Discouraging news. Ken and I stopped by the YDP people yesterday before picking up the boys. It turns out that the YDP program is not something in which we can just leave the boys for an hour. They have to stay for several. It is a whole structure in which they do homework, have recess, have a snack, etc. It is funded by some grant, and if we don’t leave the kid in there long enough, they don’t get funding. As if that wasn’t bad enough, they don’t have any openings, and there is a long waiting list. The other afterschool program is only available when they hit 2nd grade.
Fuck.
My whole hopes to work out for that half an hour are not going to happen after work. I will have to come up with a new plan. It may mean working out during lunch here. Ken has discussed possibly some of the days in the week he can get the boys, and on those days I will use the gym here. Plus, when I speak to the trainer, I am going to let him know that I have access to a Bowflex since I can use that twice a week. I am sure he can come up with something, and I will just have to find 30 minutes to do this workout. I can do it. I just can’t do it the way I had hoped.
This information certainly tainted my mood for the rest of the afternoon. I was vulnerable. It was silly, but it was there.
We had to go to JC Penny’s to get Dax some new shoes. When outside the mall, Ken and I spat about where it was located. I was frustrated, and at one point the boys asked me why I was mad. I said I wasn’t mad, and then Ken snipped, “Yes you are!” Not helping! LOL!
JC Penny’s had cheap shoes. I have a gift card, but still, it was nice to find shoes only $15. I also found a purse. I didn’t need one, accept I was using a different one since Ittles thought it would be cool to piss on my Muppet bag. Bitch. This new purse seems like a grownup’s purse, sort of. It also cost more than I normally spend on a bag. But Ken convinced me to get it and splurge on myself. I like it, and hopefully it continues to be practical and cute at the same time.
My dreams started fun and kooky. I was a character on Glee. Mr. Shue had decided that because his girlfriend, Emma, was pregnant, that he was going to leave the Glee club for a while and decided to put me in charge. At first, I thought he was kicking me out, but he told me about being in charge, so that was cool. The theme of the week would be Erasure. I was excited, and spent a great deal of time singing A Little Respect, despite being sure this was not the right song for the episode. At one point, Quinn and I went to the doctor. It was here where the episode turned grim. I was told that I could not have anymore children. I found myself in some strange apartment, and in the bathroom, washing my face over and over. I was wearing a robe and my hair was all messy. It was at this point that Robbie came in.
She hugged me, but I was silent. I really felt numb at this point. She laughed a bit, and tried to cheer me. I was sitting at a table, and she asked me how I felt. I couldn’t elaborate, so I remained silent. She got mad. She pointed out that she had come a long way to talk to me, and here I was being quiet. She left, and yet I couldn’t do much about it. I was so frozen in my grief. The alarm was the only thing that broke me free.
My next clothing purchase needs to be bras. The one I am wearing is really my ‘best’ one, but it isn’t great. I need one with a low back and one that really boosts up the ladies. My boobs have started to really shrink and get bloppy, which is not cool when I am lying down, but it is what it is. I had Ken take some naked pics of me so that I could compare them later when I lose more weight. I have not looked at the ones he took last night since I think it will only be discouraging right now. I need to see some differences.
I took the time to upload Hooker and Doughboy on Youtube last night. Wow, Angela and I were total dorks. And man, was I a bitchy ham. Good thing I never went into showbiz. I would have been a diva.
Tonight Brandy and I are going out to see Conner who was suffering from MRSA. It has been some time since I saw him last. Should be an interesting evening.
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