the feeling that I did something good for myself allowed me to be calmer last night in general. I was also way too amused at rhyming placebo with gazebo.

It may have also helped a great deal that Ken had done all the laundry. He spent the day yesterday making sure the kitchen was clean for when I got home and now everyone in our house has clean underwear! The boys and I helped put it all away and now there are just a couple more small loads to do. It means that this weekend I can concentrate on some other things. Number one is operation “get rid of the bags of toys”. We have several bags of old toys that we need to just get rid of. I also want to find some way to contain their costumes better. Because Ken got a jump start on the chores, we can work on that organizing I want to accomplish. I am so excited!

At the new dollar store I picked up two bottles of nail polish. One was a really pretty sparkly deep red. The other, black. I painted my nails black last night, and wow, it is a pretty good polish for a buck. It only took one coat to get it super black. I am impressed. I may need to go pick up some more.

I was very excited last night when Bobby at least tried a burrito. He ate probably a third of one. Dax opted to not eat a burrito or a taco, so thinking about it now, I guess he didn’t eat dinner. We have decided the new tactic on their picky behavior is that dinner is 30 minutes long. You can eat during that time (of course if you are still eating and the 30 minutes is up, this is ok), and if you just sit there for a half an hour, at the 30 minute mark your plate is taken away. I will try to provide foods they like along with ones they need to try. Lately they pick at food unless it is a favorite. Then right before bed, they complain that they are hungry. So they need to learn that dinner is when we eat. They don’t get to just decide later they need more food, especially since it isn’t that they are hungry, they want sweets.

It is so funny how open people can be now days on what meds they take. There was a time when there was shame in being on meds. Now, I have no problem posting my exact dose all over Facebook. LOL!

This sucks. I feel like I have a slight cold. I am not shocked. My poor body has been messed up the last week.

Wow, so that is surprising. I just called the school to see when registration is. Not only do they not know yet, they said it would not be until at least April. You hear about all these other schools registering in like Feb, so I just assumed. I have not decided on if I should try to get a permit for another school. I may just stick with Halldale since the boys know where it is and know that is where they are supposed to go. Ken told me we should be able to get Bobby into preschool next month so that he can have a few months of it before the big day of kindergarten. Yay!

Clearly we are testing my meds already. Ken found a leak in the roof. Sigh. He is off to go get something for temporary until the rains stop in a few days. He said fixing the front section where it is a problem is not going to be too much, so that is something. Part of me wants to just get a whole new roof, but that is pricey. We will have to look into things. It means, actually, that on Saturday he can work on roof stuff, which allows me to work on my own projects like the toys. This is a good thing.

Painting my nails is a very good thing. I have not picked at my fingers all day!

Man, I have been uber productive today. I am a little sleepy, though, since some of it has been rather monotonous.

How long does someone normally stay on an anti anxiety med? I wonder if it is something I will need to be on forever or if it will just be for a while for me to get my stress levels back in check. I am ok with either, mind you, I am just curious.

doctor time!

1-19-10

I am up, I am not thrilled about it. LOL!

We took the boys to McDonalds yesterday. It was good since they really ran around a ton. We hung out for a couple hours, and they didn’t stop until they had to. I am glad we went.

After that we headed by the mall to see about getting new hairbrushes. It clearly has been some time since we got nice ones since I so don’t remember them being that much. Ok, I do remember them being pricey, but $16?? Boy, we are cheap. Luckily, I think I know a couple places that will have them for less.

At the mall, we found a new dollar store. They had, no joke, a little of everything. Maternity pants to bamboo to shoelaces to beach balls. It was crazy! I found the socks the boys love with Mickey Mouse on them, which delighted Dax. There was also Spongebob in his size. They had lots of princess ones, too, but we didn’t get those. We did get them each as beach ball. We needed to replace the ones Luna and Lycos had popped. Of course, these won’t last long, but for a buck, what the hell. I am always excited to find a reasonable dollar store for random things. This one is a place we will visit often. It reminded me of a thrift store.

It pays to have connections. I know the lady at the information booth at Del Amo and she was there last night. The mall has a kids club that they can spin this wheel and pick a prize based on the number the wheel lands on. Sure, they spun the wheel, but she gave them each like 4 prizes and didn’t make them stick to a certain “level”. They got little containers with bug finger puppets. The containers even have air holes so you can catch your own real bugs. Very cool.

Our whole network is going flooey this morning. I think I may need to shut things down for a while.

Ok, I am back. Currently we have no internet. My email is touchy. I can’t run my credit program. Oh yeah, and voice mail is down. Some people can’t even log on to their computer, which is annoying since one of those people is my boss, which means he is wandering the department looking for people to annoy. Sigh. This sucks. The worst part is I am not disabled enough to say, read a magazine. I can still do a few things. I am just not as efficient and I am afraid to start some things for fear I won’t be able to finish due to system issues.

I started work on a new column, but I feel rather uninspired today. I think I need some ideas from folks.

I am freezing. I have on my heater, I have on a big scarf, sweater and boots, yet it is freezing in here. Of course, this could be my fault being that in the last hour I have downed a half a gallon of ice water.

I am having a bad self image day. I am all proud of my matching hat and scarf combo, but I feel the hat is too small for my head and my face looks gross. Yet I have been told twice today I look prettier than normal. How can I not see the compliments? That seems bad. There are days when I think I look good, today is not one. I wish I knew why.

I feel gobs of stress. I need to tackle some of it. This weekend I am cleaning. And I don’t mean just sweeping the floor. I need to organize. I need to throw stuff out. I need to do something where I don’t feel embarrassed about having people over. Kitchen may be one stop. Pantry, cupboards with dishes and glasses I never ever use. All of that needs to go. Bedroom is a huge thorn in my side. The entry way, well, I may need to redo my whole living room to make things right. We will see.

Ok, I made the appointment. I go in at 3:15. It is funny, I called and told my lady I needed an appt for anxiety. She didn’t even question it. So then she asks if I can come in today. I tell her no as I have too much on my plate today, and she laughs and tells me that this may be why I am having anxiety. She tells me to come in. LOL!! She rocks. So I am not going to my mom’s today, I am just going to the doc. I am nervous. Mostly because I don’t want them to listen to my chest or something and tell me I have like 3 months to live. But I am also excited at the prospect of getting some kind of help to calm the fuck down.

The only real problem with the appt is I can’t work out when I get home. This is upsetting to me. Well, I will just have to do it tonight. I also had plans for cleaning, but once again, it will have to wait. I need to stop operating in life as though everything has to be done 10 minutes ago. If I am unproductive today in regards to organizing or exercise, it will not kill me. The not taking care of anxiety could. If only I would listen to my logical voices.

triumphant return

1-18-10

What a long weekend. And not always long in a good way.

Come Thursday evening, Ken was feeling the first wave of sick. At about 11ish, he threw up and I knew we were in for a hellish next 24 hours.

I refused to get sick. No joke. I felt the rumblings of nasty in my gut and I just laid very still, willing it to go away. I so did not want to hurl. I actually started having anxiety attacks from it. Ken got up several times, and I just laid there. I didn’t sleep, I just concentrated. Like a weird anti puke meditation.

At around 3, my bowels were getting the best of me. I finally had to get up. Thankfully, or, well, I am not 100% sure on this, I didn’t ever throw up. Everything exited where it was supposed to. It was a lot, and my stomach was in gobs of horrid pain and discomfort, but I didn’t have to throw up. I wonder if I would have felt better quicker had I let myself do so, but I think I am ok with the results.

Ken got it gobs worse than I did. He, however, was at least more functional than I was that morning and he got the kids up and ready and over to daycare. When I stood, I was light headed and weak. I could hardly shuffle from my bed to the bathroom, and it was an even greater challenge to return to bed.

Ken and I slept from 8:30 till probably about 11. I finally got up since my chest muscles were hurting. I assume from a combo of a very vigorous workout the day before and the countless anxiety attacks I dealt with. Hell, it could have just been from lying in bed for that long. My back was killing me too. We headed into the living room to whimper and whine in there for a while. At least we would have the distraction of some tv.

Several things came up as we sat there. First, we heard the street cleaner drive by. Shit! We had not moved our cars as I am normally at work, and Ken is not throwing up everything he has eaten in the last week. Next, Ken realized not only did he have to get some flyers to a school, he had a class he had to attend. Luckily, he was functional and managed to do both of these outings. I, on the other hand, was still rough and I hardly moved.

I fought my fear of not wanting to consume fluids for fear the vomit would make a sneak attack. Although, the minute I started drinking some water, I felt gobs better. I even opted to take the boys to my parents’ house in order to allow them some healthy people to interact with, and I could just lie there. This would also give Ken a couple hours of no kid time so he could rest some more.

That entire trip was tough, but I think worth it. The boys had fun, and my dad was able to laugh at me as I was in this crumpled ball on the chair in the garage. LOL!

When I got home, the pain started coming back and I realized it was not sick anymore, it was hunger. This seemed promising. I had not eaten in 24 hours, so hunger made some sense. I had some chicken broth, and it settled ok.

We went to bed early, but at around 10 I woke up in searing pain in my gut. I was sure the chicken soup had angered the stomach gods and I was now going to die. It lasted all of an hour and I finally settled back in and got some sleep. Not much, though. I just could never get comfortable.

Saturday morning we were going to my parents’ house again as Grammie and my great aunt Dee were coming. Ken was still sickly, so I told him to just stay home and sleep. I was feeling much better so I took the boys over a little earlier than planned. It was good timing, though, as they were just getting there.

We pulled up and the boys recognized that Grammie was there. Grammie had just pulled back out of the driveway, though, in order to park on the street. She had dropped Dee off. I crossed the street and the boys ran up to the porch to say hello to my mom. Then, Dax charged up to Dee, with a big hug, yelling, “Grammie!” It was after he pulled back and looked up that he realized he was not in his great grandmother’s embrace.

“AAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!” He was terrified. He burst into tears and glared at poor Dee. That was not Grammie. He didn’t even want to deal with Grammie when she walked up. He was done. Dee was so sweet about it and took no offense, thankfully. We got Dax upstairs, calmed down with some milk and a cracker. Dee said she was sorry to him, which only started him up all upset again. So my dad took him outside to play.

The boys ended up playing on their bikes and I visited with Grammie, Dee and my mom. My mom went and played with the boys for a while and I got the latest gossip on my cousins and the goings on. All of this of course I filled my mom in on later, which of course just made my mom annoyed at Grammie. LOL!

Matt got home from bowling and we went to lunch at the Big Wok. A bold meal for someone with only chicken broth in her gut, but I had a small helping and it settled fine. I think it was happy to have some real food in there.

Lunch was fun. It was a great visit and Dax even talked to Dee all on his own. It appeared all was forgiven. Yay! Dee also told me how well behaved they were in the restaurant and told me she was impressed with them completely. Another Yay!

We got back to the house and we visited some more while the boys played with Lego upstairs. It was a loud afternoon, but good. Grammie and Dee didn’t leave until about 3:30 or so. I ended up sticking around for another hour and a half and got home a little after 5.

Ken had not only rested, he did the dishes and some laundry, which was awesome! He also ordered Chinese food so I wouldn’t have to cook. He and I didn’t eat much of it, but it is nice to have all these leftovers in our fridge so cooking has been optional.

We didn’t go bowling Sunday morning. One more sleeping in morning sounded good. Granted, I didn’t sleep in that much. Dax woke up and needed his butt changed so I got up with him. He and I watched Up. Well, really, he watched Up and I chatted with Dani and played on Facebook. Bobby got up and the movie was about over when Ken got up.

We had planned on using this coupon we had that expired Sunday for breakfast at Denny’s. We decided to go ahead and do it. After that we went and got cat food and crickets. We also walked up to Toys R Us to look around.

It was in Toys R Us I started feeling wrong.

I had been dealing with a severe storm of anxiety attacks since Thursday night. In fact, Saturday night, I had a hard time settling in. I was up till midnight, all jittery and feeling wrong. In Toys R Us it hit be hard. I felt like my heart was racing. We checked my pulse, and it was a little high. I felt like I wasn’t really there. It was freaky. Ken drove us home and we checked my blood pressure. It was fine. If anything, it was a bit low. My pulse was also fine. Yet I still felt off.

I noticed every time I had to yell at the kids, pick up some trash or anything that is “stress causing”, I felt the same symptoms. It was horrible. I don’t think I have more stress than other people, but I may just not be able to deal with it correct. Now, add to this my recent diet and exercise changes, being super sick and still coping with exhaustion, my whole body was not happy with me.

I went outside to play with the dogs, and I think the fresh air helped. We spent some time prepping for the rains. All of this was working towards a result, and I could feel myself being less stressed. See, the problem is, I need to relax. But in order to relax, I have to of been productive so that then I feel like I can relax. And no, I gave this some thought, it isn’t just that I want something to have been cleaned. I specifically have to have done the cleaning. Even if it is a small project, I need to be the one to have done it, and I feel good about it. I need help.

And when I say help, I am actually going to call my doctor. They are probably closed today for the holiday, but I am going to set up an appointment in order to either get a referral for some counseling or hell, give me some drugs. I need something. I read one of those checklist of symptoms that you look at to determine if you have an anxiety disorder, and I had like all but one. Scary!

The boys went to nap right before the rains came. Bobby slept, but Dax fought it. Ken and I watched Bedtime Stories (super cute). When I say watch, I swear, with interruptions galore, it took us 3 hours to watch a 90 minute movie. Not cool.

After the movie, Ken played video games with Bobby, and Dax and I set up his train case and he helped me prep things like the hot chocolate for after dinner.

We watched the Golden Globes. I always enjoy that awards show. It did not disappoint. I wanted to watch it last night for fear that they would talk about it on the radio this morning. Stupid me, they are on vacation today so they are not there. I could have gone to bed way earlier! Oh well. I am just excited that I managed to get some pretty good sleep last night and although I woke up still tired, I didn’t feel like I was just getting up because I wasn’t sleeping anyway so might as well get up.

I have Ken’s car today. Since there is no daycare, Ken is with the boys. Not that they plan on going anywhere, especially with it pouring as it is, and on a holiday, but he needs the option. I do not care for his car, especially with the shocks going out. Ken did text me this morning to make sure I got to work ok, as he had awoken from a bad dream about me, the Blazer and some kind of elephant animal. I assured him no pachyderms assaulted me on my drive in.

I am shockingly caught up this morning already. Although I was greeted with a giant pile of adjustments I needed to attend to, it wasn’t bad. I do have some agings for auditors that have to be generated, but most of that is easily done. With it being a holiday, I assume most companies won’t even be open today. We don’t get any mail, so no checks. It will probably end up being pretty dull today. But I suppose that is ok. We downloaded a bunch of newish songs on Itty, so I am hoping to enjoy some good tunes today.

I used the hair dye Ken got me last night. It accomplished a couple of things. The strip on the back of my head which didn’t match the rest of my hair before is now blended in nicely with everything else. My hair is also less black and more brown. It is still dark, but it has a bit of an auburn tone to it. It is also not nearly as fried as I was afraid it would be. This was a pretty mild dye. It turned out to not be the amazing stuff I got 2 times ago, but it was good. In another month, I will see how much fades and perhaps even need to hit it with a lighter shade. It does look better, though, so I am pleased.

Bobby took a picture of me yesterday. He tells me it is so he will remember me when I die. Dude, kid now is on a morbid streak.

On the plus side, having the flu is an excellent way to kick start your diet. Seriously, you don’t want to eat, and you really don’t for a couple days. Plus, everything you do consume leaves your body at an alarming rate, which just means less crap inside you. I still would like to be hooked up to IV’s for a little while, like maybe a week or so, in order for me not to eat. That way perhaps my appetite will shrink and I will eat less when I am done with a liquid diet.

Tonight I need to go out. Crap. I need a couple things. I suppose they can kind of wait, but I might as well get them done. One of our remaining 2 hair brushes is dead. The other is on its last legs. I need to get new brushes. This includes a new one for work. On top of that, I need a new compact for work. I want a People magazine. The brushes we use come from the Body Shop, so that is a real outing. The other items can be obtained at Ralphs. The question is, what is most important, and what can wait. All of this needs to be considered.

With the Haiti earthquake, and a new one in Guatemala this morning, it was pointed out we should probably have some kind of kit. I know we have provisions, but how many do we really have, and is it centralized? I suppose we should work on that. I need Ken’s meds, and the obvious supplies.

Hooray! Someone just told me it looked like I had lost some weight! Of course, it helps not consuming much the last few days, but I will so take it! Perhaps my lifestyle changes are paying off. I resume some exercise today. I am going to do lots of Yoga to stretch out my back. But I figure 30 minutes a day is going well!

I am pleased that so far today I have been super productive. I have emailed 40 customers or so. That doesn’t sound like very many. But it really is, especially since each email requires me to attach invoices, manually write up a note on each email about the balance, list all the invoices, and in most cases, doing a search on the net to find an email address for them. We have email on many folks, but not all. They still like the calling technique. It is a shame for a company so gung ho on trying to get ahead on the tech curve we are still so far behind. They want us to all have web cams at our desks so we can see each other internally. Why? Why in the world is this needed? Yet this is the same company that neglects to put an email address as a requirement on their applications, and when customers do list an email address, they don’t enter it into the system, leaving it on an application that stays in some file. It is truly remarkable.

YAY! Listening to Bad, Bad Leroy Brown. Super happy making!!

Sick Gone!

1-14-10

So it is good I went home yesterday when I did. Ken had given the boys both milk, which didn’t agree with them. Dax threw up in the living room, Bobby shortly after. One silver lining is that we taught Bobby how to know before he is sick and to run to the bathroom. The 3 times he threw up while I was home all were in the toilet. Poor darling, though. I put a bandana on him to help hold his hair out of his face. He has so little color while he was on the couch, he looked like a little cancer patient. Very sad.

Dax managed to eat some oatmeal around noon and kept it down. They both drank lots of fluids and Bobby kept that down from about noon on. Dax was cheery all afternoon, Bobby was just lethargic. He also got a small fever. We put them down for a nap around 1:30 and they slept till 5. They would have slept longer, but neither of them were dressed for an all night sleep and let’s just say it would have been messy.

Neither of them ate dinner. Dax tried a banana, but they still had not appetite, which made sense. Bobby got a bit of a fever, which a couple of doses of Tylenol took care of. By the time they went to bed at 8, they were in good spirits and seems loads better. And unless I just slept through it, they didn’t have any issues over night.

We went to bed just a little bit after them. I was beat. During their nap, really, we should have been napping, but instead we just vegged out in front of the tv and caught up on American Idol and Simpsons. We spent most of the day working on laundry. Ken had gone to the dentist in the morning and to the grocery store, which got us provisions for the day.

We watched a lot of movies. We started the morning with Transformers, then did Spy Kids. Next was Wizard of Oz. After nap, they watched the Chipmunks. Thank goodness we have so many movies. When I was a kid, I am pretty sure I didn’t have that many options! Only one of these movies was a DVD! The rest were all on my Tivo.

I didn’t do my workout yesterday. I was so freaking tired I could hardly stand. I probably should of at least done the yoga. Maybe tonight I will do an extra session. I knew that rest was more important. Last night I slept pretty damn good. I was quite comfy and I could have slept another 4 hours easy. But at least I am functional.

So today, I have work to keep me occupied. I actually have a bunch of little projects that I am working on, so at least I don’t feel like I am just twiddling my thumbs.

Dax was saying he was three and then asks me how old I am. So I tell him that I am 34, to which Bobby replies, “I am just regular 4”.

Should I worry about Wii? So my Fit Trainer is this broad who is not overly chipper, and she is tolerable. A couple days ago, this dude shows up and tells me he is my replacement. She shows up for the next exercise like nothing happened. Then two days ago, she pops up, stretches and says all defeated, “I think I stayed up a little late last night.” What the fuck? Is my Wii trainer a party girl? Mind you, I did take a little offense when after the late night remarks, she lectures me on the importance of sleep. Either way, I worry I may need to get an intervention together with the other Wii trainers to sit this chick down.

I have been browsing the app store on my iTouch like crazy. I have downloaded several of the free apps. One is a calorie guide, which is cool. I also have a couple of games so I can entertain the boys if need be. I downloaded a way to listen to KROQ. Of course, that one doesn’t work unless I am near a WiFi network, but it is better than nothing! I have not started getting any pay for apps. Although I am tempted by this one called Hanged in which it is essentially hangman, but all animated into this tragic love story. It is supposed to be amazing to watch. I just don’t know if it is worth $2. LOL! But there are I am sure several apps I will want to pay for as time goes by.

I am very excited my new red shoes seem to be breaking in well. I found out I can return my other defective shoes to a Hot Topic store directly, which is way cool. I think I will just be getting store credit. I like the shoes, but I think that after standing in them, I will have some troubles walking in them. So I would rather get something else.

That is good to know. Ken just checked in an apparently every single kid in daycare had the same flu. Not that I want that many kids to be sick, but it is nice that I know what it was. I was a little worried it was something else.

So much for my day going quickly. I swear, I have been busy all morning, yet it isn’t even noon yet. What the heck??!

Sick and more Sick

1-13-10

I am tired. I am grouchy. It was a long, long night.

The boys seemed fine when they went to bed. We had standard complaints. Dax claimed he was still hungry, despite polishing off 2 peanut butter sandwiches. Bobby said his stomach hurt, but he had been coughing pretty hard, so we thought nothing of it. I managed to get into bed at 8:30 and was dead asleep.

Then came chaos.

Ken woke me up, kind of shaking me a smidge. That first hour of sleep is the time when I am in a mini coma, so it is very hard to wake me. He mumbled something, which I think was throw up, and I followed blindly into Dax’s room. He had thrown up all over his bed and was crying. Ken pulled him from the bed and plopped him down in front of me so I could work on getting him out of his puke stained jammies. Ken got to work on salvaging any stuffed animals and pulling off the blankets and sheets.

I normally don’t gag when it comes to puke with the boys. I have even dealt with milk vomit, which is pretty freaking foul. But last night, it was peanut butter puke, which was tough.

I got Dax out of the jammies and into the tub to wash him off. He was so cold. It was sad. I got him into warm jammies and Ken got his bed back in order. He crawled back in and we hoped that was it.

Not even a little bit.

I was woken up again for more vomit and Dax. Luckily he didn’t get soaked in it this time. But his bedding was once again soiled, and we were starting to run out of more blankets. Poor kid was so tired, he was falling asleep on the floor while Ken was making his bed.

By this time I was not sleeping deep when I went back to bed. I slept the way I do when Ken isn’t home. Ken called me out and I wandered into the hallway assuming I would need to turn towards Dax’s room, but instead, it was Bobby. He had thrown up probably some time before we got in there and just had not called out. When he got up, he said he had to throw up again, so I ushered him into the bathroom, hoping we could get one puking incident into the proper receptacle. He cradled the toilet like a drunk frat boy, but never threw up. I finally convinced him to get into the shower so I could wash his hair, which was caked in the peanut butter nasty.

During his shower, I heard Ken running around, and then I heard Dax cry. Crap. Was he sick again? I peaked my head out and found out that the power had actually gone out. 3 times. Dax was scared the third time. Nothing like kicking us while we are down.

I got Bobby all dry and warm in fresh jammies when he burped and a new wave of throw up came up. Luckily we had a towel there and he managed to get it all on the towel, not on himself. Phew!

I crawled back into bed around 2:30. I slept light. A lot of that was because I heard Dax several times, who was just crying from wanting water to food. Also, the cats felt the need to start fights all night. I had to get up at 4:30.

Ken came to bed I think around 4. The boys had been settled for a while now. Ken doesn’t have classes today. He does have a dentist appt, but apparently that may not be a morning thing. I told him to call me if they seem off. I don’t want to send sick kids to daycare. I probably should have stayed home, but I guess I will just play it by ear. It is 6:30 now, and if Dax doesn’t sleep in (which he never does, even if he is exhausted), he will be up now. I am hoping Ken sends me updates.

I have some corrections to make since the chick here who annoyed the shit out of me yesterday did some of the work, and it looks like she fucked it up. I am going to work on that now and hopefully get it all done so I can walk out the door whenever.

cut

1-12-10


It was a good afternoon yesterday. I managed to leave work without having to deal with the boss aside from one phone call. Not too bad.

I worked out. I did a couple new exercises. Man am I sore! I am excited when I get this sore. It is proof I did something. Or I suppose proof I did something wrong, but it isn’t pain sore, it is satisfaction sore.

The boys and I cleaned up the back yard and Dax’s room. Bobby played some Wii. I tossed the ball for the dogs. All in all pretty standard.

While Bobby was in the shower, he tells me all of the sudden to cut his hair. I wasn’t going to question it. I grabbed scissors and took off a few more inches. It is now right below his ears, with his bangs pretty much being the same length. I don’t know how good a job I did. I will see this afternoon once it is dry. He moved around a bit during key cuts and let’s face it, I am not a hair stylist. At this point, I think that he doesn’t need to cut it anymore. It is short enough that brushing won’t be a problem, which is all I care. So we will see how this works out.

I was disturbed as we watched Futurama on live tv when Bobby was inspired by a commercial. It is bad when the kids see a commercial for some toy and declare they want this for their birthday. What is worse is when Bobby sees an ad for Unisom and says to me, “Hey mom! You should get that for me so I can fall asleep right away!” Not good.

I had been complaining that I needed a new calendar and my State Farm agent came through! We received a 2010 calendar in the mail yesterday from them. I assumed it would just be pictures of nice houses or something. But the cover said it was personalized. I didn’t know what this meant, and I wondered if perhaps they had pictures of us I wasn’t aware of. Instead, every month’s picture has Ken & Gena Brenan in the scene. And not just printed out. It is part of the scene. January has a beautiful snowy park with two trees in the foreground and it looks like our names are carved into the tree. In July, there is a picture of the Space Shuttle with Ken & Gena Brenan spelled out in stars. It is perfect!

I got to watch a new HIMYM last night. Yay! NPH sings and dances in a full musical number. I was in heaven.

Ken got me a box of hair dye that is significantly lighter than my mess right now. It is also the good brand he had gotten me before that rocked. Now I have to decide if I am brave enough to mess with my hair again. I looked it up, and it has been 4 weeks this Thursday since I did it last. I will give one thing to Nice and Easy. Their hair color lasts and lasts. Hell, I have been asked several times if I made it even darker. Wonderful, so my hair is getting even worse! I almost feel like I should get a blond shade from the good brand as it will then possibly make my hair lighter. Then again, something that harsh may make it worse. I wonder how much it costs to go to a salon.

I am still unsure of this red lipstick Bobby picked out. I was told yesterday it looks good on me, but I am unconvinced. I worry I look like a clown. Today I have on a red shirt that I think tones down the red on my lips, so we will see how that goes.

A man just left me a message on my VM at work and I swear, he sounded just like Christopher Walkin.

Maryann’s mom’s birthday is today. She is pretty upset this morning. It will undoubtedly be a rough day for her. We spent some time this morning talking a bit. I am really crappy at support. I don’t know that I ever say the right things. I ended up showing her some pictures of the boys, which always seems to cheer her up. She adores those kids, so I am glad I could get her mind off of things, if only for a few minutes. I am shocked she is here, and I kind of hope she goes home and hangs out with her sister. I think that might be a better way to spend the first birthday after her passing. Then again, she wants to be around people. I don’t blame her. I don’t know grief the same way she does. Not just have I not been in the position of losing my mother, nobody faces grief the same way. I am not looking forward to seeing how I will deal.

Let's power through the evil that is work

1-11-10

Nothing like a Monday morning to irritate me to my very soul. It is nothing worth even venting about anymore. Once again I am frustrated with the boss and several of the idiot people he has working for him. I don’t trust any of them and now I am at a point where I don’t even want to look at them. I am sure this will pass, but for now, I just need to lay low.

Luckily my weekend rocked so I am going to try and live off of those fumes.

Saturday morning the boys and I set out to see Matt get his hair cut. We got there when it opened, which was 8:30. Matt got to go first since, well, there was no one else there! I explained to the hair cut lady that my boys were simply shadowing the process so that there would be less fear when they opted to do their own hair cutting experience. She didn’t look amused. She didn’t look happy. Heck, she looked like she wanted to take the scissors to her own throat. I am trying to say, she was not a happy person.

Bobby asked questions, which I had encouraged him to do. I answered everything, while Dax just danced around, unable to sit still for more than 8 seconds at a time. The hair cut lady only smiled when we went back with Matt to get his hair washed.

The only problem with the experience was that we walked out of there at 8:40. Yes, that’s right. The entire thing took all of 10 minutes. What was especially amusing about this was that the night before my dad had asked him what time he usually got out of the haircut store if he got in at 8:30. He replied, “8:40”. We of course thought he was full of shit, and my dad pretty much told him this. I made sure to call my dad later to tell him that he owed Matt an apology.

Outside the place before we left, I tried to talk to Bobby about the whole thing, trying to feel him out on his thoughts on the thing. Matt was much too pushy, so it was impossible. I found out later that Matt really wants him to get it done at that location and that he would pay for it. I can assure you, Matt will not be making any decisions on my son’s hair cut, nor will he be providing any funds for it.

Bobby still was nervous about it. Not having shorter hair, but certainly the process. We talked about it on the way home and we discussed having a hair cut party, complete with gobs of people there and even some kind of fun gathering afterwards. Not sure if or when this would occur, but stay tuned for how the hair will go.

We got home even before Ken left for his presentation at the Adventure Plex. He headed out and I got to work on some cleaning. I didn’t do gobs. I just got their rooms in order and did some kitchen and yard work.

Stephanie and Sabrina came by late morning, and the kids played for a while. Ken came back and left again to go play at Chris’s house. It was good since it allowed for Stephanie and I to visit and chit chat. I showed her the Wii, and the kids exchanged Christmas presents. I don’t even know what time they left since it was such a fun morning and visit!

Instead of bothering with a nap, I just had the boys do quiet time with a movie. They were super pleasant. Ken came home and then took the boys out front to ride bikes while I cooked lasagna.

Chris came over for dinner and Star Wars Lego. The boys played, too, Dax helping Ken, and Bobby helping Chris. I was super impressed with Chris in how incredibly patient hew was with the boys. He actually seemed to enjoy hanging out with them, which now makes him allowed to come over whenever.

The boys went to bed shockingly easy, and Ken and Chris were able to play for a while without their shadows. I played on the computer for a while and attempted to read my Russell Brand book, which is quite difficult when you have had some wine. LOL!

Sunday was the standard of bowling, and we needed some things at Target. Everyone was pleasant and cheerful. When we got home, the boys played for a while, then we did lunch and watched the new Transformers movie. They were fixated on the screen for at least the first 90 minutes. They got a little restless, and Dax ended up volunteering to go to nap early. Bobby stuck it out to the end, and both of them had a pretty long, good nap.

One up, we went over to Lincoln School/Anderson Park with their bikes to let them ride around the giant school yard. I brought my skates and determined that my legs are no longer used to skating. My shins were dying within 3 minutes. On the up side, I managed to not fall and break anything. Yay! We rode around for a while, I did quite a big of jogging, mostly to take video and pictures. Plus, it is hard to keep up otherwise. LOL! We ended up going over to the playground where they played for about an hour. It was nice! I managed to not follow them around all over. Ken took on the task, specifically because it seemed to be a very Daddy-centric park last night. We headed home around sundown.

Bobby had a small melt down when it was decided they could watch Blue’s Clues, not Ken playing the video game. I took him to bed, kicking and screaming. He kicked me while in bed because he was so upset. He tried bargaining and reasoning, but it was already too late. I sat and talked with him for a while, and Ken came in and did the same thing. Luckily between the two of us, we calmed him down and hopefully put the idea in his head that being upset is totally ok. It is how we act on being upset. We told him for the future that he should go ahead and just walk into his room, close the door and scream a bunch when he is upset. Then he could come out when he was better. I don’t know that he will do it, but I think with some guidance, we will be able to get him into a better position to be able to get out his anger or frustration in a more healthy way.

Ken got Luna a shock collar. It has already made things 100% better. A few shocks later, she stays in her basket, she doesn’t whine and bark as much, and because of this, it has been so much more fun for everyone. She has got to be inside more, and honestly, even though yes I like them having their baskets to be in, I don’t really care if they are sitting at my feet while we watch a show. As long as they know they have rules, I am happy.

While we were at Target, Bobby and I were over in the makeup aisle looking for some foundation for me. I happened to stop at the lipstick, always looking for the correct lip stain shade. Bobby then points out a red that he feels I should have. He of course explained that he loved the color red, so it would be cool if I wore red lips. I liked the logic, and the color was actually pretty cool. He then asked me, “Mom, why is lipstick not for boys?” Look, aside from my love of guyliner, I really am not big on things that are only for girls or only for boys. I don’t want the kid to wear lipstick, mostly because knowing him he would hate the feel or taste of it. But I wanted to make sure he understood that I personally would have no problem with him wearing lipstick. I told him that most people would not understand and that yes, mostly girls wore it, but he was more than welcome to it (mind you, he didn’t want to wear it. He told me so, but I wanted the option to be allowed). Ken wasn’t keen on my answer. I am sure it is more out of protecting his offspring from getting his ass kicked on the school yard. Look, I can tell you right now, if Bobby was going to get his ass kicked, it could happen over many things. Kids are assholes. They will find a flaw and run with it. But wouldn’t it be better for our children to let them know they have choices and to just let them know the consequences rather than make all of those choices for them? If Bobby wanted to wear lipstick, I would let him know there was a strong possibility that people would tease him. Just as we have explained to him having long hair causes tangles. His choice to keep it long means he cannot cry and scream when I brush his hair or else I will need to cut it since I don’t want to deal with that. That is the consequence his choice has. No, I don’t plan on “turning him gay” or anything. I know that isn’t even possible (nor would I want anyone to “turn” since that is just rude to make someone they are not). But I want him to have answers from his mother to be real answers from how his mother sees society. Why in the world should I change myself to be a mom? I am not going to force him to go to church because the bulk of society believes. I will however always offer him education in any spirituality because I think it is right to let him come up with his own answers on faith. I won’ t have him conform just to conform. Sure, he may need to tone down some things in order to avoid negative consequences he might not be able to handle. But if my kid thinks he can avoid a fight because of what he wears, then more power to him.

I am rambling.

Had another death talk with the boys when we passed 2 squished skunks on the road. I had to explain to both of them that even if their mom and dad died, they would still always have a mom and dad. I can assure you, this talk is not fun, especially before 7 am without having had a real change to wake up.

I have been swamped all morning. I kind of am happy since I didn’t realize I had lost 2 whole hours in all of it! YAY! Hopefully my day will go quickly.

I am using Hello Kitty spray this morning. I got it in the clearance items at Target from Christmas attached to a little retarded looking Hello Kitty. They are basic smells. Cherry, Vanilla and Mint. It is apparently training for young girls to start wearing perfume. They smell like I rubbed a hard candy on my arm, which it kind of fun. They don’t last long and they are slightly sticky when you spray them, but they make me feel young, so I kind of like them.

Stephanie has decided that she would like to do monthly movie nights with just girls. I am so excited! It would be one of those things where each woman who went would take a turn hosting. If we have a good number, it means we don’t have to host too much. I am jazzed. It means I will get out, meet some new people and have some good times. I of course can ask some of my girlfriends to see if they would want to participate. I am thinking of asking Alyssa since I know she would so be game. Plus, it is a good excuse to be able to see her more often. I am anxious to see when this starts. I know Stephanie wants to be able to do it for sure since her hubby actually suggested that it would never happen. I understand the need to prove the husband wrong! LOL!