For the love of a child

5-22-09

Two of the big stories this week have been about two moms who have gone to extraordinary measures to keep their children away from reasonable, proper medical care. You have got to wonder what these women are thinking. One is somewhere in Mexico, looking for alternative medicine to help with her son’s cancer because she, and supposedly her son, both don’t want to continue with chemotherapy. The other, a mom with a 14 year old son who is, wait for it, 500 pounds. The authorities are after her because they feel that this unhealthy weight is her fault and want to get this child some real help.

When I heard both stories, I found myself torn. On one end, there is the feeling of camaraderie with these mothers. Despite their ignorance in terms of what it best for their offspring, they do love their kids. Think of it this way, if they truly didn’t care, wouldn’t it just be easier to give the kids to the police, let them deal with the health issues and be done with it? The woman whose child is dying from cancer has indicated that she didn’t want her child to suffer through the rigors of chemo. Granted, cancer is no picnic, either, but I can understand the irrational thought process that wants to keep your son out of harm’s way.

In today’s society, every little thing we do for our children is looked at under a microscope. Not just in how we treat a cancerous mass in their little bodies, either. Everything from whether we breastfed or formula fed, pacifier or no pacifier, even just how we got the kid out of our bodies in the first place is criticized. It doesn’t just stop when they are infants. Potty training, teaching them to read, what foods they consume, every significant and insignificant step in childhood is a test for a mother. I have a 4 year old, and already, I feel as though I have failed him at times. I see my 2 year old learning things quicker, and I think to myself, I guess at least I learned from my mistakes with Bobby and now Dax stands a chance. Mind you, these little mistakes are just with getting them to pee in the toilet or how to get them to put on their own shirt. Not headline making, yet I feel the pressure.

Fast forward 10 years for me. When Bobby is 14, and possibly going by Robert, how competent will I be? It will no longer be Dr. Seuss I will have to worry about but Algebra and pre calculus. Is my son being stimulated enough in the classroom, is he well rounded outside of school. Is he nice to other kids, or is he a bully? All of these things that all parents deal with, and have dealt with for years, and yet it is so much different today than even 5 years ago. Don’t even look back 10 or 20 or even 30, because you will see that despite our parents’ and grandparents’ drives to push their kids to succeed, they didn’t have the crazy that is the internet, 24 hour news stories on new learning tools, and TLC programs showing us how a family of 18 kids can be more efficient than one with only 2.

Now let’s add to the mix some horrible words. Cancer. Obesity. These are only two of the many things we may have to deal with. Now put those words in conjunction with your child’s name. Bobby has cancer. Dax is morbidly obese. They send chills through your body and although some may be able to step up in ways that don’t seem humanly possible, doesn’t it seem also possible that some parents will simply crack from that kind of pressure?

We do what we think is best for our kids. Most people truly do. They don’t sit idly by on the sideline watching their son or daughter suffer though the beast that is flowing through their blood or feel good when their kid can’t make it up a flight of stairs without wheezing. Often our best isn’t good enough, and yes, we turn to doctors for their help and expertise. We look to them for guidance. What we don’t always realize is that, despite their years of training, despite their vast knowledge, we have been trained to not trust them.

Think about it. How many malpractice suits are filed each year? How many times have we been told to get a second opinion about something as trivial as a bad cough? We glamorize doctors in sitcoms and dramas every night on our television, and yet we don’t even listen to our own physician who is there on our team of wellness.

When we then hear a doctor telling us the pain and agony our child, our baby will go through to kill the cancer. We hear that our child, our baby will go through food withdrawals and it will be tough. Of course we know the benefits, but haven’t we been good about keeping them from harm’s way to begin with? And even though this is harm to bring about a greater good, our gut reaction is often surprising when we decline a treatment only to keep them from shedding one tear.

I of course understand that despite my sympathy for these mothers who have to overcome nature and push past their human shield, that bottom line is, it is in fact a village that raises these children. Of course, it wasn’t my next door neighbor that stayed up late at night with my son at their breast, but they may have been up, trying to not call the cops for the loud baby cries. It wasn’t the Ralph’s employee who dressed my son in the morning, but it was him who guided him back to me when he wandered off. It was I who taught him how to walk, but it is that special teacher that really taught them how to fly with a love of science. We all have a hand in every one person’s life, and with that, when we see a mother, who is stressed beyond her capacity to think rationally, we have to step up, we have to help. Not just the child, but her as well.

I hope with all my heart that even though these two women were wrong in taking their children away from the village that wants to help, we still can stop and put ourselves in their shoes. It isn’t easy being alone while raising a child, and perhaps if they understand that, future decisions that they make will be more beneficial to not only her, but to her child.

Even though I am sure that my life is going to be bombarded with advice, success stories and tragic tales all surrounding every aspect of my boys’ upbringing, I want to make sure to take from that the good that truly is intended. Hopefully it isn’t too late for these two women to really be able to grasp that and I hope that they get the help their kids need as soon as possible. I think once they do, the healing their kids will be going through will not be the only healing. They too, need our support to get them to a point where they know, they were never alone in the fight for their child’s health.