Sadness all over

8-24-09

My back hurts again. I need to do some stretches in general. I think that will help. What probably did not help, well, ok, not complaining really, nor do I think I will continue with that thought.

I have been up since 3. Apparently Monarch thought it would be ok to go into Dax’s room, knock over his lamp, and then leave, scaring the crap out of Dax. I heard him yell out, and Ken didn’t budge, so I got up. I got him some milk and crawled back into bed hoping that he would at least give me my last hour. Not so much. He yelled out again, looking for more milk around 10 till 4. I got up at that point, recognizing there was no point in getting comfy for 20 minutes, which would have only resulted in me finally drifting off 2 minutes before the alarm yelled at me. It worked out ok as it gave me a chance to shave my legs.

I also had a little more time to catch up on Facebook activities since last night my grand plan had been to go to bed early. In all fairness, at 8:20, we had shut down the house and were in the process of bedtime. Ken had to go read to Bobby still (I never did ask why he didn’t read it when he was in there before), so we agreed to meet in bed in a bit. I ended up needing to go in and sing to Dax for a while as he said his leg hurt. Not sure if it hurts or itches, or what the deal is. He is walking on it a bit, which I seem to recall the doc saying he should not, despite the bend in the cast. But he only complains when he goes to bed, so I think he may be complaining about bedtime with complaints he knows gets attention. I still worry it is not just in his head, but either way, the singing helped him settle.

We got into bed, and it still wasn’t even 9, so we were doing ok. Of course, Bobby came out crying because apparently he wanted one of the cats to sleep with him. No one wanted to take that hit. Ken told Bobby this, but then also handed him the flashlight to go ask the cats himself. We heard him walk through the house, then come back, hand over the flashlight, and went into his bedroom. Ken went to tuck him in.

Ok, 5 till 9, we are still not late. It is almost normal bedtime, but at least it isn’t late. Dax cries again. Bobby coughs a bunch. Bobby’s coughing prompted us to stop our activities and Ken went to check on him. He was facing the wall, with his hands over his head. He rolls over to look at Ken who asks him if he is ok. Bobby tells him that he put his hands over his head and is fine. This stems from pool activities. Whenever he would choke on some water, I would have him stand up tall, hands over his head as it helps you breathe better compared to bending over. I remember this from my soccer days. So I always tell them in the pool if they get water in the wrong pipe, to put their hands over their head. It was nice to hear Bobby actually listened to my advice.

Ken came back to bed, and as I mentioned before, not complaining, but I didn’t get to sleep until 10. Oh well, at least I tried.

My weekend was pretty uneventful. Played in the pool, yard, and with kittens. Ken and I watched The Big Lebowski and Ocean’s 11 (the original). I know, random, but both were interesting and mostly good. It was cool to see such legends in the Ocean’s movie. I prefer the newer one, but mostly just due to pacing. The first was a bit slow, and I think that some of the musical numbers didn’t help. I loved seeing Shirley Mclaine looking stunning. I am pretty sure Frank Sinatra isn’t the best part of the movie. Dean Martin, though, new crush I think for me.

Crap.

I talked to my source this morning. I am not on the chopping block. At all. But, we are getting hit hard on Thursday. 160 people. This includes some really wonderful people. People who I enjoy working with and am shocked they are getting rid of them. But the worst is, I know who is going in this department.

The dilemma is that I don’t know if I should tell her. I know I would like to know, but I don’t know if she would. I think I need to tell her, though. I think it is the right thing to do. I am sure she won’t tell anyone that I told her or anything like that, but I just hate for her to get hit. I swear, I only seem to get close to the ones they let go. Every freaking time. No joke. It started with Kitty. Then Hope, and Penelope, now…it sounds like it is Tammy.

I want to cry.

Tammy has been one of the best influences on my life, ever. She is kind, she is funny, and even though we don’t believe in the same things, she has given me so much to think about and reflect upon and she just has really, I think, made me a better person. Don’t worry, I plan on telling her all of this. She has encouraged me to be who I am. She has been a huge supporter of my writing, and as corny as this sounds, my soul. She truly believes I am good, and seriously, it freaks me out that this is some kind of punishment to me to fire her so I feel guilty for ever mocking her religion. The solace I take is that really, she is ok with it. And actually, because I know she has deep faith that God has a plan for her, I truly believe that her plan is actually taking her to doing the programs and brochures she and her sister do now, and she has been loving doing for a while. She has said they have considered doing this full time, and they would make ok money at it. I don’t know if it is the path, but I hope that whatever the path, she does fantastic.

I am so upset.

Ok, I just told her. She is my friend and dammit, I can’t not let her know. I texted her from the bathroom and told her to meet me there and I told her. I started crying first. I know, I am so freaking lame. But it is just wrong. So fucking wrong. Why her??? Why her of all people. There is a person in my dept that no joke, complains about being bored because she has no work. There is another person who doesn’t do any work, ever!! Why Tammy??????????

She hugged me, and we cried a bit. We cleaned up to make sure to not being suspicion to the whole thing. She just went home, she couldn’t deal with this right now. I have never felt worse. She is coming in tomorrow, and we can talk then, but man, this is horrible. She told me she was glad I told her, so that makes me feel a teeny bit better. I guess it is better to hear from your friend than the boss.

I am glad I have a job (unless something changes) through the end of the year, but I can tell you, my work days will not be the same without her.

I have to get off this topic.

I didn’t get off the topic. I opted to write her a letter. Seems appropriate since she was always a huge fan of my writing and I wanted to give her something to take away from here.

I just took some Tylenol. Hopefully that will help the headache I have. I am pretty sure it will not help the heart ache.

Ok, off topic, off topic….


It looks like we are driving up to the Brenan Compound for Labor Day Weekend. Should be cool since it is 3 days. We have not been up since I think Feb. I know we just saw them, but we should see them more often. This is a good weekend since Ken has not started work yet, and the boys have that Monday off. I am even considering taking off that Friday. We will see. I can always call out sick. Don’t know yet. We are taking the new van, which should be nice. Super comfy. Lycos will have lots of room. The trip home will be long due to traffic, but we will all manage. We always do.

I am wearing an all purple dress. So unlike me! I was told I was pulling it off, but I still am nervous being that it is out of my comfort zone. But if I look ok, then yay me.

Tammy just texted me to tell me she is ok, just needed to regroup. I don’t blame her. I would have gone home, too. She thanked me for telling her. I hate that she is having to comfort me on this. I am a lousy friend.

I got some Sally Hansen nail strengthener at Target. It isn’t the stuff I want to get, but I figured this was a cheap way to start the process. My thumb nails, the right on in particular, is splitting down the center and is all thrashed. I pick at the cuticles, which has probably destroyed my nails. I blame my stress levels. I pick when I am really stressed. This week will be rough. But I figure if I go crazy on the polish and lotion, I am less likely to mess with my fingers when it comes to picking.

We washed the cars this weekend with these new Mr Clean contraptions Ken got on Woot. Kind of cool little things, really. Not sure I like the window cleaning aspect, but my dad had given me this other stuff, so I may do the windows with that. In actuality, what really doomed the wash job was how hot it was out. I think some of the soap may have dried onto the glass. We also took out some more of the stuff in the PT. I had bags of toys, trash, and other already in there, so it was just a matter of getting them out. I put some of the organizational bucket stuff from there into my current car. So now my car is clean, and super organized, which I am quite proud of. I need to still get a better CD holder book, which we have plenty of. I just need to dig one out.

We need to find the warranty paperwork on the PT and decide if the repairs are covered. If so, we need to get it fixed. If not, we should look into what we will do with it. I wonder how much we can get for it.

I don’t think the magnitude of just how many people are being let go has hit me yet. Good, kind, hard working people. My understanding so far is that we are reducing the company down to how we used to be many, many years ago. We will concentrate more on distribution, not so much on manufacturing. There is even talk of us moving from the building I am in, to go over to the other building across the parking lot. Not a big deal to move to the other building, but it sounds like this may not happen. I will be curious if I will get to be here during these growing pains and if perhaps when we get to the light at the other end of the tunnel, if I will be one of those folks left who has been here forever.

Pretty sure I can’t take the boys to the X-Games, ever. Truly, it is just a matter of time before they get into that and I will be knee deep in emergency room visits for various breaks and injuries. If I have a heart attack in the next 20 years, I am pretty sure this will be why. Sure, the fat and other will help, but even if I was healthy, these boys will be the death of me with their stunts.

If Tammy is no longer here, I think I will start coming in closer to 6 and maybe starting next week I will ride the exercise bike again.

Dammit! There is some guy on TMZ whose name is Dax. He is fine, but I hate that two prominent folks in the world with my kid’s name.

We are going to Costco this evening. Might as well do it when we have some money.

I was quite proud of our dinner last night. Ralph’s seems to often have these whole chickens that are on sale. So we pick up a couple and make stuffing and put it all together for roasting for a couple hours. We have done this twice now, and both times, the chicken was so juicy! Yay us!

I am working pretty hard now, just trying to keep my mind off of stuff. I am starting to get sleepy, which is not fun since that makes the whole day drag even more. I am considering getting a box and taking some of my stuff home. Not a lot, just a few items here and there. I actually have a can of “spaz juice” which is a Happy Bunny product. I have had this for years. Truly, I don’t need it. I may just throw it out. I have a couple other items that really, I don’t need. So I may start chucking stuff just to make my desk more neat.

Of course, there is always still the possibility that I am getting let go on Thursday as well, so cleaning my desk may be more like cleaning out.

At noon, I will be the only person on my side of the department. It is going to be lonely and quiet over here.

It is that time of year again when I need to start considering everything from Halloween costumes to where we are spending the holidays. There is tentative plans for the Thanksgiving holiday to be spent at Legoland with Ken’s family. Don’t know any details as of yet (hopefully we will pin something down if we go up). If this is the case, Christmas will be spent at home. I do love the idea of doing Christmas just the four of us in the morning again. It feels so cozy. I like the big hoopla, too, but I think they need to be a smidge older for it to enjoy it more. Let’s face it, Christmas morning is early, not late in my head, and truly, most little kids would agree with me. And really, since Christmas is a Friday, we can always head up there that night, with Ken and I being up all night and then letting the Brenans hang out with the boys while we nap. I always end up taking off that whole week after, so I think I will make that my plan again. I get like 2 floats, so really, I am only using like one vacation day that week, so I think that is doable.

Boy, I really am trying to keep my mind off of stuff if I am bullshitting about holiday schedules in August!!

The boss is out the next two days. Apparently one day is a seminar, the next is vacation. Seems kind of tacky to be out when people are being laid off. He will be here on the day that it has been rumored that it will happen. I am glad he is gone, though. Just means that it will be quiet for my reports.

Dangit! Ken just called and thought he could come and get me for a bit to go for some ice cream. I am covering 2 people at this point, though, so really, getting out is not much of an option. Dang!