The standard crap

5-21-09

I went off on a rant on my first blog attempt today and left it as just that. I figured here I would start in on the other parts of my Wednesday.

My cough has been bad. This morning, Tammy was on the phone with her sister, Barbara, and she heard me over the phone coughing and said I should see a doc. I may need to make an after hours appt tonight.

The best part of my day, which also turned out to be inner demon inducing, was my acquisition of a karaoke machine! In the magic trailer that keeps producing random and entertaining knick knacks (and much to our chagrin, a lot of gay porn), I was rewarded for my efforts of cleaning it in the form of this singing machine that looked like it was 10 years old. I squealed in delight when I saw it, sitting in the back of the trailer, all alone. I asked Ken, who had been working diligently on the cleanup of the other fun things (which included a bag of hot wheels cars for the boys, a Zippo lighter for me and fuzzy leopard print dice for the rear view mirror) if that magnificent piece of cheese inducing fun was now mine. He reluctantly brought it out to me, and seemed happy that at least I couldn’t really use it since I was lacking in an karaoke music. What he had not realized is that I spied an 80’s compilation disc set that he had pulled for me that was not just 80’s, it was designed for said machine. I was giddy.

We went inside, and proceeded to plug it in and listened to the elevator music recordings of some of my favorites including AHA and George Michael. Ken sang a little, testing the machine and then handed me the other microphone, assuming I would go ahead and belt out the classics with enthusiasm due to my excitement level when I got the machine in the first place.

This is where is got, well, weird. I couldn’t do it. I was terrified. Mind you, this is just in front of Ken. The boys were not home yet, there was no one else in the house. Ken has heard me sing a million times. To tunes in the radio, to our children, old home videos. It isn’t like my singing voice was new to him. Yet I couldn’t bring myself to sing Faith, despite not even needing the words. After much goading and prodding and promises from Ken to not only not look at me but to put a pillow over his head (I also closed the curtains and closed the font door) lest me might actually catch a glimpse of me. Once I got into it a bit, I was fine, but I was seriously having issues.

What is funny is, this is one of those strange areas that I don’t tend to have a problem with. In Jr High, I tried out for solos in chorus and they even let me do one (not sure if that was due to talent or just letting me do one due to how many I tried out for). In high school, Angela and I sung not only to every song we heard, we sang together, on recordings, tape and video. We sang on the guys’ loudspeakers out of the car to poor unsuspecting neighbors. We subjected our friends and family to numerous music numbers that even though we had fun, I can guarantee you, we were not the next American Idol.

Greg, despite the criticism for other things I did, was very enthusiastic about my singing. At one point, he even said that Scott Book and I should be a band, with him on keyboard and me on vocals (it was a time right after the 80’s, and really, this was the formula. I am sure he was hoping for the next Yaz). Greg even had me sing a Scorpians song for him on tape because he liked it so much. He especially liked my singing of La Isla Bonita from Madonna, which is particularly amusing in the randomness of the song. He told me many times, I sang fantastic.

So what is the problem? Look, I can say my self esteem was damaged from being called ugly, but this is a positive note, no pun intended. Not only was no one mean about my voice, people praised it! So why get all embarrassed?

I have vague recollection of Ken once in a car saying that he didn’t care for people singing along with the radio. I know at the time I took this as, ok, Ken is not going to be impressed with me on the same things Greg was. I wasn’t offended, but I know I was a little bummed he wasn’t as enthusiastic about my voice.

Just to clarify, I am not suggesting I am the best singer. I can sing some songs and not sound like cats drowning. The boys are happy when I sing a few songs. They also yell at me for others, but that may be song choice, not voice. I even sang to Dax last night before bed, and he seemed quite pleased with it.

So why in the world did I freeze when I was going to sing in front of my husband, the man who has seen me at my worst, and hasn’t run screaming yet. He has even told me he likes my singing! What random issue has crippled me from singing in front of one person? I have done karaoke at two parties. Mind you, both times I was quite drunk, and I sang with someone else (truly the only way to do it in a bar). I suppose this was one of those occasions, though, in which I wasn’t just singing to sing. I was now singing and Ken would be paying attention to only that. I was actually paying attention, not harmonizing with the established artist but going on my own, and this crippled me with fear.

I have no answer, no deep thoughts on the topic. I know it is there, and I know that it messes with my head in a way that I can’t explain. I suppose now I should make a point of singing to Ken each night, just to get over this crazy fear. Although, I don’t know if I am up for that, and I realize that Ken will read this. Crap.

The boys loved the machine. They were not nearly as keen on the whole singing to songs aside from singing without music. They did lovely renditions of the alphabet and itsy bitsy spider. Mostly, though, Bobby was channeling his inner rock star and spent a lot of time screaming into the microphone unintelligible syllables. I may need to get him some music lessons soon.

After singing, we headed over to the mall in order for me to get my free $5 gift card. The Galleria has rewarded me again for not spending much money in their establishment by presenting me with free money. I turned around and used it at Hot Topic where I got a pair of clearance earrings and a cool plaid bandanna. Yay!

We also hit up the Disney store that told us that a shipment was coming in on Friday, so my mission is to check with them tomorrow to see if Bolt was shipped with that. Cross your fingers!

We had some dinner (Chicken bowl, estra sauce!) and enjoyed the happiness that is a mall.

Of course last night was the whole American Idol debacle that had me fuming, but on the plus side, it gave Ken and I some better couple time since we were not just watching the show and rushing off to bed so that I could get a handful of hours of sleep. The boys must have sensed our need for privacy, also, as neither had any real issues going to bed. Even Bobby, who normally comes out for multiple glasses of water, which also includes a request for a hug and kiss and an answer to some random question, only came out maybe once. It was odd! Good, but odd.

I should really be doing some work, but I was feeling verbose this morning, as evident by the fact that I have 3 pages here and the other 2 on the American Idol stuff. I have a feeling that today has a potential for being craptastic based on the couple of orders I have up. Yesterday was supposed to be that day, but shockingly I had a sales rep actually back me on something, and the boss left me alone. Woo hoo!

Ok, I have made an appointment for the doc despite Ken telling me I am probably fine. I am probably fine, but it doesn’t hurt to go and check, I figure. I have health coverage, I might as well use it, right? I am now leaving work around 1, perhaps a smidge sooner depending on how I feel. I still need to go by an ATM and get gas, so I may duck out earlier just to make sure I get those done so I can make it to the doc in time.

Apparently I do not need to go by an ATM as Ken took care of all the banking needs. YAY! I still need gas, so I may still leave a little early. We will see. I just don’t want to sit around in the waiting room too long. The good news, I know I have my book in the car, so I will have something to read. YAY!