Ireland

4-18-12


Hello, Rock, meet Hard Place.

Ever since it was mentioned in a Bob’s Big Boy several months back, I thought I was pretty sure how I felt about it. I was 100% behind Ken going to Ireland with his dad, brother and sister. How often does he get to do that? They would be doing the whole genealogy trip, similar to what we had done in Ohio a couple years back. I liked the idea of Ken spending time with his sibs and father and I was totally ok with chillin with the boys for a week on my own.

The problem is that the plan has been one of a fluid nature. It is never what I think it is because what I think is always two steps behind. I found out that I was invited. I found out the boys were not. I found out more people were going. Days were added and taken away. Times to go were negotiated. Yet none of still is 100% set in Blarney Stone.

The main issue was that I truly didn’t (and still am unsure of) feel I could do was to leave my boys in another country for 10 days. It has taken me some time to do things like go to another state, let alone another country, with neither Ken or myself close enough to get to them in case of emergency. It is silly, I recognize this. I know that they are not babies requiring my milk or swaddle. I know that they attend school and enjoy time with my parents to the point where sometimes I wonder if they like them better.

Yesterday, after some gentle ribbing from Ken and Alyssa, it started to really eat at me. Why was I passing up an opportunity to go to Ireland with Ken? Was it truly because I didn’t think the boys could handle being away from me or vice versa? Or was it something more than that?

Guilt. It is an ugly thing and it is what has been consuming me. I feel guilty for leaving my kids behind. I feel guilty for not going with my husband. I feel guilty for making such a big stink about some amazing opportunities being presented to me in the form of two fun trips with people I love. I feel like an asshole.

I went to the public opinion pool and dove in. The Facebook community that was filled with way more rational people than I had inside my head. These were people of all ages. Women who are moms. Women who are not. Men who know how irrational women can be. Family members. It was a cross section of people that make up who I am.

None of them said Utah. All of them assured me that truly it was ok and if anything, fantastic if I go to Ireland. It would allow me a once in a lifetime experience with my love, and allow the boys an amazing trip without their parents which is one of those fun kid things to do.

Ken understood how frustrated I was. He said he didn’t envy my decision one bit. He also assured me that I needed to do what made me feel best and that he was behind me no matter what I chose.

I had Ken call Papa Brenan to see if there was still time to book my travel. Ken said he sounded pleased at my change of heart. Sadly my mom didn’t share his enthusiasm. See, with making one parent happy makes another frustrated.

My mom, the DNA source of all that is feisty and passionate, has shared my views that it wasn’t nice of the family to have excluded the boys on this adventure. At first, it made some sense being that it would be spent in libraries and pouring over record books, similar to the Ohio trip. There is no way the boys would enjoy that, and truthfully, neither would I. I loved the cemeteries and bonding with Andy and Holly, but I didn’t know if I wanted to now be in a foreign country looking up names.

Ken told me last night that I wasn’t the only one who felt this way. Papa Brenan really wanted my MIL to go, yet she wasn’t as keen on the whole research aspect. Same thing with Scotty. The trip started to evolve to the point where being that this would probably be Papa Brenan’s last giant trip, he wanted to have his wife and kids there, so he had opted to spend a week with them, and then he and Holly would stay an extra couple days to do the family research.

Of course, this doesn’t help the whole, “kids will be bored’ excuse. Sadly, if anything, this says anything, it is that this would be a perfect time for Grandpa to spend with his grandchildren as well. However, he is not including any of his grandkids on this trip. It is true that Bobby and Dax would probably not get much out of this trip at their age. Daniel and Evie would, though, and they are not invited. Even Lyn, who is family by choice did not make the list. It is just ma, pa, their 3 kids and their respective spouses.

I will explain this to my mom, who has said no matter what, I should do what I think is best for me, and that they are more than happy to take the boys for a week, go to Utah with them and have a good time hanging with their grandsons.

Of course, as of right now, I don’t know what the plan is. It may be too late. If that is the case, I am actually a bit relieved since it means I don’t have to make a choice. Then again, will I have made the wrong choice all those months back? Will I regret it all?

What sucks the most is that I don’t know that I can explain what is going on in my head from all of this. My heart hurts, and that is something that is unique to each person. I know people understand that I hurt, and may even get it on levels even I don’t, but I just feel bad because I feel like I have annoyed and frustrated so many people in my weakness.

Plus, what an asshole I am for complaining about something like this. What an incredibly selfish, thoughtless, fucked up thing to do. I should not be whining. I have so much, yet I bitch. I repeat, what an asshole.