emotional roller coaster

6-27-11




My weekend was filled with so many emotions. I find myself exhausted and ill this morning.



Thursday afternoon, Ken and I helped out with Bobby’s end of year party. This may have been some of the most fun I had with the class. I got to spend time with small groups of his classmates since I was at the bead station. Ken chose poorly if only because he was outside in the hot sun at the parachute station. LOL! The kids got to do a lot of cool things, and even Dax got to play.



Friday was bittersweet as I watched Bobby get his perfect attendance award, and then not long after, we would be signing him out of kindergarten, for the last time!!



My sadness was quickly overrun with frustration since both boys decided to work my last nerve all day with everything from fighting to whining to you name it, they did it. Let’s put it this way; when we went to my parents’ house for dinner, I brought wine.



This brings us to Saturday. I wonder if my nerves were weak on Friday because of the memorial service the next day.



We packed up gobs of toys for the boys along with other goodies for them. I was determined to not have them go crazy. My parents were also going, which worked out well for the boys and my mom since they kept each other company.



We got there a little early, but I recognized Sandra and Elizabeth right away. It was a small pizza place, and it looked like we would have the place mostly to ourselves. The cyclists that were riding in honor of Doug were still out on their ride.



My folks were only about 5 minutes behind us, which was great since I could let my dad take the lead on talking to folks and my mom and the boys were covered.



Sandra presented me with a bag which contained two small carved bears. One was a polar bear carved out of bone that Doug had gotten on some trip to Alaska. It was carved by Eskimos. The other was a bear carved out of coal. Sandra told me these were two of his most prized possessions. I was incredibly touched.



She also told me that she had much of Doug’s Star Wars collection for the boys. Doug apparently had told her about how much the boys loved Star Wars and it was only fitting to present these well loved toys to two kids who would love them, too. I have to say, as I went though them later when we got home, I could truly feel the 8 year old boy who would have been playing with these figures. He even saved the packaging, even after you could see where he cut out the UPC codes that were undoubtedly sent away for the Boba Fett that was in the collection.



My quarter uncle by divorce showed up. This is Doug’s uncle, Sandra’s brother. He is an interesting bloke. He coached my soccer team back in the day, and he was one of the driving forces to get me on the team at Costa. I walked up to him, and you could tell he had no clue who I was. In all fairness, I look NOTHING like how I used to. Last he saw me, I was thin, with a pony tail in my natural color, and well, 10. LOL! He tried hard to not say that he didn’t recognize me simply due to the fact that I was now 6 of the people I was when he last saw me. Either way, he was still the same idiot I remember him to be. He said that this was probably the most I ever spoke to him. I guess this is proof as to how shy I was back in the day.



I also got to me Doug’s ex step dad. He is awesome. Ken is his name, and he was jovial, sweet, kind, and truly, I could understand why Doug was still so close to him. Ken’s wife, Cheryl, was also there. She was a complete delight. Turns out, she used to work for much of her career at Halldale! What are the odds???? She fell deeply in love with the boys, and it was incredibly nice talking to her.



Ken did make me blush. He had been one of the riders, so he didn’t show up for a bit. When he was introduced to me, he stopped, and told me how much Doug loved me. He said Doug spoke so highly of me and often. I was thoroughly embarrassed, touched, and pleased. It was amazing. He would go on to do this once again with me when he introduced his brother to me.



Sandra, Elizabeth and Ken all told me several times how much the boys and I meant to Doug. I felt bad again, my guilt rising to the surface. Sandra had not known that I talked to Doug on Friday. She told me how she understood my guilt since she had the same guilt having also spoken to him on Friday. Steve saw him a day or two before, and knew he was having an episode and was off most of his meds. We all knew, but as Ken (stepdad) pointed out, no one could have helped him unless we devoted ourselves 24/7, and that would not have even been feasible. He was incredibly rational and deep, I thought. Sandra also told me how she had spoken to a doctor that specializes in bipolar disorder last week. He said that based on Doug’s case, it is a wonder he didn’t do this a long time ago and said we were lucky to have had as much time as we did. Sandra said this brought her a ton of peace.



I found out only a little bit of information concerning the discovery of his body. It was on Monday. Steve and his wife found him. Sadly, this was not the first time Steve had discovered a body at this house. His father died in the same house of a heart attack. Steve said it would be hard for him to go back in there. When my dad asked him about it, apparently Steve was really broken up about it. However, I still get the impression that Steve has more guilt than anyone since he was unable to speak about Doug directly. When he was telling Ken (stepdad) about what took place, it always turned to how doctors are idiots and that prescriptions make no sense. I was frustrated about this, and Ken looked to be also, but we stuck with it, perhaps both looking for answers.



After most of the people headed out, there was talk of some of the people going up to the house. Ken (mine) asked me if I wanted to go. I said this sounded ok, and so we followed Sandra to the house in which Doug shot himself with a shotgun.



I did go in the room. I don’t know what I expected. I suppose in my gruesome mind, I wanted to see blood. I wanted to see evidence of what had occurred so that it would all be real to me. Instead, the room was very sterile. They had pulled up the floor boards and removed all evidence that anyone had ever killed themselves in there, let alone even lived in there. The boys were underfoot at the time, so I didn’t delve into there too much. Ken (mine) was surprised I didn’t take a minute. But honestly, I felt no spirit in there. I felt no evidence of his presence. Ken (mine) noted the scrape marks on the ceiling and told me later that you could tell where Doug had been sitting. I saw nothing but a remodel.



I chatted with Elizabeth some while we were at the house. Poor darlin is having a rough time with it. Even though they broke up, it wasn’t because she didn’t love him dearly. She seems still in shock and unsure of how to move forward. Thankfully we agreed to keep in touch, and perhaps through that connection, she can always have Doug close, and still be able to move on with her life.



Sandra gave me a few more items. One was the naval sweater belonging to Ray. She had it from back when she and my dad were still married. She also presented me with an old telephone that she and my dad had gotten on her first visit to Somerset to meet the Bowlby’s.



The best of these possessions was a cook book from 1892. This was a cook book Virg gave to Sandra when they were back there. It is the kind of present she would have NEVER given to my mom, let alone me. There is so great satisfaction in the idea that it still came to me. That’s right, suck it, Virg.



The book has not only recipes, but health remedies, how to care for a child and various other advice given in 1892. It is one of those fabulous items that I can’t wait to read though more.



We didn’t stay at the house too long. My boys were getting restless and honestly, I was spent. I couldn’t do anymore small talk. I couldn’t sit in the house anymore, wondering what other items he might have there that would have shed some light on his issues.



Our journey home was long. We took some back freeway that would end up dropping us off in San Luis Obispo. It was winding roads and filled with trees and idiot drivers who don’t understand how to let people pass on these sorts of highways. We listened to music, and iTty seemed to sense the mood so he hooked us up with gobs of old school tunes.



A few minutes after Ken said he and Greg had driven this highway before on one of their drives, an old Depeche Mode came on. It triggered random nostalgia and sadness. I can’t even explain it. It may have been brought on by my lack of flooding tears at the memorial. It may have been from the zoned out I was all day after a strange dream the night before. Either way, it was an interesting trip home.



Come Sunday, I was pleased to have nothing on tap. There was talk of seeing Green Lantern, but I just wanted to be left alone. I worked on pictures in the morning while Star Wars played and the boys played with the action figures. After this, I went outside for a while with the dogs and kittens and even went in the pool with the boys for a while. As I was chilling with Ken, watching the boys, Mike, our neighbor, came out and told us the boys needed to go play with the neighbor. Turned out, they had one of those water slide bounce houses set up. Ken went to check it out and they instantly said to him, “where are your boys?” So the boys spent about 2 plus hours on this thing. Ken calculated it out and found that Bobby (Dax had several breaks) had climbed the tallest building in the world with how many times he went up this thing. Needless to say, the boys were SPENT when they finally came home.



So was I. I didn’t hang out long with them all outside. I just didn’t have it in me to be social. I was able to go back to my house and work on dinner and other things. It was nice, actually.



I am at work, not happy about it. I feel icky and tired, and annoyed since my boss has come in like 2 hours early. I have 2 days worth of work to catch up on, and all I want to do is zone out. I am glad I get another 3 day weekend, one in which perhaps I can not be so sad.