Sorry, Ken

7-13-09

Wow, I have not written in a while.

It has been a crazy couple of days. Dax has battled this fever off and on since I guess Wednesday. He will fever, then it will break for a while, then come back with force. In the mornings, he seems bright eyed and bushy tailed. Thursday was his worst day since in the morning, he was yucky most of the day, but even that day he had a chunk of time where I was sure he was Feris Buelering me. But then after every nap, he wakes up hot, cranky, and he is out of sorts the rest of the day. As if that isn’t bad enough, he doesn’t want to eat, and he sleeps poorly overnight. I thought he was better Friday since he played at my folks ok, and we went out for pancakes. He ate very little, and was up all night.

On Saturday we went to the zoo, where once again, he started ok, but as the day progressed, he got worse. He was tired, feverish, and didn’t want to eat despite clearly being hungry. He napped for a long time when we got home, and I had Ken get him up. We put him in the pool to cool him off. He was pissed, but he seemed to get over it. Once again, he barely ate.

That night was hell. I had insomnia on Friday night, so I was freakishly tired come Saturday night. I turned over to sleep around 11:30. Bobby had already come out at this point, and for the next 4 hours, each kid came out 3 or 4 times. At about 2, I went into Dax’s room and curled up with him to helpfully get him to sleep. He did in fact sleep, and he didn’t get up again until about 6:30. We did not go bowling. I wasn’t about to get the boys up with zero sleep. Bobby slept till almost 9.

Yesterday was rough. We went grocery shopping, and in the afternoon, we played in the pool. But my brain has been so off since about Friday at noon. I had come home early on Friday because I was feeling so exhausted. And I had not even begun to feel tired.

Last night I did get up with Dax when Ken nudged me at 2. I had not slept well up to that point, and those last two hours were almost pointless. Ken mentioned taking him to the doc today, but I don’t know that we need to do that. I think he is fighting some kind of bug and we just need to wait it out a bit. We will see how today goes.

I don’t even know what I just wrote. I am so tired.

I am going to suck it up. I have three weeks of full work, then I have a week off. Yay!

Bobby tells Ken last night that he doesn’t have a teddy bear and that he upset about this. Ken told him that maybe for his birthday we can get him one. Bobby tells him that “his heart is crying” because he doesn’t have a bear. Oh. My. God. He is too much! Ken tells this to me and I point out that he in fact has the kick ass Carter’s bear I got him forever ago. He goes and gets it for Bobby, and he was pleased. He even called Ken back in and asked very concerned if Dax has a teddy bear. Ken pointed out that he has Jo Jo (this bear’s name was dubbed Bo Bo a while back) and so Bobby wanted to know if Bo Bo and Jo Jo could play together. That kid is funny.

I had a bit of crazy on Saturday. Ken and I have gone stupid over this game Farm Town on Facebook. You get points for harvesting someone else’s field, so often we will log onto one computer as ourselves, and on another as the other one. That way we can hire our characters and get harvests done quickly while giving each other maximum points. It is nice since sometimes I might not be home or vice versa, but we keep an eye on each other’s farm. The problem is, we also are logging into each other’s Facebook. This means that for that minute that Farm Town is loading up, I can see Ken’s wall. I can see what his friends have written in the news feed. We have a good chunk of the same friends, so sometimes I look since that way I see what they had to say on the faster machine instead of looking at them on the laptop. I looked on Saturday to see the status of Beth Green.

I truly don’t care that he is friends with his ex wife. If he truly wants to still have that horrid beast in his life, that is his problem. As long as she doesn’t come to my house, we are good. My problem comes from me not knowing.

Some time back, I had come across the fact that she had a page. I was actually looking through another person’s friends looking for Earthlink folks and there she was. I laughed, and was shocked that she had not friend requested Ken as of yet. I mentioned it to Ken, and he indicated he did not have any desire to “friend” her. I told him I didn’t mind, but I just wanted to know. I am one of those freaks that likes to know too much info. He assured me that if Beth got in touch with him in any form, even something as simplistic as a friend request, that he would let me know.

To see her name there on his page meant that the simple did happen. Someone requested someone as a friend, and I was never told.

Ken was sitting next to me at the time when I said, “so you are friends with Beth?” He looked genuinely shocked. He did not know he had friended her. I still don’t know how this came about. He said it must have been recent, perhaps when he had checked out her link when I mentioned it. I was annoyed since let’s face it, it isn’t like you don’t know when you friend request someone, and it is pretty obvious when you accept someone’s friend request. He made it worse my mentioning that he was friends with her on MySpace, which I also was not aware of.

When you get right down to it, this is where is should have probably ended. He had poor judgment in assuming I knew, and if he truly didn’t realize he friended her, then that is just straight up stupid, but not criminal. We all make mistakes, and hopefully in the future, he will be better about being more forthright with his contacts with exes. Unfortunately, I was suffering from sleep deprivation, and a huge case of, wow, he has sure been talking to a lot of chicks he used to fuck.

This is of course the one issue with Facebook that gets addressed more and more often. At which point are you supposed to just not talk to folks in your past? I like to think that I don’t have a problem with who we talk to in our past. In all fairness, I am “friends” with both my exes, and with all the people I have slept with. Sure, it is a small number, but I would imagine that isn’t happy making for Ken. But he is a good sport about it. Ken recently has become friends with this one chick from ages ago that he slept with. He had chatted with her a bit. Nothing noteworthy. Both of them are happily married with kids, so it isn’t like Ken is looking to hook up with her. He is also friends with another girl he slept with that I am fine with. But I have to say, there is always this concern that he might talk to someone that he wishes he hadn’t let go.

Beth, as crazy as this is, is one of those folks. Oh, and don’t even get me started if he found Toni. I might actually have to spend the weekend in a mental ward if he friended her (and this would be if he told me! If he didn’t and I found out, let’s just say suicide watch, people). But Beth, well, there is a funky history there. I wronged her, she wronged me, and truthfully, I think she is straight up crazy. I truly think she is the crazy fatal attraction type. I don’t want to find Monarch in a pot of boiling water.

Sure, she is engaged (I think if memory serves, this is husband number 4 and she is like 36) and technically happy, yet I never believe any of that. I don’t know that she has ever been truly happy with any of the dudes she has been with before or after Ken. Not to say that Ken made her happy, but there was that obsession factor. I recognize it having had aspects of it with Greg. For so long, I wanted him to remember me fondly and I wanted to have meant something to him. I really only got some closure on that a couple years ago. Not saying that I was in love with him or wanting to get back with him, but there was a need on my part to know I mattered. I think that Beth is still looking for that confirmation from Ken, and no matter now many times Ken has confirmed that she means something, she hasn’t understood.

The other problem I have is that Ken tends to defend her without even realizing it. It was a problem we had early in our relationship when Beth was still a large part of his life. He doesn’t tend to speak ill of her, and in an uncharacteristic move on his part, he actually tries to silence some of my hate. Normally, if I am ranting about someone, he laughs and even will throw some fuel on the fire. With Beth, it is a much more quiet interaction, and I detect even some nervousness on his part. I know I am probably reading into it wrong, but this is where my own crazy begins.

I freak out when he isn’t forthcoming with information. It is my biggest pet peeve with people when they don’t tell me themselves and that I have to find it out from someone else.

I also still just have loads of insecurity. I know, I have been with Ken for 13 years. He and I are happy and he clearly still is in to me. So what do I have to make me insecure? It is a lot of things, actually.

My looks are something that mess with me. I don’t think I am attractive. Sure, I will have days that I think I look passable, but I can safely say that I have never thought that I was all that attractive. Even thin. It isn’t just a fat thing. It is a, I don’t think I have that pretty of a face. I will say that I do mostly like my hair, but even then, it drives me batty.

So when Ken is talking to someone who is this cute little thing (Beth isn’t drop dead, but she is this little tiny thing with gorgeous eyes) with whom he had a 5 year relationship with, I can safely say I will probably falter a smidge. And just because she gives crazy a bad name, it doesn’t mean she isn’t fuckable.

Here is some insight to my crazy head.

Early in my relationship with Ken, I was at his apartment. We were watching tv when Ken got yet another page from Beth. She would page him 24/7 with 911 because she needed to talk to him. So he called her back and it sounded as though she was having problems with her then boyfriend. Fine, chat it up, I don’t care. I continued to watch the show with Ken sitting on the floor in front of me while I laid on the couch. I only heard bits and pieces of the conversation when it clearly was no longer about her and her beau. It was now the two of them talking about their relationship. Ken said to her that he did in fact miss the sex with her. He said that it was the best thing about their relationship. I froze. I must have misheard him. He wasn’t really chatting it up with his ex wife about their sex while sitting in front of his new girlfriend, was he??? The conversation went on, and I can safely say I don’t remember any of it. I was in shock. I was sick to my stomach. I didn’t want to storm out while he was on the phone with her as it would mean she had won. I sat staring at the back of his head for a period of time that seemed like an eternity. I struggled to keep my sobs to myself.

The fight that occurred when he hung up the phone was really mostly me yelling through tears. He kept trying to explain that he wasn’t saying he wanted to get with her, that he was just trying to be a good friend and reassure her that she was attractive and shit like that. The conversation with her that night undoubtedly led to the sequel to this fight in which included her accusing him (to me) of propositioning her for sex. No joke. And even though I don’t think that he truly was saying that he would rather be with her and not me, and I don’t think he did ask her to have sex with him, my inside crazy doesn’t always stay in her cage. So when I see her being friends with Ken without my knowledge, I freak, assuming that even though I didn’t hear a repeat of the above conversation, that it did occur and it is only a matter of time before she shows up on my doorstep expecting to find Ken at her disposal. I also expect that he will justify her actions.

This isn’t something to fault Ken on. Sure, he screwed up with not communicating with me. But my crazy goes over the top. On Saturday I told him that my thoughts don’t stop at him just having sex with Beth. I then assume that when he is working late that he is actually hooking up with one of his employees. I have to admit, there is something else that fuels that, but I won’t get into that right now.

So even though apologies were given, and understanding achieved, I am still wounded this morning. My self confidence is not bullet proof. Plus, it takes just a paper cut to really injure me. And this kind of hit messes with me a lot. Take for instance right now. It is 8:41 and Ken normally has called me my now with his morning check in. I know that he probably just forgot his phone. But my inner crazy is chomping at the bit with tales of infidelity or even him being mad at me over something. Like I said, she is in a cage, but it isn’t like she can’t shout through the bars.

I am shockingly better after I write all of this out. It allows me to see what I am thinking with a more logical eye. Regardless of whether or not he should have told me about Beth’s friend request, despite not being aware of it, isn’t really the issue. It is my own demons that make me struggle to just be confident in where I am.

Maybe also I need to just be ok with not being ok with stuff. I want so badly to be ok with Ken being friends with an ex, but maybe I don’t need to be. Sure, it is hypocritical of me since I am friends with my exes, but sometimes that is just how things are.

We did get past the crazy. I still have my aftershocks internally for a while, but the actual quake cleanup went fine. I actually tried to hold it all in for a while, trying to not just flip out at him. I wanted to be more rational. I wanted to make sure that I thought it through before I just started yelling. I also wanted to make sure I knew what I was really mad at. Was it the friendship with Beth, or was it the way I found out? Of course, he pointed out that clearly he isn’t keeping anything from me since I can log into his FB. He is right about that. It is also possible that he didn’t think it a big deal, truthfully forgot it occurred, and didn’t think to mention it to me. Guys do that. Who knows, maybe the inner guy in him told him to not tell since he knows that most chicks get pissed at said information, so keeping it would keep me from flipping out when it reality I still flipped out. LOL! There is truth to that. I mean, for all I know, I might have flipped out at her requesting him. I might have flipped out more at him requesting her. I don’t know.

And thinking about it, I think the last significant communication I am aware of between the two of them happened like 11 years ago. It had to have been right before I left Earthlink. Seems silly for me to get so worked up. Then again, you can tell she really fucked with my head for me to have such a strong reaction this long after.

In all honesty, I don’t have a problem with the one chick he talks to that he dated back in high school. I think it is cool, and who knows, perhaps they both get to know that there are no hard feelings and they can both be grownups about things. I guess I don’t think Beth can be a grownup.

Ok, so the Toni thing would really freak me out. Luckily, he says he can’t remember her last name, but who knows, she might remember his. I have this unrealistic image of her in my head. The AM/PM commercial in which the dude is sitting on the curb in front of the AM/PM eating a hot dog and the chick coming up saying she thought he was jogging. “I got hot!” he replies, to which she says, “After three blocks?” One of those commercials that always made me laugh. Ken tells me the chick looked like Toni, and for all he knew, it was her since she was an actress. We watched an episode of How I Met Your Mother where they kept pointing out each others flaws, to which there was a sound of glass breaking since the others had not noticed it until that very moment and now were annoyed that their attention was brought to it. I heard that glass when he said that. Now when I saw that commercial, all I saw was this broad he dated right before me, that he had said was a relationship that only broke up because she was moving to England. Of course, there was more to it, but my crazy head only hears that part. If she hadn’t moved, he would still be with the hottie and not me. Because I never met her, or even seen a real picture, she is the focal point of all of my freakout on jealousy. With Beth, if he is stupid enough to hook up with that over me, then he is a fucking tard. If he hooks up with Toni, then it makes sense. All I know is that she is hot. I know nothing else. I don’t even know how they met. He may have told me, but my mind has built up this image of perfection and that they saw each other across a crowded room and hooked up that second. Did I mention the inner crazy lady in the cage had an outstanding imagination?

So yes, if he friended her, I would flip.

Beth, well, let’s face it, he has no reason to keep in touch with her. They don’t have kids. They were hardly friends. It was a bad relationship all around. I suppose they probably had some good times. It hardly seems fair for me to judge what they had. Yet I do.

I just wish I knew if he really didn’t tell me. He says he thought I knew about MySpace. Did I? I like to think I have a pretty good memory. I think I would have known if he told me they were friends on MySpace. Ken knows I have a good memory. So why was he so insistent that I was wrong on this one? Was I being that crazy?

Ok, I am going to get away from all of this. I think I may be perpetuating the crazy. I am still upset that I didn’t know. But truly, it is now in the past, so I kind of have to let it go. Otherwise I will just drive myself crazy with every text he gets, or every person he chats with on FB. What good does that do? I trust him, I just wish that he would have a better memory.

I am tired, I am spent. It isn’t even 10:30, and it feels like I have been here a week. My reports didn’t work, so I can’t do them. It is re-running, but they won’t be done till after noon.

I still have not heard from Ken. Even if he forgot his phone, he tends to use someone else’s to send me a text that he is alive. I will try not to freak out.

We watched the rest of HIMYM over the weekend. Season 4, last year’s season, isn’t out on DVD until September. A week after the new season starts. So at this point, we are probably just going to rent it then, power through it, and we can start watching the new ones as they air. Very fun. I am enjoying it quite a bit. It truly does keep getting funnier.

My friend just came over and told me the sun doesn’t like me. I didn’t realize I was sunburned. I don’t think it is that bad, if at all. Kind of bothers me that I look like crap. It is time to really bust out the sun block for me.

Ken got me two wallets. They had this one on clearance at Target for $7 that I decided not to get because I wasn’t truly in the market for it. Ken had to go by Target the next day, and I told him to pick it up if it was there since, really, it is smaller than the one I have and it might help me reduce crap in my purse. They didn’t have it there, but when he went by another, he got that one for me, along with one that is a wallet/purse combo. Way cool. I wish I had gotten the purse I saw since it has not been at any of the subsequent Targets. Oh well.

I must be tired. It took all of my strength to explain to someone how to pay this invoice that started off at one lump sum of $5K, that they paid for $1500 of the invoice (one item) and since they requested the remaining item to be billed out as 3 equals, that the entire invoice was rebilled at three equals, including the item paid. The money for item paid is open on account, and portions of it will be applied to the short payments on each payment. Truly, this all would not be a problem if we were allowed to make partials like we used to.

Bobby’s underwater achievements hit a milestone. He goes under water on his own, but not for long. Ken let him wear a mask and that kid was practically swimming underwater he loved it so much! It was awesome! I was impressed at how comfortable he was with it. And truly, it didn’t take much coaxing if any to get him to wear the mask. He loved it before he even put it on!

Dax, despite his sick, has been good about the potty training. He did have a couple of significant accidents, but I blame pooting. That would be poo coming out with a toot. Once really was only some skid marks on the undies. But one occurred when they were in the tub. Bobby calmly calls me in and points to a piece of floating poot. Oops. Luckily, it wasn’t too bad. But I have been impressed that Dax despite feeling yucky, has continued to insist on using the potty. He loves his underwear, and knows not to pee or poop in them. Yesterday, he even held the pee in the pool, so this was awesome. As much as I understand they are more pricey, we may need to put him in pull-ups and not diapers. It will help him understand that he has reached big boy status. Also, when we go out, if we are not feeling brave, it is so much easier to pull those down. I need to talk to Ken about this. He has been much more adamant about diapers.

We are doing a Costco run either tonight or tomorrow. The factor of it being tonight or tomorrow depends on how Dax feels this afternoon. Ken thinks perhaps a doctor visit is a good plan. I really wish I had spoken to him this morning since I would have a better idea how Dax was so I could have made the appt already. Now, I will need to wait until I get home and pick him up to know. I suppose it doesn’t hurt to have him see the doc. However, his fever has never been at alarming levels, and since despite some bouts of cranky and lack of appetite in the evening, there is nothing indicating serious illness. Look, when I don’t see a need to see the doc, that tells you something. I am the first person to rush the kids to the doc if it seems serious enough. Besides, with my no hospital rule for this year, wouldn’t it make sense for me to hit up the doc when needed to make sure that nothing escalated into a hospital visit?

I am so sorry to those of you actually reading up until page 8 this morning. But in all fairness, I tend to write like 4 pages a day, and I haven’t written in 4, so if anything, I am slacking!

This co worker of mine is such the diva. She walks around like her shit don’t stink, and makes a huge deal out of things when she was wronged. What she also does is make sure people know when they don’t follow procedure when it comes to stuff we have to give to her. If we forget to dot our I’s, she calls us out on it. So just now she brings me a spread to do, and I point out that she forgot to fill it out completely. She gets all in a huff saying that she doesn’t remember us changing those rules. I found the email that was sent. She just never bothered to read it. It is the same email that has the new form that she claimed she never got. It means she thinks she is above all of this. I have not given it back to her. I told her it was wrong (she sits in the cube next to me so I shouted over), and she can come get it. I wonder if she thinks I will fix it. LOL!

My wrist has been sore since yesterday. I think I messed it up during swimming and computer use. Did I already say all this? I don’t know, so I can safely say it is time to stop the blog.