Sob Story

3-26-10

I am out of sorts this morning and frankly quite exhausted from my break down last night.

Do not be alarmed. I am sure this was coming. Since it was mentioned a couple months ago, I have had anxiety regarding the upcoming trip to Ohio. Taking out all the positive and even negative in terms of logistics and taking time off, there is the giant issue at hand which is I will be without my boys for 3 days.

The longest I have been away from the boys has been over night. The first time I left Bobby with someone just for a couple of hours I was a mess. It has gotten easier, but I can tell you my heart does ache every time I drive away from my parent’s house, waving to my slightly weepy boys.

This situation is going to be even harder for me. Not only am I leaving them, I am going on a plane right then, and I won’t have Ken to calm me down. I am going to want to cry, but I will be trying to keep it together since I will be in public, and not with my touch stone. I can assure you, I will be taking my Xanax.

Last night, Papa Brenan called to confirm plans and I nodded to the go ahead for making my reservations. I was in the midst of watching a sad scene in a movie, so it was easy to hide my minor tears as just part of my wussy movie watching. The proverbial straw then hit fast and hard.

Ken got off the phone and mentioned the idea Papa Brenan had of instead of putting the boys through such a chaotic day of travel (flying to Colorado early Friday morning, and flying home early Saturday) to just possibly have them stay with my folks for the day/night and then Ken could retrieve them Saturday morning when he arrived home. I lost it.

This plan meant that I would have to bid them goodbye a day earlier, making the length of time I didn’t see them even longer. Sure, it isn’t too much longer, but I was already fragile. I couldn’t hold back the tears. I am sure I yelled, not meaning to be angry, but I just broke down.

It was all so final. Reservations were made, I couldn’t really back out now. I was going to Ohio, for better or for worse.

I know that most people would think I was crazy. What mom wouldn’t kill to get out of town for a few days without her husband and kids? Especially a mom who works full time both at work and at home, who when at home is the center of everything that goes on from kids, man, dogs, cats and even rat! It is a dream come true, right?

Sure, it probably is for someone who isn’t so terrified of change. Or someone who isn’t prone to over reacting to even the smallest things. Plus, I am someone who needs to have some kind of routine. I like that I wake up at a certain time every morning. I like that I go to bed with M*A*S*H playing in the background every night. I like reading to my kids each night and I like Monarch curled up at my feet. I like my dogs getting so excited to see me that they can’t stand it anymore. I like that Ratticus climbs up on the cage to greet me when I walk by. I miss that even when I go out for the evening. I really do just have a need to be in my element. It probably seems lame.

I can venture out of my comfort zone, but I usually have to have Ken with me. God forbid he dies before me. Seriously, I have a hard time sleeping without him. I told him last night to be prepared for me to be super tired when I get home since I know I won’t sleep for those 3 nights.

On the plus side, I will have video chat available. I will have Bitty with me and now with the web cam at home, I will be able to see and talk to the boys. That may make it easier. I am also going with people I feel comfortable with. Holly will understand my mommy sadness which will be nice. Andy is awesome on every level so I will feel fine around him. I lived with Papa Brenan for years, so it is all good around him. There will be one new person, but I think I should be ok with that. Plus, I will have cemeteries to roam through, and my primary focus is to document the whole trip with my camera, which I will love. Actually, if anything, I think my camera will become my crutch out there.

I just put in the request for my days off. I took off that Thursday and Friday as well. I may need to use those days to reconnect with the boys in my life. Disneyland, the zoo, museums, movies, dinner, etc. It will be a jam packed week.

On top of all this worry on my part, I have been feeling nauseous and icky the last day and a half. I still feel hunger and have been able to eat, but I just feel off. Not sure if it is related to my trip or not. I am keeping an eye on myself. I am going to tough it out at work today since if I go home, I know that I will just want to clean, which will not make me feel any better. Sure, it will sort of, but not the same. Plus, I need to save up my time off.

What sucks more than anything on feeling so blue on this trip is that I don’t know that anyone understands me. I am not saying that people can’t feel sad for me, but I don’t know how many people get that stupid when they leave their kids. Ken doesn’t understand fully what I am going through. He doesn’t get the same tinge of sad when he drops the kids off at daycare. Don’t get me wrong, there are days when I count down the hours until bed time. But they are still there, under my roof, just a few feet from me. Maybe I am feeling guilty internally for being happy to bail for some time?

Seriously, I don’t like feeling nauseous. Especially when there are no results. Plus, my window for bailing just closed since the boss just got here. Sure, I could still leave, but it is more awkward.

My time off request was just approved. I have April 30th off to go up to the Compound, and I have the week off for the Ohio trip. Woo hoo! I was a little worried, but I don’t know why. My boss, as much as he drives me nuts, has always been awesome about time off. Seriously, he approves everything and has always been super cool about sick leave and even unpaid leave. I should know. I have been out for 2 pregnancies, with one of them being 6 months, I have been out for 2 weeks for a hospital stay, and countless trips and sick days over the last 9 and a half years.

In other news, I need to keep an eye on a spot on Luna’s stomach. She must have been bit by a spider since I found the red target spot on her tummy. It doesn’t seem to bother her, and it isn’t super red. Ken thinks it is an old bite, which makes me feel bad that I didn’t notice it, but it is pretty low on her stomach and I don’t tend to look at her there. Either way, I am keeping an eye on it to make sure I don’t end up with another lopsided dog.

Lycos is so cute. After she eats her dinner, she just kind of strolls of to bed, which is in Bobby’s room. She is like this little old lady, happy to be able to get away from the youngster. She can’t fool us as much now, though. We have both witnessed the dogs playing together now. Lycos actually seems to like her blond roommate.

There is good news and bad news with it being hot tomorrow. Hot means the boys can play in the pool. Hot also means unfun working conditions for Ken and I. LOL! But the plan is to tackle the small storage sheds and the side of the house. I want to move the storage sheds in to the yard so that we can use them better. I also want to move the car and trailer down so we have our driveway back.

Speaking of the PT, Ken is planning on getting it fixed. The Blazer is on its last wheels really, and aside from the timing belt on the Cruiser, it is in excellent condition. It will only cost a couple of thousand to repair, which we can get done on a payment plan hopefully. Ken can then use that as his primary car. The Blazer would be kept in the back of the driveway since it is the only car we own that can pull the trailer. I would like to get that done soon.

I really really really really really really really really really really want to see Hot Tub Time Machine. Of course, I don’t see it happening until it comes out on video, but I think that is ok. All I know is that when on KROQ they talked to Craig Robinson about the movie, he and Ralph were talking about sound bites from the movie, one being, “Great White Buffalo” said like a whisper. All I can think of is this song on the Hackers soundtrack that sounds just like that, and I wonder if it is from the same song. I looked it up, and it is not a reference to the song as far as I can tell, but still funny!

Ok, I am getting ready to go to the going away pot luck. I have no idea how long I will be over there. Part of me wants to linger just so I can kill time. Of course, then I have to come back here and it is harder to do things like surf the net when it isn’t my lunch break. But we will see. Either way, it is 11 which means I only have a little over 3 hours left, an hour of which at least is pot lucking! YAY!