1-26-09
I will admit, I didn’t think anyone really read the blog. Perhaps it is my own self esteem talking, but I truly didn’t think people cared. Not saying that I am not interesting at times. More realistically, I wondered if perhaps people just didn’t have time to hear how I cleaned the house for the 100th time or how the boys were funny/bad/cute/odd/etc. I apparently was incorrect in my assessment.
I spoke to Angela on Friday who called me on an unrelated topic. Before we said our goodbyes, she mentioned to me that she missed the blogs. She said she read them everyday. It shocked me. It really did. I guess just because people don’t comment on things, it doesn’t mean they are not checking in from time to time. Not just people who talk to me every day. People who don’t always get a chance to see how I am, now have a way to see what my life is like. I feel so loved!
It is going to take me some time to get back into the swing of things. I have written journals since I signed off. But many were short and didn’t contain a whole lot of information. In addition to this, I started working on my new project in which I am hoping some day that perhaps I can have my own column. I have no idea if I am good enough. I don’t even know if I would be diligent enough to write on a schedule. Shoot, I didn’t finish my story writing exercise. Then again, the story started to bore the crap out of me. Anyway, I am now working on short pieces that would be column worthy. Ok, one is funny, but it does swear, so that may or may not work for say the LA Times. Either way, I was thinking of posting those today as well just to get some feedback if anyone is up to it.
This whole weekend was one of those surreal sets of weekends. It really started Thursday. I went to check Facebook before turning into bed when I noticed a friend request. Doug Smith. I would assume that name would really only mean something to me. And that is because Doug is my half brother.
Before my parents were married, my dad was married to another woman. He also had a son. Of course, they split, and my parents met and hooked up. However, my dad was still a part of Doug’s life. I remember Doug being at the house from time to time. I don’t know how much, and I don’t even know the logistics of how those times came to be. Come to think of it, I don’t even know the custody arrangement. Perhaps my dad didn’t have 50/50 custody. I don’t really know. Either way, when I did get to see Doug, I always liked him a great deal. He was always super nice to me. I remember one time when Doug was at Redondo (yes, he went to Redondo, but I will forgive him since I had no idea about the severe rivalry at the time) and there was a football game. Doug was in the band. My dad and I went and I remember Doug actually bragging to his friends about how smart his kid sister was. It was so cool!
I saw him from time to time, but really, not enough to really get to know him as I should. I remember one of his girlfriends, I think her name was Angie? That was a period of time in which I saw him a bit more. It was pretty cool. But they split up and it seemed like he wasn’t around anymore. The last time I saw him was right when I started working at Earthlink. For those of you keeping track, that would be about 10 years ago.
I invited him to
I saw him from time to time, but really, not enough to really get to know him as I should. I remember one of his girlfriends, I think her name was Angie? That was a period of time in which I saw him a bit more. It was pretty cool. But they split up and it seemed like he wasn’t around anymore. The last time I saw him was right when I started working at Earthlink. For those of you keeping track, that would be about 10 years ago.
I invited him to my wedding, I know my dad sent cards, but really, it was as if he was just gone. On my end, I assumed he had distanced himself from us and wasn’t interested in having a relationship with our father, and in turn, me. Our dad seemed pretty upset at this. He didn’t talk about it a lot, and the few times I really brought it up, he seemed angry, which tends to mean hurt. It didn’t help that his side of the family harassed him constantly about there whereabouts of his first born son. Mind you, I was pretty bitter about this. Especially when it came to Grandma who couldn’t remember my name, yet asked for Doug every time she talked to my dad. So the combo of these things made me not interested in seeking out his company.
Even with all of this in mind, the back of my head was always filled with, I have a brother out there that I don’t know. I should know him. He is my brother! What really kicked the thoughts into high gear was the birth of my children. Here was an uncle that they should know. So I asked my dad about him again.
I wrote a letter to Doug I think it was last year. I got his last address and was going to mail the letter. I would like to say I sent it, but I really think that I chickened out. I was nervous that he wouldn’t care, which surprisingly was more of a fear than him calling. I posted the letter on MySpace, thinking that way even though it was “out there” then perhaps he would come across it.
I also tried looking him up so I could email him. It is my most comfortable medium and I figured it was a less threatening way to approach the relationship. But let’s face it, Smith isn’t exactly unusual.
Over Christmas, my parents sent Doug a Christmas card, and at my mom’s urging, they included a couple of pictures of the boys. I think they also included my information in there. It was an attempt to get Doug to get in touch with me. Whatever the issue was between he and Dad, was no reason to shut me out.
It worked.
The friend request have me access to his life again! I have since emailed with his fiancé and have been able to glimpse into how he has been. What really made my day was that he was excited about being an uncle. Both said they were looking forward to meeting the boys and Ken and hopefully being a part of our lives. YAY!!
One of the emails from Doug included the phrase, “Cute kids, sis!” I have never been called sis before. Yes, I have a brother in Matt, but it is so different. Not to say that Matt is any less of a brother. But really, it isn’t like I can have deep conversations with him. I don’t know that this is something I have lacked. I have this strange dynamic in my sibling status. I am a middle child, with no older brother present much of the time. I am the older sibling, and sometimes I am like an only child in terms of not having sibling support. I have appreciated more than anyone may know how great it is to have Ken’s siblings as my own now. I love the interaction. But of course, it isn’t quite the same.
I always was jealous of Angela and Dani since they had older brothers. I loved that their brothers were old enough to not be in their hair all the time, but that they seemed protective of them when they were there. I remember Rob, Angela’s brother, ready to kick anyone’s ass if they messed with Angela. It was so cute! I kind of always hoped that Douglas would have been that way with me. Some boy treated me wrong, they had my brother to answer to. Then again, I was always so independent about that sort of thing, so maybe it wouldn’t have been like that. I don’t know. I just saw the cool potential, never the logistics.
I really hope that Doug is comfortable enough to tell me his side of the story with the falling out with our dad. I know that it will take some time. Even I am starting to wonder if my tainted views of how things really happened with the relationship really kept me from seeing the real things happening. I have so many questions, and even though I think I am entitled to some answers, how much of it is really my business?
In addition to my recent family happenings, work has taken a strange turn. I was out on Friday, and once again, layoffs happened. I don’t know how I do it, but if I was my coworkers, I would worry when I call out sick since it seems to mean my spidey sense is in high gear. We lost one person in our department, and it isn’t someone I though would actually go. I am happy about it, but that seems cold. I am also nervous as I write this, though, that I also am out of a job. I was out on Friday, so what is to say that when the boss comes in that I am out? I don’t know, and hopefully he gets here soon so I know.
So on that note, I suppose I should get my butt to work. I leave you with one funny thing Bobby did last week.
We have a bunch of magnets on the fridge for the boys to play with. One is a cat head. Bobby takes this cat, and then says to me, “Look mommy! A Cat-tar!” at this point, he begins strumming it as if he has a guitar. Awesome!
So wish me luck that my next installment will be written at my work desk!
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