Happy Making

3-12-09

I am happy.

This phrase could be defined 100 different ways by 100 different people. You could be happy because you just got a raise, or you could be happy because your team won the big game or you could just be happy because you are wearing wonderfully sparkly shoes. You could be happy for all of those reasons all at once.

Happiness often is attached to variables in your life that bring you joy. These are things that can make you smile no matter how down you are, and things that light up your very being. One could argue that not all happy making things are the same potency level. This may in fact be true, but why can’t they all be more potent than we give them credit for?

A friend of mine asked me to explain what happiness means to me and how I would define it. I think that there is no simple answer to this, so it seems best to try to give examples of things that make me happy, and try to delve into what aspects these things have that contribute to my general state of happiness.

It could go without saying that my two boys are the things that make me the most happy. But it is important that it doesn’t go without a mention, for there is probably no greater joy to me then to have finally been able to have children. I am not saying kids are for everyone. I won’t lie and say that every moment being a parent has been one party after another, either. There are times when you just want to run screaming, especially in the beginning. The responsibility, the stress, the overwhelming fear that you are not good enough to handle this. I know these moments all too, well. When Bobby practically fell out of me, I truly didn’t feel the overwhelming sense of affection for this slimy mess. I actually laughed at the poor kid. He had this bubble gum ball for a chin that just was wrong. In all fairness, I was pretty heavily medicated, but even so, the first week with that kid was no picnic. But I wouldn’t change a bit. I actually kind of like that I didn’t insta bond with him. I like that I got to know him as Bobby, not just Fetus Bob or Baby Boy Brenan. I really got to know my son and even when he would throw up nasty smelling milk down my shirt or back talk to me when I ask him to do something, I get this peacefulness. I may yell, I may cry, I get frustrated at all of the ups and downs of mommyhood, but I still can’t help but look into those eyes and feel as though I have just been transported to my own wonderland.

I have read that you should love your husband more than you love your kids. The article said that since you have essentially chosen your partner, you love him more since the kids are all a nature thing. There is merit in this argument. I have confidence that Ken isn’t going to warrant a time out for throwing his food again. But it is more than that. When you find the one you are meant to be with, you don’t feel like you are really working at a relationship. Ken and I have issues. If we didn’t, we would be like one of Dax’s stinky diapers; full of crap. I can safely say that even when I am frustrated with the problems, I still want to tell Ken things before I tell anyone else the same thing. And maybe that is what makes Ken a huge happy factor. He is my best friend. It isn’t just about the sex, it isn’t just about the mundane crap you have to do around the house. When going to the grocery store with someone is fun, then you know you have a keeper.

As I have been writing this, I have been listening to my iPod churn out some of my favorite songs. “I want to hold your hand” is so simplistic, yet it is like a familiar sweater. It is comfy, warm, and smells perfect. I can tell you right now, there are certain songs that can pick me up even if I am crying. Music surrounds us with not just beautiful melodies or rambunctious rock. It is memories and feelings. It is a way that even in our saddest moments, can give us a voice. I know that there were tapes that I would play over and over again in high school when I was depressed. Does this mean I was more depressed? Not in the least bit. I had a way to channel all of my down emotions and I was able to move forward. Think about this. When you are sad, it a silent room more or less comforting than one with a song by your favorite artist? I will tell you right now, that silence makes me feel alone. But if George Michael is singing along with my pain, I feel like there is hope. That is what is part of happiness; hope. If you lack in the hope that things will get better, you will never be happy. And if you always have hope, even when you are sad, there is still the glimmer, which is that happiness.

What really is the secret for being happy? It isn’t having the husband, kids and the house, etc. It is the smallest things that make all the difference in the world. Trust me, if you put all your eggs in the family basket, you will be miserable. You can’t put it into the materialistic basket, either, since then when you don’t have stuff, you are miserable. Why not be happy at something as simple as a pack of gum.

Yes, gum falls into the materialistic basket, sort of. But it isn’t the gum. It is where it came from. Ken recently found in a clearance section 3 or 4 boxes of the gum I like. They were 25 cents a pack, which is like a dollar cheaper than it is normally. So he got it all for me. I brought it to work, and showed it off to Tammy, who was amused at how excited I was. She said it was so cool to see me excited over something as simple as gum. I got to thinking about that. Why can’t the act of getting me gum be one of the coolest things ever? I don’t have to wait for roses to feel loved. A simple text message saying, “Love” should be all it takes. I am happy when I see Dax gasp in admiration when he sees his brother in his Darth Vader costume. I am happy when my cat curls up in my lap every single night without me even calling him. I am happy when my 90210 records and it is a new episode. I am happy when it rains, I am happy when it is sunny out. Shouldn’t life, even when it is craptastic, be your ultimate happy making item?

There are people that are not happy. They have put too much emphasis on what makes them miserable. If you constantly look at the bad, you won’t have time to see all of the good around you. When you walk to your car from work, consider all of the things that you pass on your way. Do you see the dirt on your car? Or do you see that you have a car? Do you see coworkers? Or do you see people that will help you out if your car needs a jump? It is these simple upgrades to your viewpoint that can really amp up your day, and in turn, your life.

A few years ago, I hated my job. I was miserable. I dreaded every moment I was there. I picked fights with co workers and my boss. Then I went on a extended maternity leave. I had to get out of there. I decided at the time that I needed a new job. I found one that was ready to hire me on the spot. I looked over the paperwork and had even been ok with the pay cut, the different hours and my lack of seniority. The lady who was doing the hiring then said the words, “you will need to make sure to work on how loud you are.” I was dumbfounded. Not at the random criticism, but at the fact that no matter where I worked, I would find drama. I would find headaches. I always had the potential of being miserable. I turned down the job. I went back to the place that I was sure hated me and I wasn’t even sure I had a position to go back to. In fact, I came back to not only a job, but family. These were people I had worked with for 6 years, and despite our differences, I really got the impression they were happy to see me. And rather than debate that in my head, I just accepted it. I was back where I should be. I made a point of being happy in my situation, rather than make it my hell.

Yes, positive outlook sounds so hippie. But there is some truth to those flower children. If you feel happy, you are happy. I am not suggesting that you won’t be sad at times, or so pissed you want to kick someone square in the head. But even those things can be looked at as happy making. When I rant to people, I swear, it cracks me up when I make them laugh. I feel almost like the angry is my happy at that point. I will sob at some silly commercial, and even though I feel sad inside, I can laugh at the fact that the cereal commercial caused me to cry like a baby. You have to find the humor in everything, or it will eat up all of your happy.

Case and point. Ken and I will have playful banter with one another about everything. Recently, though, I have let some of the financial stresses really get to me. Ken made a joke regarding me needing to win the lottery so we could get one of the cool houses we drove past in old Torrance. I should have laughed. It was funny! Instead, I found myself twisting into yet one more thing on the list of things that need to be done by me in my house. I found myself resenting Ken’s freedom of his career choice. It made me frustrated about my job, that I actually like! I was bitter and it was like a snowball effect. Nothing was good anymore. If you let the angry and sad be in charge, your happy will wither and die.

Everyone is always looking for the way to happiness. I can’t say that I found the only way. I can say I found my way. I have a wonderful family, I have fantastic friends, a good job and lots of cool critters to keep me warm at night. Not only that, but I have an appreciation of the mundane. The path to happiness starts in your soul. Everyone has the potential. Now all you have to do is let it grow. Nurture it, feed it, love it. All happiness is a state of mind. Are you ready to think that way?

I end with the sounds of Andy Bell singing to me from my iPod. I look over to the player, and I see pics of my two gorgeous boys. Below that is a picture of me and my man. But what I also see is a pack of my gum. Yep, it is the big things, but you can’t discount the little. The world isn’t black and white. There are so many colors in between that you have to see, and when you do see them, smile, dammit!