4-15-13 part 2? Wow!

4-15-13

Wow, a two parter today!

Last week I started looking for a puppy. With Lycos seeming to be more and more, well, old, I knew that my Cos would soon be just a happy memory. She is still truckin, but I wanted to know what was out there as a companion for Miss Luna.

My searches took me far and wide. One, as I had mentioned before, left me in stiches. Sure, let me wire you some cash and you will ship me a dog from Africa. LOL!!

I checked for pups every which way that might be either a lab or a golden since ultimately they have been fabulous in our house. Many of the golden rescue groups only had older dogs, and I really want to have a pup since I think it will be easier to introduce them to our house.

Then I found one.

This woman is a screen writer who runs a small rescue group called Star Paws. Her group had two pups from a little of lab/shepherd mixes that had been found in a hole on a hill. They are little girls, all black, 10 weeks old. Yeah, pretty much picture perfect in so many ways.

It got even better. I was shocked when the adoption fees were only $250, and that included spay, microchip and all that jazz. We even could get a week trial period.

I emailed, assuming they would tell me they were already adopted. Shoot, when you look into those eyes, I expected them to be gone in a heartbeat. Shockingly, they were available. I filled out the application and spoke with the woman quite a bit in email. I showed her pictures of my house, my dogs, my kids, all in the hopes to win her over. She had a friend who was interested still, but she would let me know today.

Seriously, I didn’t expect them to approve me!!

So I sat there, dumbfounded at my computer. I had mentioned it to Ken, and although he never said no, he also never said yes. I talked to a couple of friends, both of whom told me I should not do this, at least not right now. Yet, with all of these factors, I had kept going forward with correspondence.

Finally, today, I have come to my senses.

I needed a win.

Don’t get me wrong. I do want a playmate for Luna. This pup would probably be perfect on so many levels. But I think I am in it for the wrong reasons.

This house thing has got me frazzled in ways I have not known in a while. I have always said I don’t like it when I am buying something that I have to bid for it. I have in 3 bids on houses as of this morning. No joke. I don’t know what will happen, but all of them make me nervous. We looked at 9 houses in the last 7 days. I am exhausted mentally. I just want something to happen.

On top of that, I am not pregnant.

Sure, this would normally be a good thing to a woman of my age and let’s face it, situation. I have two very active boys. I have a husband who is currently over tapped on responsibilities. I myself am over stretched in addition to losing my battle again on my fat lard body. I don’t need a baby.

But that small voice inside me is still trying to convince me. She wants to feel the swirl inside her abdomen. She wants to watch as her belly expands not because of too much pasta but because of the seed in there. She wants to once again feel a baby at her breast and know the absolute bliss that comes from it.

That voice is not as loud as it used to be.

It is being replaced by another voice. That of an older me that is urging me to move forward in life. A voice telling me that there are so many more things out there that are coming and that I need to let go of the past and embrace what I am becoming.

Sadly, it is just that it doesn’t matter what voice I am listening to. My body seems to be only listening to the second, and it is frustrating to not have control over that. It is upsetting that in yet another arena I can’t just decide. I am a control freak who is currently infertile, looking for a house and then opted to try and get a dog!

When I was accepted for the pup, I was elated. It meant I was not bad. It meant I could decide on something. It meant I wasn’t always going to be over looked or unable.

That also means I was able to decide to not do it.

I wanted someone to tell me it was ok, but I never got that. I then realized the only person I needed to hear tell me that was myself, and even I couldn’t do that.

I emailed her and apologized and said that I couldn’t accept the puppy at this time.

Instead I took charge of what I can. I had less food so far today. I went back to doing my arm circles at every bathroom break. I walked the longer interval at the gym today and didn’t allow myself to back down. I have to take charge of the things I can control, and for now, the only thing I can control is me.

Life isn’t easy. I know this. I know that there will be decisions I will make with my heart and not my head and ones I will make with my head and not my heart. But hopefully I can start to make them see eye to eye more frequently and make the decision that will make them both happy in the end.