still lost

6-20-11




Guilt is a powerful thing. It overtakes even the most logical of thinking. I can look at the facts. I can look at the situation, and I can say that my actions, had they been different, would not have stopped Doug from killing himself. But guilt can even make writing that last sentence hard.



When he chatted me Friday morning, I was unhappy at the timing. I knew he had been out of sorts, so when he sounded like he was needing to talk, I knew I didn’t have the time for it. I don’t just mean time in terms of the fact that I needed to get the boys ready for school, either. I was drained at this moment in terms of being therapist, and I didn’t know if I could listen to him right then and there. I wanted very badly to know what was going on with him, but Friday morning was not the time. I told him that I wanted to talk later. He seemed ok with this.



I should have suspected something was up based on what he was doing on Facebook all of Friday. Why didn’t I do anything? I know why. This came across as more of a cry for attention, not so much help. Looking at it now, it was neither, but it doesn’t take away from how I feel.



There is denial from Sandra and Steve. They think it is possible that this was an accident.



I keep going to the net, looking for, well, whatever. I want to be able to find some kind of information. I don’t know what I expect to find. I also keep going to his FB page. There is nothing there.



Sandra has something for me. I don’t know what it is. She also wants to talk to me, but she isn’t ready yet. My dad is driving out to talk to her today. I worry for him going by himself if only because I have a feeling it is going to be a very dark and sad ride home.



The memorial is Saturday. In what sounds more like an AYSO after game party, we are having this memorial at a pizza parlor. There is a bike ride scheduled for this event, but other than that, I have very little details. With my dad going and talking to Sandra today, I hope that he gets more information.