Just a few more hours and I am free

12-22-11


It is 7 am. I need to make it 5 more hours. I figure in 5 hours, the party starts and I am officially checked out.

We all walked to the beauty supply place last night in a walking adventure. It was about a 3 mile trek round trip, and the boys and Luna seemed to enjoy it. I was happy to get in some exercise, although it did stir up the stomach demons that had been dormant all morning.

I am looking forward to going home if only because I can do a nice walk and then relax. Ken and I are going to watch a movie, and then I can sleep in. Woo hoo! Tomorrow morning will be fun as we take the boys for our now tradition of letting them fill each other’s stockings.

My mom has offered to get the boys dinner and take them to the lights, which means we will not go with them. So from about 4 on, Ken and I can wrap gifts, do some last minute shopping and errands, and then relax.

Right now, the only stress involves next August. Papa Brenan is planning a trip to Ireland, much like our trip to Ohio was. Discussions have included various family members going and staying, and really, it is a lot of complexities. There had been some miscommunication between Ken and I, and he didn’t realize that I would not go with them. Ken would be going, but I pointed out that the boys are much too young for me to leave them the country without either of us home for that long. My parents are in the midst of planning a trip with the boys and myself for the same week. It is all very draining, but I know it will work out in the end. I am staying positive, can you tell?

For the party, I opted for slacks, my sparklie red, black and silver top, and my coat. I had on a scarf, but it is too warm in here. I will put it back on when we walk over to the ice box that is the warehouse where the luncheon is in. Hair is pulled back in two clips, and freshly colored (thank you, Ken!). I sadly feel like I look pregnant, but a lot of that is the bloated gut. Sigh. I really need to stop hating on myself.

I am keeping my fingers crossed for the party. I won my net book from this party a couple years ago. It would be cool to go home with something today.

I do realize that I suck, since I normally rock my santa socks and hat for today, but today I am going for pretty.

Next year, I would like to do the following:

Lose another 50 pounds.

Get a tattoo

Take at least one class towards finally getting my degree.

Walk in a 5K

Finish projects in the house that only have a few more things to go.

Write a story

Attend the unclaimed body memorial

Go on one of the Find a Death tours

Go down to one Metformin a day

Get new socks

Write a will



I will come up with more. I should not limit myself to a list.

1 and a half more days!

12-21-11


I have been in web land all morning. I found some super interesting photo collections that had lots of post mortem and other Victorian images which were all very intriguing. I was lost in them and didn’t realize how much time I had spent until I noticed that people were coming in the office.

I then spent a great deal of time on the Amazon site, looking through all of the free Kindle books. Can we tell I am clearly wasting time until I can go home tomorrow?

I will be here late tomorrow, only because the holiday luncheon is from noon to 2, which means I might as well stay on the clock and get OT for a party!

I am feeling better. My cold is going away, and my spunk is returning. I am sleepy, thanks to the wonders of NyQuil. I am looking forward to another drug induced coma this evening.

I took the boys to Anderson Park with Kam and the twins yesterday afternoon. It was a fun outing, one where Kam got to experience the rough housing of boys. It is like watching a nature program. Girls, see, they tend to greet each other in a much more docile fashion. But when boys start to play, it is like watching lions sparring. They hit, the push, the kick, and all of it is in good fun. It is hard to take when your instinct is to kill anything fucking with your cub, but I have now been around it long enough to know how to only intervene when there is a real issue. I was helping Kam in her boy training. As she points out, Dylan has been around girls most of his young life, so this play ritual is not something she is as accustomed to. Mine were more than happy to ease Dylan into the process, making sure to allow him ample time to be the dominant one and had lots of play falls and humor. It was good for everyone.

Poor Dax was pissy when we left, but honestly, I am getting pretty used to these bouts of anger, and Bobby and I calmly walked to the car with Dax being towed behind me, kicking and screaming. It is times like those in which I truly appreciate how grown up Bobby is becoming. This kid just seems to understand some of these moments. Dax has recently been doubting himself, and Bobby has taken it upon himself, with no coaxing on our part, to show Dax how many things that he can do that Bobby, who is older, cannot. It is super impressive and selfless, and I am so proud of my baby.

Ken and the boys have embarked on Make Mom Happy. They have spent the last few days working on making the house less of a disaster and truly are trying to make the holiday less stressful on me. Their project today is operation playroom, to which I know if I don’t hear from them by around noon, I may need to call in a search party since I have seen the jungle they are tackling.

I did not do exercise yesterday, but today my plan is a light walk. I have also resumed my arm circles. I figure now that my stomach isn’t as mad at me, walking for a couple miles won’t kill me.

Not to sound ungrateful, but what diabetic brings another diabetic a giant tube of chocolate for Christmas? In all fairness, I know I can eat one every now and again, but it is still humorous.

Stephanie loaned me a book, Living Buddha, Living Christ. It is sitting here in front of me, tempting me to read it. I really should never bring books to work. All I want to do is read and do nothing else. Grrr!!

Sick is getting better-but not gone

12-20-11


I think legally speaking I am still asleep.

I think the pains in my stomach need to go away.

Three more days. I need to make it to Thursday at 1:30. I can do it.

I found some Dayquil at my desk. I am hoping that helps the day progress.

No boss today. Ken will bring me the boys around noon thirty to say their hellos.

My pants are falling off. I am bummed only in the idea that I love these pants.

My dad appears to have Celiac disease. His sisters and brother all have it, and were also all diagnosed late in life, when symptoms only just started to appear. Based on this, it is more than likely I will end up having it (or I already do). I am not going to stress about it yet, as I have read that changing your diet to gluten free before you need to is not a good idea. Either way, I think that I am curious enough to experiment with some aspects of gluten free items. I would be curious to keep a log of gluten heavy items and see how my body reacts compared to gluten light.

I lost 2 more pounds. Woo hoo!

Still no exercise with me being sick. I figure it is not a bad thing since I don’t want to over tire myself. Although, I do want to take a little walk tonight.

My tea is too strong. Lame.

Tina Fey is hot.

Dax’s new favorite song is Backstreet Boys-Larger than Life.

I gave a present to a Jehovah’s Witness and didn’t feel bad about it. She even thanked me. YAY!

My bloating from yesterday seems to have subsided. Thank goodness my sick is finally going away.

Ken had a girlfriend in my dream. I ended up being ok with it. Very strange.

I want to drive one of those go carts. I think I can actually fit now.

I want to take the boys to Legoland.

TV Land was trying to fuck with me last night. All of the M*A*S*H episodes recorded were actually The Dick Van Dyke show. Rude.

I like it when sweatshirts have sleeves that cover half your hand.

On Friday, I have a lot of places to go. Stocking shopping, the mall, and other random places. Thank goodness I have the day off.

Alan Alda was on the 30 Rock I watched yesterday. His voice is very soothing, even when he is yelling.

I need to figure out the best outfit to wear for Thursday. It is the Holiday Luncheon, and many of the people there have not seen me since being a skunk. I would like to look good.

I think Dayquil is kicking in. I am sad I only had the one dose.

I want to watch Dogma.

Appetite is still low.

I just got a pretty scarf from Maryann. Yay!

I gave little things to the people in my department and said they were from Bobby and Dax. I wonder what the boys will do when everyone thanks them this afternoon. LOL!

Our voicemail at work is being dumb. It is frustrating.

I feel like throwing up again. Stupid snot.

Crawling back into bed sounds so tempting. Only a few more hours.

Throwing up is not fun

12-19-11


Sick sucks.

Friday afternoon, I got a call from the school. Bobby had thrown up in his classroom. Such a shame, since it clearly came on suddenly. Ken and I had been at the school earlier, helping his class with making cookies. Poor kid.

Bobby was sick all night. Ken sent Dax and I out to go see the lights. We met up with Stephanie, Dave, Sabrina, Kam, Dylan and Taylor to see the lights. It was a fun evening with all the kids. After the lights, we went over and met up with Sean at Denny’s where 4 5 year olds did amazingly well considering how late it was.

Bobby felt a little better Saturday morning, so we opted to go to Grammie’s. Ken got a little sick on the way to his tournament, so all day Saturday, I was terrified that I would be next. Bobby did get a little sick outside Don Jose’s, but the day was good. We got home and I ate light, since I knew it was a matter of time.

At about 3 am, my time had come.

I kind of wish I had eaten more since my entire sick experience was all dry heaves. It was awful. I ended up staying in bed all day Sunday. It was the only place I could be without feeling worse. I slept. I have not slept that much in ages.

My stomach stopped purging around noon. I am still wiped out, though. I had an appetite this morning, and opted to eat something I knew actually sounded good. I got a couple of chicken tacos from Del Taco. I wonder if they were a bad choice, but I am still ok, so I guess this is a good sign.

I don’t know if lunch will happen, though. I have a salad, but my appetite is back to nothing again.

The only plus about being sick is that you don’t eat anything, which I am sad to admit is nice when you are on a diet. LOL!

I still have some shopping to do. I think Ken and I will handle it on Friday night after the lights. The boys are staying at my parents’ house so perhaps we will take advantage of stores staying open late and use some of my Christmas bonus to finish some of the Santa stuff.

As much as it pains me, I will not exercise today. I am still in recovery mode from the sick, so I will try to rest. If anything, perhaps we will take a leisurely walk with the kids and dogs.

I keep getting waves of ick, which are really not fun. I am managing. I will be home soon enough.

Sometimes Awesome is hard to believe

12-16-11


A strange depression is consuming me lately. I have not said anything about it because it doesn’t seem to have any roots, or at least none that I have been able to dig up. I have noticed my twitches being more pronounced lately, too, which is frustrating since I had kept them at bay for a while.

Depression might be too strong a term. This is more like baby blues compared to post-partum.

I have tried to delve into what is causing these emotions. I know that I have been dealing with the self est-demon that still plagues me despite my success in diet and exercise. I made the mistake of wearing a sleeveless top yesterday. I had not recently due to the cold. I looked in the mirror at work as I did my arm exercises and noticed the horrid droopy skin and fat flaps dangling from my biceps. It was disgusting. They looked like my arms were melting. It was this flabby candle wax, dropping off into a pancake shape. I have been doing almost 900 arm swirls a day. How could my arms look so disgusting?

Then I glance down at my gut. It is this pouch of evil, laughing at me. My reflection shows an enormous woman, trying to pull off clothing that she should not be caught dead in. The gray in my hair is more pronounced and I can’t see anything attractive.

When I arrive home, I fall in deeper despair. I see all of the chores that need to be done. I struggle with the boys to get their homework done timely, and correctly. I have to make dinner. I have not decorated the front of the house. There is more shopping that needs to be done. Where will that money come from? The playroom is a disaster area again. Dax is vomiting. Ken seems more interested in what is on his computer than me. My dogs look sad. We have to get sugar cookies. Presents are still not wrapped.

This is just a small sampling of the ticker that runs constantly across my mind. There is no stop. There is only go go go . Even at night, my normally restful sleep has seemed off lately. I can’t get comfortable. My mind is racing. I am getting more frustrated with the constant need from my whole household. Last night, as I was holding Dax as he puked in the toilet, I had to field a question from Bobby about whether or not he could have a fruit roll up, and only when I yelled at him did Ken notice all that was going on. I had to go out to get Dax’s robe from my car, and honestly, it took all that I had in me to not get in and drive off for a while.

I realize I have no business bitching. I am lucky. I have a husband who loves me. Two incredible kids. I have fantastic parents and inlaws and gobs of kick ass friends. I have a good job and despite my diabetes and fat, I am pretty damn healthy. Then why do I feel like a complete failure right now? Why do I feel like I can’t handle it?

This will pass. I am sure it is the holidays and perhaps some of my wacked out hormones still in overdrive from the period last week. Either way, my best way to deal with things is to spit it out in type.

Puke and President

12-15-11


I lost the election.

I am not surprised. I was a write in candidate for president since no one got my paperwork for my nomination of myself. Then, I found out I was running against Mr. Alvarez, the vice principal of the school. He is one of those folks I don’t trust. I feel as though his actions for the school in general are not for the good of the school as much for the good of himself. I was told I had votes, but I don’t know how many. It seemed almost like it was close based on the slight discussion taking place right after the votes were read, but who knows. I know that it would have made more sense for an administrator to bow out of the race once he found out a parent wanted to be involved in the PTA, but like I said, there are politics afoot.

I am ok. Ken is more mad than I am, but I think I am a little relieved only in the idea that my first year in the PTA should probably be spent more like a Jane Goodall member. I need to know what I am up against, and I need to gain their trust as a lowly parent. Then I can kill them all. Oh, wait, that isn’t what Jane did? Oh, right, she lived peacefully with them. Ok, that works, too.

I am the volunteer coordinator. This might be interesting. I am excited to be on board, and I know it will allow me to dip my feet in without getting in over my head.

One of the broads who is heavily involved is a person I don’t trust. She made some snide remark about me being MIA recently. Look, bitch, just because I work to support my family doesn’t mean I am not heavily involved in this school. She looked surprised to see me yesterday while I was helping the kinder classes with their party. I can assure you, no other teachers or office workers were surprised.

The kinder performance and party were a lot of fun. Once again, I showed up early and kind of took over on helping. It was a cool morning. I got to help wrangle kids at recess since I walked the class to the playground after they took some pictures in the auditorium. The class seemed quite pleased with me, and I got to get to know them better.

Poor Dax wanted to show off to me, and in turn ended up getting upset when he didn’t get a turn every time. He was very teary, which the aides assured me was not the norm. I knew it wasn’t. I knew what the cause was, and I was able to diffuse it as much as possible, all the while, hanging out with all the kids.

They sang three songs, which were very cute. Afterwards, we had pizza and other goodies. I passed out pizza, mostly getting help from Mae and Kathy. Thank goodness they were there! We also work well together since we knew each other from pre-k. I am always amazed at other parents. They would come in, trying to get pizza, which I assumed was so they could help pass it out to the kids. Nope. They just wanted a piece for themselves. Plus, they would get annoyed when I didn’t hand them a piece the second they asked for one. It was like dealing with even more 5 year olds. Oh well.

I ended up checking Dax out of school early, and we went home so I could eat lunch and get changed so we could walk back up to the school to get Bobby.

Bobby was all kinds of excited. His class went to the book faire yesterday, and so they were to bring money. Bobby was insistent on using the money he already had. I insisted we give him a couple dollars to bring his total from 8 to 10. This worked well since he found this awesome Star Wars book for $10. He was thrilled. Especially since be bought it himself. I was so proud of him!

Last night was Chuck E Cheese night for the school. It would have been a great night had Dax not gotten sick.

On the way there, Dax was complaining about his stomach hurting. He does this mostly when he has to poop. He was bitching and whining, which has made him our sheep herder and we have stopped caring about the supposed wolf. We stopped at the bank, and Ken just ran in. Something was different about this round with Dax, so I asked him if he was ok. He looked off, and I knew it was not a good thing. He said he felt like throwing up. I bolted from the van and ran around to get him out of the car. I managed to get him out and throwing up in the parking lot. It was a lot of crap. It looked like he puked up all of his party goodies. He also announced he felt better right after. We hoped this meant it was simply a case of too much candy.

Not so much.

He threw up at Chuck E Cheese’s too. He always felt better after and insisted on playing longer. Every 20 minutes, he would get sick. It was an interesting evening. Poor Ken had to deal with the one time where he didn’t make it in time. He mostly got sick on himself, which Ken ended up cleaning up.

Once he was home, he perfected the sprint to the bathroom. His dry heaves were brutal. I have never seen anything over power Dax. This practically crumpled him.

He fell asleep, and we thought we were in the clear. Ken woke me up (poor guy, after a lot of effort, he finally woke me up) to say we had another throw up. Thankfully, this was the last. I know Ken would have woken me up for any more, so I think we were ok the rest of the night. I will hopefully talk to Ken this morning to see if the kid stays home from school.

I am exhausted this morning, since the rest of my sleep was random due to dreams and trying to stay out of deep sleep in case I was needed. My tea is doing its job, thankfully, and I am not quite as zombie like now.

I have been in full exercise mode at my desk this morning. I have already done 400 arm rotations and lots of leg work. I suck in my stomach when I do my arm stuff, so it is kind of like mini sit ups. I lost 6 more pounds, but I still have more to go, so I need to get my ass in gear.

Work announced that we get a 2 week bonus next week. Yay! This is all kinds of good. We can get caught up on some bills. Always a good thing.

I suppose I should get some work done today.

Working

12-13-11


What the hell! I have been busy working since I got in. Not a bad thing, especially since it has made the day go by pretty quickly so far.

I am angry that I did not end up walking last night. I did walk Costco, but I don’t think that counts. Between rain and obligations, yesterday just wasn’t happening. Today I can do a long walk with enough time to still get up to the school by 2:30 for PTA elections. In fact, I may have Ken and the boys meet me there.

I am running for either president or secretary. I am scared. Nervous that I won’t get elected, and nervous that I will. But I love my boys and I think with me being such a huge part of the school, I can help them to have a fantastic grade school experience like I did.

I also will get to do weights today, so that will make me feel loads better.

No boss man today. Thank goodness. He was annoying yesterday.

Tomorrow I will leave early for Dax’s Christmas program. It is a minor one, but I get to go. Depending on when Bobby’s is on Friday, I will try to go. I don’t know, though.

It is way time for a nap

12-12-11


I am exhausted. Sure, I sat on my ass much of yesterday, but I could take some more sleep.

Friday evening was spent doing some Christmas shopping and then going to the AYSO round table meeting. There were only a few people there, and I can honestly say that I don’t know that this board knows that they are getting into by allowing us to be a part of things. They have been there for a really long time, and seem rather set in their ways. I am hoping that some of our fresh ideas will be met with enthusiasm instead of skepticism.

Ken ended up reffing 3 games on Saturday. This left me with the boys to work on shopping. We got a lot done. It was a trying day, though. They were none too pleased with being carted around to various locations for my shopping purposes. They had mostly calmed down by the time we got to the grocery store, but by then my nerves were fried.

Ken got home and it meant I could go on a long walk. However, Dax was super insistent on coming with me. I was not happy with this, but tried to stay positive. He was chatty, and wiped out about half way through the walk, forcing us to come home. I could have kept going, but by this point I was just too annoyed to do anything.

I cut my losses and opted for a nice hot shower. I needed to start getting ready to go to Brandy’s house for her holiday gathering. I felt much better after being clean. Ken was kind enough to make me a couple of pre-party cocktails. Aaron was driving us, so this was all kinds of happy making for me.

The party was good. I ate tofurky and found that it wasn’t bad at all. I consumed a lot of carrots. Turns out when drinking, carrots are super numtastic. Not that I don’t like them normally, but these seemed to be especially yummy. I polished off a crap ton of wine and Aaron and I stayed until he was ready to go. Probably for the best that we didn’t stay too horribly late based on my alcohol consumption.

I got home and proceeded to have a spectacular time with Ken. Ok, I am basing a lot of this on what Ken told me later. I do remember parts of it, but honestly, it has been a while since I can’t remember all of the details like that.

Shortly after the nighttime fun, I got sick. I am not surprised, nor was it truly a big deal. The worst part was the fact that I jumped up out of bed so quickly, I was crazy dizzy and managed to crash into the fireplace. I have some tenderness on my left temple. I have to admit, I was a little confused about the soreness the next morning, but I pieced it all together.

Ken went to a Lego tournament on Sunday, so it was me and the boys again. I managed to sleep in, and despite the hangover, I did pretty well. The boys and I took their school photos to my mom and then stopped at Wallmart to get a book for Bobby’s classroom gift exchange. We also picked up some donut holes since apparently it was Bolt’s birthday.

I opted to treat myself to one of the sure ways to beat my hangover; I got some Taco Bell. We got home and I sent the boys out back to play while I sat and ate and watched 30 Rock. It was bliss.

The boys’ friend, Anthony came over and the three of them ended up playing for like 4 hours. It was really cool. I was able to relax a good part of the day. Then I also did some housework, decorating and present wrapping. Considering what the afternoon could have been, it was actually quite good.

Ken got home at about 6, and the rest of the evening went pretty smoothly. I cleaned the children, including washing their new haircuts, and I even prepped their backpacks with some of the special items I needed to send in.

Sunday was a milestone for Bobby. 2 whole weeks of being dry at night. He was presented with the 4th Carson.

Dax is having some kind of mini performance on Wednesday, so I am going to go down there to enjoy the show. Friday is Bobby’s class party. Mrs Kelly asked if I wanted to come help. Depending on what time it is, I am going to try to go. Ken will go, too, if he doesn’t have a class. They are decorating cookies, so I am sending Bobby in with sprinkles and icing today. I also realize I need to take some money to Mrs. Fasheh.

The weekend coming up includes a trip to Grammie’s, possibly going to a birthday party, and Ken gone again at another Lego tournament. Friday night will be fun with going to see the Christmas lights with some peeps. I just hope people can come.

While we were at Kmart on Friday night, I was pleased when I noted most of the plus size clothing that I am used to looking for was all too big. In fact, I was looking at XL sizing instead of multiple X’s. I found a pair of pants that look pretty decent, so I am happy to have another pair of something that fits.

I need a nap.

Time Duck

12-9-11


I worry about Dax. For being so cocky, he has a very fragile self-esteem lately. Last night he told us all how his little friend told him that he wasn’t smart. This wouldn’t seem like a big deal except that Dax believed him. For the record, his friend is a sweet kid but an asshole at the same time. Poor Dax told us this tale with tears in his eyes and you could tell he really believed these hurtful words.

I feel bad for my little man. He is incredibly smart and talented, but his 5 year old angst is getting the best of him. Between his lack of patience in school and his poor friend choices, he is having a rough time. Thankfully he gets a break after next week. Perhaps we can regroup.

Bobby and I now have an ongoing comedy routine involving this giant cockroach. Ok, in all fairness, I find it way more funny than he does, but he is mostly a good sport about it. On Wednesday, as we walked home from school, there was a large cockroach. It was good sized, in all its creepy glory. I of course got the heebie jeebies and the boys found this endlessly amusing. I then went into this explanation about my freaking out which included pointing out that that bug was eyeing me wrong and would have cut me if the boys were not there. Dax laughed, and Bobby looks at me with disapproving eyes and says very seriously, “Mom, a bug is not going to cut you.”

I continued, discussing the bug’s intentions to shoot me in the toe, and his readiness to fuck me up. Bobby, through muffled laughter, yelled and explained that bugs can’t hold guns and that he wouldn’t ever hurt me. It was an entertaining conversation the whole way home.

Now cut to yesterday. We passed the point where the roach had been and Dax points out that he was gone. I said that he was lucky since I would have had to crush his ass. Bobby gets all playfully annoyed at me and tells me to never hurt a bug. No sooner did he say these words did I notice that the bug was now in front of us. I screamed in laughter and said, “See! See! He heard me! He is going to mess me up!!” Dax could hardly breathe he was laughing so hard. Bobby, once again very stern, says to me, “Mom, are we really going to start this crap again?” I have never had so much fun walking home!

Tonight we are going to an AYSO round table meeting. I don’t think this is the board meeting, I think this is simply just one of those times in which they invite people in our region to come down if they have questions. This also allows board members and people who are involved to hang out and chat about issues. I have been to one, but it was before I had applied for the Treasurer position. I wonder if I will be approved. I don’t know what kind of background check they do. I mean, since I have outstanding student loans, will they say piss off chicky? Or is it just to make sure I have not gone to prison for embezzlement? Either way, I don’t know my status as of yet. Ken is all official now, listed on the web site and everything as U-8 coordinator. I need to get my ass in gear and start taking the financial training classes along with doing the U-8 coaching class.

I hate periods. I am having another fat day. I often worry that my boys will get my image issues, not that I ever let them know when I feel gross. Hell, I walk around the house like I am a model. That being said, I wonder if it is some kind of thing in my genes that might have passed down to Dax. Hopefully it is all just him being 5.

There is no green tea in Keurig form at work right now. I am using old fashioned tea bags. How quaint.

Pop up Video is back!!!!

I am a little excited at the fact that tomorrow morning I can sleep in.

I need to color my hair.

I need to do some shopping.

Ok, I should work.

12-8-11

12-8-11


I need weights at my desk. I want my under desk exercise bike. I want to do two walks tonight.

Dax got in trouble in class again yesterday. Nothing serious, he was just goofing off with his buddy in line and during independent study, he was dinking around. Mrs. Fasheh ended up putting him next to her, and had him do his sentence again. When you look at them, you would think the first one was done by a 2 year old, and the second one by a 7 year old. Night and day to say the least. My kid just needs to do his best, and he is just so excited about this school thing, he doesn’t want to spend time doing things he knows how to do. So for now, rewards are on the table and he can earn them by being good and doing well. Plus, I have him practicing sentences at home with each night of homework. I know he will grow out of this. Bobby did. It is a 5 year old kinder thing.

Oh, and the fact that he is as stubborn as his mother. LOL!

No soccer practice tonight, which I think is a good thing if only because I can take my time in getting these boys motivated on their homework. Plus, I can make dinner instead of drive thru and we can have game night again. Woo hoo!

I wonder if it would be cool to do books on audio while walking.

I hate that it is so cold in the office that I have to wear my jacket all morning. I even have my heater on. I really need those fingerless gloves. Well, and more importantly, I need some sweaters and long sleeve shirts. I don’t own enough, and most of the ones I do are too big. Hopefully I can make it through till Christmas and that I get some fun gift cards so I can update my wardrobe. Woo hoo!

I need to do another sweep of the playroom. Although as much as it seems like there is a lot in there, I think there is less than it seems. I noticed a couple of large bins are Lego only, which really, is not a big deal. But I will go through everything again and toss stuff. I may even get rid of things they might play with. Once again, it will go in the garage to make sure I didn’t get rid of anything they look for soon. Plus, I think if I get rid of a couple pieces of furniture in there, it will be better. Not sure yet. We shall see.

I found an article in the LA Times about these ceremonies in which they bury the cremated remains of people that were never claimed or their families could not afford services. They do this each year. I want to be a part of this. I feel like they should have people there paying their respects. I want to go now to pay my respects to all of the prior years, too.

time off for period behavior

12-7-11


I left work early. I just had to get out of here. I was pretty sure I would have bitten someone’s head off. I am better this morning. Thank goodness!

The tree is up and decorated. The boys put on the ornaments, which was a lot of fun. I am enjoying seeing all the random ones that we are starting to accumulate as a family. It makes our way too sterile looking tree come alive with family.

I am sleepy since I stayed up past my bedtime. It was worth it. I got to watch Love Actually. That flick is seriously still good after having seen it 100,000 times. It is a great kickoff to the holidays, especially being able to watch it under the glow of the Christmas tree.

Is it wrong to wonder if I will ever get the inheritance I was told there was from Virginia? She died over a year ago, and no offense, lady, but I could use the cash for Christmas.

Doug was in my dream a couple nights ago. I have this belief that the dead sometimes talks to me in dreams. Perhaps it is silly, but it is what it is. He didn’t talk to me direct. In fact, he was talking to Elizabeth. He showed her lots of pictures, all of me and our dad and the boys. Pictures I had never seen before. He was wearing odd clothes and he kept telling Elizabeth how he didn’t understand how it all happened. He showed her a picture of himself smiling and he said that he was sure he felt like that but that now he is gone. He was so very confused, which made me sad. I couldn’t talk to him. It was as if I was simply a ghost there.

Bobby has pretty much been able to stay dry. I got him up a smidge later this morning so that I can push back his pee time even more. I am wondering if the next move will be some kind of watch alarm that gets him up at a certain time so he does it on his own. We shall see. Dax on the other hand is nowhere near any kind of breakthrough. He pees at all times, and lots and lots, despite what appears to be no liquids going in, and an empty bladder going to bed. I am starting to wonder if he has a couple of bladders.

Ok, I think I am going to do some work today.

Frumpy Period Time

12-6-11


I really would like to put up my Christmas tree. Hopefully we can get it down before I go to my folks and maybe I can get Ken to light it while we are gone so the boys can decorate when we get back.

I am crampy and it makes me cranky.

The boys and I spent much of yesterday afternoon digging for dinosaurs. Ken had got these cute sets on Woot where it is a slab of dirt that you have to slowly chip away to get to the mini Triceratops at the bottom. It looked cool, but man it was messy. They loved it. While I was in cooking dinner, I just heard the banging of hammer on chisel and lots of laughing and oohs and ahhs. It was super cute. Ken and I ended up helping, but the kids thought this was still cool since they were not as quick at it. All in all, a very fun project despite the dirt and debris on my floor.

I must be PMSing. I am getting annoyed at coworkers already. LOL!

Actually, the worst part about my period right now is the desire to eat. Normally I can handle my munchies, but on these days, I am more itchy to consume. I had a couple of cashews, but sadly they were ones I had left over from an old nut container and they were salted and nasty. I need to get to Target soon!

Glee, I love you but if you are going to insist on covering “Red Solo Cup”, we may need to rethink our relationship.

I was very tempted to go home today, but I think it is best I did not. I figure I have to make it another couple weeks and I get a ton of time off. I am considering a day off once Ken’s classes are done next week so he and I can get some shopping done for the boys, and get things wrapped. We shall see.

Our Christmas luncheon is on the 22nd, and I had already taken that day off. I think I don’t need to be there. Is that wrong? I want to take the boys to the Discovery Cube since they have this huge new Star Wars exhibit, which they will LOVE. I think that sounds like more fun than the luncheon.

I feel frumpy today. Stupid period.

still down a pound!

12-5-11


It was a pretty jam packed weekend.

Saturday was a lot of soccer. Bobby’s team won in the morning, and went on to win in the afternoon. Sadly, this was not the most interesting part of the soccer. The championship game was full of hate and anger and screaming parents. One of them was even me!

Poor John, the head ref, was getting screamed at from both head coaches, when in reality, he made no bad calls. But we had two highly competitive coaches during a championship game, so I suppose it was bound to happen. I was really hoping for a fist fight between the coaches, until they seemed to both decide the better enemy was John, who is an excellent ref and someone who has been doing this for longer than both coaches have been alive. Our coach in particular is a total ass, but holy fuck, the other coach was even worse!!

At one point, one of the moms on the other side was yelling at our parents. Luke’s mom yelled back, essentially telling her to can it. I yelled out at this point telling everyone to calm down and that it was only a game. Mind you, I am one of those parents on the side line that only cheers for the kids, and not just on my team! Hell, after both games, I made a point to go up to the keeper on the other side to tell them how impressed I was with them. And it wasn’t bullshit! So I was done with the parents being so bitchy. What made it worse was that honestly, our side was shockingly quiet this game!

Then I lost my shit.

The coach pulled Bobby for the last quarter. He had already been out one quarter, which meant he was only letting him play one half. There were other kids who had not even been out. I was LIVID. As soon as the coach told him he was out, I yelled to the coach, “Why is Bobby out half the game?” He didn’t hear me. He had walked to the center of the field since there was still drama about the parents all yelling. So I snagged Ken, who was assistant ref, and told him about Bobby. I said it loudly, and I said it angry. I am pretty sure my whole side heard me. I am also pretty sure none of them have ever heard me that pissed. I wonder if this is why no one said goodbye to me. I didn’t care, to be perfectly honest. I was tired of this bullshit treatment. Thankfully, Ken was able to be way more tactful and pointed out to the coach that Bobby had already been out once and that he wasn’t allowed to be out again. The coach had the fucking gall to say he had forgotten. Fucking asshole.

Bobby isn’t the best player, but fuck you buddy if you can’t handle having a couple of players not being super stars. This isn’t fucking World Cup. It is AYSO.

Seriously, I am really glad the boys decided to drive home with Papa Brenan since my screaming on the way home was intense.

One thing we all noted in the games was that really, Bobby is good in goal! Ok, yes, he still gets scared, but he is more into the game. It is like he finally knows where he is supposed to be on the field. He watches the game, and he loves it! Plus, his throws out from when he had the ball were flawless. He took his time, threw it perfectly to another player who was able to go from there. It was great, and what’s even better is that because of this, Ken and I can work with him over next year to really train him in goal so that he has lots of fun next year. We told him this and he was jazzed!

Next year we will have so much fun being that it will be a united front of Brenans on that field. YAY!

Papa Brenan was in town. He watched the games, and then we met up with him for breakfast on Sunday. Saturday night he had some shindig he went to. We went to Dinah’s for breakfast. I splurged and had pancakes, but holy fuck they were nummy. It worked since I didn’t eat until dinner.

Saturday night, Ken and I went with the boys to Cozy’s. We were in the area, and I wanted chips and salsa. Plus, the Razrita was a good calming device from all the yelling earlier in the day. Sadly, you cannot take those home as leftovers.

Ken went and hung out with Aaron on Sunday for his birthday. I spent the first part of the day cleaning up and getting ready for Christmas decorations. Ken will get them down for us today, which means we can get most of it up today, including the tree.

Stephanie and Sabrina came over and then we all headed over to El Nido park to play with the Machados. That was a lot of fun, especially since my new energy levels allowed me to run and play with the kids and not feel like I was hit by a freight train. Plus, get this! I can fit down the giant swirly slide! YAY!!!!! OMG, this was the most fun I have had at a park with my kids I think ever. Plus, I felt like I burned off a lot of pancake.

And seriously, there was this birthday party there at the park that was a whole Harry Potter party that was freaking awesome. Full robes by everyone including parents. Wands and hats and it was fantastic. The kids were running around casting spells and all I wanted to do was join in. Loved it!!!! I need to re-read the series.

I need to get back on track with my exercises. The Wii has been down all week since we had no power cord. We had left it up at the Compound. Oops! No worries. I will start up again today. I weighed in last night after dinner and was happy when I had not gained anything, and had actually gone down about a pound. Not bad! So back to heavy exercise and then I can lose that 9 pounds I want to lose by the end of the year. I think it is way doable!

I think when I go for weight training tomorrow I am going to run the stairs, too. I did some stair running this weekend, and it was pretty cool! I didn’t die, either! Woo hoo!

No blog for a couple days makes for a long ass one today

12-2-11


Lycos cannot chew kibble anymore. We have taken to soaking her food for 24 hours each day. It seems to help quite a bit. If I can avoid it, I do not want to give her wet food. It is nasty stuff, and makes for grody poo and gas.

We got to see Santa! Bobby had his soccer practice last night so Ken dropped Dax and I off at the Target down the street to do some Christmas shopping. Dax managed to pick out presents for Bobby, Sabrina, Dylan and Taylor and even helped me pick out some things for Ken. We were done shopping a little earlier than planned, so we headed out to walk to the practice.

It was freezing out. Dax did not have his jacket and his already whinny demeanor was multiplied by 100. So we ducked back into Target and I got him some hot chocolate. This pleased and warmed him and we set out once again towards the practice.

There in front of us was police cars and the trailer that carried the main man himself. It was Santa!! He was turning into the neighborhood we were headed for. Talk about lucky day! Dax and I broke into a sprint to get over to where he was going. Not an easy task, I might add, being that I had 3 shopping bags, a purse and now Dax’s still piping hot chocolate.

We made it to where they stopped and Dax was thrilled. He charmed Santa’s helpers and told Santa very clearly what he wanted. I was able to snap a picture and I was all kinds of happy. We also found out that they would be in the area for a while, which meant that I could locate the other half of my family so that we could get Bobby on the sleigh.

We headed towards practice and within a few minutes, Ken and Bobby pulled up. I yanked Bobby out of the car and the boys and I broke into a sprint to chase down Santa who was on the move. We caught up with him and Bobby was also able to speak to the Santa clone.

Yes, the clone theory is still in place this year. They know the Santas in the malls or parades are simply Santa clones set out there to help the big man himself who is too busy at the North Pole. Couple that with the occasional “call” from Santa on my cell phone, they are quite convinced that Mr. Claus sees all.

Dax was pissing and moaning about, well, everything. Bobby was getting there, too, and we told them that the second set of candy canes we got from the nice helpers would have to go in their store instead of being desert. Screams and tears, and then my phone rang. Thank you, iPhone for allowing me to be discreet and make my phone ring so I can answer it. I spoke to Santa who said he wanted us to bring back the candy canes since he didn’t like the boys’ attitudes. Silence in the back seat. I convinced Santa to give them another chance, and boy, does that work like a charm.

I may need to set up a Santa network with people. I can text friends and have them call me just so that I can pretend it is Santa. I would totally do the same for them. Elaborate, yes, but magical outweighs all of it.

I am very happy that Tonks has figured out it is a good thing to come hang out with me in the bed. I am equally happy that Monarch seems to have decided she is allowed up there with us. It is a cozy, happy making moment when you have your kitties chilling with you as you watch 30 Rock.

Odd developments on my boob healing. The bruising has finally cleared after turning the entire lower half of my right breast black, blue and yellow. There is still the bump that they messed with, which I don’t remember being as pronounced before the procedure, but clearly it was bruised from being violated with a needle. In the last few days, it seemed more solid, and a little sore. So yesterday, I was checking it out, and as part of my standard check, I did a quick discharge squeeze. Dark red blood. It was a tiny drop, and that was it. But I can tell you, it was alarming. I was unable to duplicate it, and decided this was the stuff that she said might happen after the procedure.

I wasn’t able to get it out of my head, though. I walked up to get the boys and even when I got back, my mind was on my boob. As Bobby was doing homework, I thought I would check again, this time showing Ken and the boys what I found. I got another tiny droplet of blood, and the boys cringed in horror. Ken said I might call the doc, but he agreed that it was probably nothing to worry about.

This morning, in my checking, I noticed the lump was way smaller, and less tender. Is it possible that I aided in some healing? I don’t know, but I will keep an eye on it. I like being ok, and I so don’t need some other issue with my boob.

I have organized a light seeing night. I invited some people to see if they wanted to come see the lights with us on the 16th. I hope some, if not all, can make it. I like the idea of having a group of people to celebrate holidays with us. Perhaps as my house gets more organized, I can start having more parties. We still plan on a winter movie night, but I still need to get a good fire pit.

Bobby’s last game(s) are tomorrow. He plays at 9 am, and if he wins, he plays again at 1. I am pretty excited, but it is bitter sweet. I will kind of miss soccer days. Yes, it is a busy time of the year, but it has been fun. Next year will be even better what with them on the same team that we are in charge of. I already started work on paperwork such as the welcome letter and mapped out financial obligations. We have learned a lot from these past couple years, and I think that we will be able to try some new things to see if they work.

Sweet! I just made $50 for doing some pretty basic stuff. Look, I will take what I can get. It all goes to Christmas shopping. I got $100 from work since they ended up giving me AMEX cards instead of a restaurant voucher for my Halloween prize. I was excited about that since it allowed me to shop last night.

We will do Christmas decorating and house cleaning on Sunday. When we put in my new desk, Ken’s old desk threw up all of its contents in the entry way. I can’t stand it when there is stuff along that wall. I have decided it needs to be fixed this weekend or else Christmas decorations will be too cluttery. Time to get to work!

Ok, I am making my own list for Santa:

I would like the Just Dance game-the all Abba addition

I would like a bike (there is an AWESOME one at Target)

I want gift cards to places I can get fun shoes and fun socks

Victoria’s Secret lotion/body mist in Love Spell, Amber Romance and Vanilla Lace

Death Hag calendar

Arm warmers



I am sure I have more things, but these are what come to mind right now.

I want to get new collars for my cats. I want to get new ones for my dogs, too. I know, there is no reason, but I just like to make them pretty. I need to wash my dogs this weekend. Man, that sounds wet.

I am very proud of my favorite contestant in Miss Double D. Her talent is spelling, and I was worried for her. However, this morning, with each word she spelled, she stripped down out of her school girl outfit. Strong!

I am looking at my find a death calendar and I am noticing that there was actually a dude named Slim Pickens. Awesome! Although, less awesome that I didn’t realize this before today. Bad, Gena!

Dax is still convinced that Donkey Kong is actually Don King Kong. I really wish I had some skills in Photoshop.

My kids are really cute.

My husband is really cute.

My cats are really cute.

My dogs are really cute.

My snake is really cute.

My rats are really cute. Ok, well, Ratticus is looking a hint rough, but she is still cute.

Random thoughts from me are pouring out on to the screen.

Dax scolded me for scolding him on how he writes his name. He was “signing” his homework to day he did it, and I have to sign it, too. He looks at my horrid signature which at this point is a capital G followed by a long line. I had made him re-do his own name, so in the spirit of teaching, I re-did my name, too.

I had planned on not being at work on the 22nd, but that is the day of our Christmas luncheon at work. I may need to stick around, or just come for that since there are prizes. That is how I won my little net book. I am considering letting the boys use that. I want to set them up with a computer. They need to practice. For such a geeky family, they are not on there enough.

Mr. Customer, it does not impress me when you email me to let me know the following reasons you didn’t send payment: 1) You were out deer hunting, 2) You didn’t put enough postage on many of your envelopes, and lastly, 3) You noticed this 4 weeks AFTER you said you mailed it the first time? What a fucking idiot.

Times are tough. So many customer are pulling out some truly bullshit worthy excuses.

I am going to make my chicken noodle soup this weekend. Yum!

Hee hee! I ordered a copy of They Might Be Giants-Istanbul (not Constantinople)-Brownsville Mix off of Amazon this morning. I won’t get it for a few weeks, but seriously, I am ok with this! I love this goofy remix and I can’t wait!

No Christmas program at the kids’ school this year. I am super bummed. I love watching the kids all dressed up, singing their little hearts out.

I am doing my arm exercises every 45 minutes or so at my desk. 100 total spins each time. I don’t know if this will do anything, but it can’t hurt. I also hold in my stomach while I do it. It is like baby sit ups for my gut.

Oh! I also want the mini bike for under my desk.

I sound worse than my kids!

I wonder if the company is giving out bonus checks this year. And if so, will they surprise us with them before Christmas, or will we get them after the holidays?

Ok, I really need to get out of this journal.

Not suitable for general consumption

I wrote a blog this morning. I feel it is too pissy so I didn't want to post it this morning. Sorry!

Planning

11-29-11


I have Christmas planning to do! I need to figure out when to go see the Christmas lights. I want to throw a holiday party (this may actually happen after the holidays as I still need a fire pit). I want to make Christmas cookies! Then there are things like decorating and having the boys write their Santa letters this weekend. I am not counting shopping yet. That tends to actually be less stressful than it should be. That may be because I have no money and when you only buy a few things, shopping takes way less time.

My walking log won me a $25 Nike Gift Card. Woo hoo! It means I can put it towards some cross trainers, which is very happy making. I also have a $50 AMEX card and a $50 Olive Garden card coming my way. Those were from my Halloween costume win.

I am wearing a dress today I have been unable to zip up in ages. It is a 24, and a little big in places. I am quite proud. I am also rockin my gravity wedges. Those are the ones that made me realize the law of gravity is a very real thing when they tossed me to the ground.



Once again, I am bored with my hair. I have been considering bangs. Really, it is the only interesting thing I am ok with since I am growing it out, so cutting it short is out of the question. I also really like my color choice of late, so no wacky hue for me. I will most likely do nothing, but I get itchy!

I had funky dreams. Goosh was hit by a car and Ken somehow was injured by the same car. Goosh didn’t make it, but I had to take Ken to the hospital. He had his whole stomach open. It was awful. I pushed him around in a wheelchair from floor to floor in the hospital, trying to get him help. Everyone kept telling us to go somewhere else. Then at some point my foot was all cut up. That is the only thing I can explain since IRL my silly Monarch was attacking my foot.

There is something to be said about tanless skin. My boobs look creamy!

I am thinking I am going to need to take some basic geometry courses just to keep up with Bobby’s homework. I am so stupid when it comes to that. Thankfully, I was able to just have Bobby do two days’ worth of English and will let Ken work on shapes and crap with him today.

I was so excited last night! I made roast beef sandwiches, and both boys gobbled them up. Bobby also had a salad. We had gone to the store and he has been bugging me to get him the Chinese chicken salad he had for his feast at school. So we picked out some dressings, and luckily, he liked both. He had a salad with one of them and he loved it. It was an exciting dinner since it was an easy meal, that I love, and that they seemed to enjoy. Woo hoo!

Despite 3 cups of tea, I am still rather sleepy this morning. I was clearly spoiled with my minor amount of sleeping in over the weekend.

The turkey weekend

11-28-11


What a fab weekend. I had lots of wine, lots of down time, and really, only a minor amount of complaints.

We got to the Compound around 9:30 on Wednesday night. We would have been there sooner, but we met up with Andy and Scott at Target for a few things in Auburn. It was still early enough that the boys could run around a bit and get out some energy before it was time to get some sleep.

Turkey day was good. I got in a nice walk with Bobby. Normally I am antsy when it comes to the big meal since it seems like the day takes forever. I was shocked with how quickly it was dinner time. The boys happily ate turkey, but mostly seemed indifferent to the other options. I didn’t mind too much. Especially since they were far more interested in running around with their cousins.

I spent a great deal of time listening to Sandy tell me about her issues with Liam and PTSD from 9/11. I felt a little bad that I didn’t help clean up, but I also was on glass of wine number 3, so it didn’t matter too much.

Friday gave me lots of walking and we also cut down the Christmas tree for the house. That was a lot of fun! Nothing better than picking out a tree that is on your own property. The boys had so much fun with it!

Saturday gave us the Muppets, which was brilliant and fantastic and so freaking happy making. I did also have to have Bobby work on some classwork that Mrs Kelly gave him to do since we pulled him out of class early on Wednesday, but it was amazing to watch him slam through parts of it with such ease. Sometimes I forget that he knows a lot of things.

We got on the road by 8:30 on Sunday morning. We didn’t get home until about 7. It was a long drive, but it was fun. We took the 99 instead of the 5 and also took some back roads to avoid traffic. We were able to keep moving, which made it less awful feeling.

When we were about 2 hours out, I was texting with both Andy and Scott, who were both rather drunk and we joked around and had so dang much fun. I was crying from laughter and it was a nice distraction from the grapevine traffic that normally freaks me out.

I worry I gained a few pounds from my less strict holiday diet, but I am not going to weigh myself for now, concentrating on getting back on track and getting some good exercise in. I may start walking to the school as soon as I get home, and perhaps just take a longer route to get there so I can walk a little more.

Saturday is Bobby’s last soccer day. We have a game at 9 am, and if he wins, one at 1. Either way, it is the last day. It is a bittersweet feeling.

I am too distracted for some reason this morning, so I am not making any sense. LOL!

Papa Brenan has suggested I write a book kind of how I write my blog. He said I could pick some particular events and make that my story. I may need to consider this.

Turkey Day!

11-23-11


Cancer free!!!

I never realized the power in those two words. Sure, I may have been overly worked up, but when you have doctors looking solemn and crud coming out your boob near an unidentifiable lump, things get a little grim in your head. Thankfully, the nurse who spoke to us Monday morning said there was no cancer before she even closed the door behind us. Clearly she understood dramatic pauses were not necessary in her line of business.

We were there for really only a few words, a quick flash of my breast and for some literature to be handed out. We were out the door, with smiles and sighs of relief within about 10 minutes. It was a glorious morning!

I have fibrosis breast disease. It sounds icky, but in reality, it just means my non dense breasts will occasionally be plagued with these sorts of lumps and abnormalities. It does mean that I will probably be privy to more biopsies in my future if only so that my doctors can be sure each new lump that doesn’t go away is benign and trouble free. It also means because of this, my boobs by the time I die will be filled to the brim with the little metal coils they will inject after each of these. Neat!

After the triumphant news, we walked from the breast center over to the main hospital to visit our friend, Yasmine and her new addition, Jonah. She had the baby a couple days ago and we figured since we were in the area, we could drop in. It was a wonderful visit. I got to hold the squishy, with my rocking coming back to me like the mommy version of riding a bike. He is only something like 6 pounds, and truly beautiful. Such a sweet face. Yas looked amazing, and seemed truly happy with this whole experience, which was nice to see.

Ken and I then opted to use the gift card presented to me from Bobby’s team. It was $25 from Chili’s so we went for an early lunch, which was very nice. Nothing better than a lovely meal with my husband sans kids.

We are pretty much ready to leave today. With the boss out, it clears the way for me to leave here early. I think I will bail by 9:30 or so. We will pick up the kids early and head out. This way we get up to the Compound before it is midnight. Heck, if we can leave by noon, we can probably get there by 8 pm, which is a good time!

With that in mind, I should work on some of the papers on my desk so that when I return Monday, I can begin Christmas decorating. Woo hoo!

Results coming soon

11-21-11


Biopsy results day. I am nervous. It may explain why last night at about 10:30, I was abruptly woken with a horrible stomach ache and I found myself in a cold sweat on the bathroom floor, sure I was about to hurl.

Luckily my weekend was much better than last night’s issue.

On Friday, I left work due to how much pain I was in. I was so very tired. I went to the school and got to help out Bobby’s class with their Thanksgiving feast. It was seriously so wonderful. Most of the teachers and parents ended up sitting around eating, while I entertained the kids and made sure they all had enough food. I was in heaven. It was Bobby’s class along with the Special Ed class. I even saved the day by taking pictures for everyone involved, and I burned a disc and had it back to Mrs. Kelly that day. Two awesome notes from the event were that Bobby told me that all of his friends said I was awesome, and one of the little boys told another teacher in a very excited voice, “She called me sweetheart!” This is why I love my life.

Ken and I got to go see Harold and Kumar. We just went to the mall and ate there and saw the flick there. It was perfect, really. I was pleased that Spencer gifts is back with gobs of awesome things, which means guess where I am doing all my Christmas shopping this year?

The movie was fun. Yes, it was goofy and crude, but it made me so happy to be seeing those characters again. I was shocked at the two families there that brought their kids, one who was about 10 and another younger. It’s ok, kids, please enjoy the images of penis on the screen. Sigh.

I went and got the boys in the morning and we then ran over to the store to get supplies for my pasta. I did some cleaning of the house while it cooked. I also got to take a much happy making shower. 48 hours with no shower from a rather traumatic event is a long ass time.

Dax’s party was fun. Very mellow. The kids played, we all ate. One of the moms ate my pasta and her husband said this was one of the only times he has seen her finish a portion of pasta, which meant she loved it. Yay me!

Sunday was nice due to all the cold and rain. It was cool since I was able to work on laundry all day. I even managed to pack for the boys for the trip. I pulled out some of my clothes, too. I need a few more things, and then I need to put them all in the suitcase. I am trying to pack light since Ken wants to bring back this sewing table I believe his grandmother owned. This means we will have less room in the van than normal. If I can keep the bags to a minimum, we will be better off.

I am guessing these next couple days will be long. We leave for the Compound right when we pick up the boys from school on Wednesday.

Last night was Bobby’s soccer party. It was chaotic on many levels. Our lanes were late, it was loud, it was crowded, but all in all, the kids had fun which is all that mattered. The team brought me flowers and a gift card for my help. The coach gave Ken and I each Starbucks gift cards. The real lame part of the party was that someone stole Ken’s shoes. Can you believe that? Who fucking steals shoes? They are not even fancy ones. So Ken had to walk to the car barefoot in the rain. I can assure you that we will email a nasty letter to the management.

I wonder if the kids get homework this week.

I am down to 266. I am shocked and excited. I am going to kick this fat right in the ass. I think my end of year goal was to be at 250 by Dec 31. I will be stepping up my game a bit.

Ok, I need to finish up some loose ends before I get my results. I have to remember to breathe.

The Biopsy

11-18-11


I got to the center around 7:15. I walked up to the automatic doors, and they didn’t open. Another patient was there, too, and we both just assumed the office didn’t open until 7:30. We stood there for a few minutes when one of the receptionists came up to try to open the door by jumping up in down in front of the sensor. Turned out, their door had been having problems. Their phone system had also been down since the prior day. These technical difficulties did nothing to help calm my already frayed nerves.

I was called in pretty quickly. I suppose with only 2 patients in the place, it really should not take that long, but it still surprised me.

The tech who came to get me was cheerful. She was happy and smiling and she seemed like she had a similar sense of humor. For the first time in this ordeal, I felt a little more relaxed. She went through all the paperwork, while we swapped stories about idiot patients and past medical adventures.

The first step was an ultrasound. She wanted to make sure they could find the same spots that were found before. I have to say I was torn. I kind of wanted them to not find them so they could say I was free to go. On the other hand, it seemed like a waste to go through all of this for nothing.

Spots were located and the doctor performing the procedure came in. She was a little more quiet than my awesome tech, but still cheerful and super nice. Why couldn’t these have been the ladies I had earlier in the week? Then again, I am happy to have had them for this instead of the possibility of having them for the first part and getting the mean team yesterday.

I had no idea things would progress so quickly. As I was lying back on the table, not in the stomach down position I kind of hoped for, I was covered and prepped for the procedure. Next thing I know, they were wiping me down with alcohol and then injecting me with Lidocane.

The doc was hoping that by injecting the Lidocane into the cells themselves that it would show on the ultrasound as swirling, which would mean it was liquid instead of solid material. She then would only have to suck out the fluid instead of a biopsy. Sadly, this did not work.

The doc really wanted to save me from any undue boob violation. She had also hoped to only sample one of the spots, but as she looked further, she determined it was necessary to sample both. I appreciated her attempts, though.

The Lidocane injection was a very slight pinch. I barely felt it. I felt my breast numbing up. It was a strange sensation to say the least. It kicked in quickly. As she put in the device for the biopsy, she was also using the ultrasound to guide her. I looked a couple of quick times at the image, seeing the needle roaming around in there. It was tough to watch, so I mostly looked at the ceiling.

I am glad my parents described the biopsy my dad got on his liver. They told me about this loud pop sound that the machine did. The doc warned me 5 seconds before the pop, and I laughed to myself that now my dad and I were pop buddies. I had way more pops, though. I would say about 10 per spot. The pop came with a quick push on my boob. It didn’t hurt, but it was unsettling for the first couple.

She told me she was going to work on the second spot, and I honestly was shocked that she was done with the first spot. This is how quickly this was going. I would say from start to finish, the whole procedure took maybe an hour.

What was also shocking was how much blood there was. Since they cover everything except the area they are working on, and since the area they are working on was hard to see the way I was lying down, I had no idea what was being put in or what was coming out. At one point, the doc lifted some gauze and I was surprised to see so much blood. At the end, my tech also had to apply pressure to the area to stop the bleeding. This was the most painful part of the whole morning. She was pushing quite hard, and it was tender. Lidocane can’t help everything.

They put some steri strips on the area with instructions that I am not to shower for 48 hours or to remove the strips for 1 week. Other than that, I didn’t have any large bandages or covering.

When the biopsy was done, I was finally able to check my phone which had been buzzing away in my pocket. The texts from Ken looked like he was still at his doctor appt. So I quickly texted him back to tell him I was done. I couldn’t do any more than that since I then was ushered off to another waiting room with other women clutching their belongings against their chests, each of them in an oversized gown. I still had to have a mammogram. They wanted an image of what they did, along with I am guessing shots of the two metal coils they put in my breast. These were put there in order for all future images to mark where I had this biopsy. It was only two quick scans, so it didn’t take long at all.

I walked out of the doc’s office, a little dazed when I noticed Ken there. I instantly felt awful. He had not been in his doctor’s office since 8:45 like the text said. In fact, he had been in this waiting room. Granted, he would not have made it on time to be there with me, but I still felt bad that I didn’t realize this. I fought back tears as I tried to explain to him what happened. He wasn’t mad. He never yelled. I just felt like I had failed him.

We got home and I could tell I was off. I was fighting period hormones, pain and just the exhaustion that comes with something so big being over. As the Lidocane was wearing off, I could feel different movements becoming more painful. I iced every hour while watching some Glee.

I walked to the school with Ken to get the boys. I know I didn’t have to, but I wanted to get up and I didn’t want to be alone. We walked slowly, and it was nice since we were able to talk a bit. He told me that he was thinking about what I had said about his demeanor when I am having anything medical done. He tends to act like a caged animal when I am being examined. He paces, he growls, he is agitated. Nothing pleases him in these situations. He determined that yes, he is like that, but only because he realizes that he really doesn’t know what he would do without me. It was incredibly sweet and I was so happy to hear these words.

Ken took the boys with him to class, which left me at home by myself. As time passes, my boob was getting more and more angry with me. I iced, I rested, I iced, I rested. Finally it was time to head over to Bobby’s practice.

During practice, Dax and I hung out in the car. It was way too cold to sit outside, and it allowed Dax to sit and play Angry Birds while I watched 30 Rock. Seriously, yay technology.

I was getting very emotional. Dax was cranky and pissy at times, which I just had no patience for. Sure, he and I were laughing at things, too, but our stubborn sides were certainly butting heads.

We headed over to Lucky Strike after practice. I had to put down the deposit for our party on Sunday. I couldn’t hold my purse on my right side, which blew. I was tired, I was weepy and just losing my mind. It was awful!

Ken took the kids and they went and got dinner and let me drive home. I appreciated the silence, but I then felt lonely. I called my mom on the way home to update her on the biopsy and the conferences with the boys’ teachers.

By the time the boys went to bed and I was ready for bed, I was crying freely, laughing at it a bit, and I just felt worn down. When I crawled into bed, I was shocked at how comfortable I was despite the pain and sadness. It didn’t take long to sleep. I wish I was still there, but I opted to suck it up for a couple of hours this morning at work since I am only staying till about 8:30. I am going to help out at Bobby’s class this morning.

Speaking of parent/teacher conferences, those went quite well. Dax knows all of his wall words and is one of only two who have colored their whole rainbow. Mrs. Fasheh also told us that he is already blending and just seems to get it all so quickly. Her only complaint, which is super valid, is that he rushes through things like coloring or writing. He gets messy. It is almost as though he is bored with this part. There may be truth to this. So we will be working with him on some challenges along with his homework like creating sentences with a bunch of flash cards and then letting him practice writing them.

Mrs. Kelly said Bobby was a “neat kid”. You could tell she was quite fond of him. She showed us a lot of his work, which included all of his math tests. All 100%! Woo hoo! She said he was a good reader and his emotions have been in check more. He is keeping up fine and doing well. Her only complaint was, wait for it, he rushes through writing. Yes, his penmanship was also poor. He writes really nice, when he takes a little time. But in class he tends to get distracted easily and then rushes on his work. Bobby is a daydreamer. Not a big deal. He just likes to be engaged, and I am guessing he just isn’t always interested in certain things. He has lots of ideas and it is distracting.

I am quite pleased with their reviews. It means they are smart, energetic and well liked. They need improvement, which I always love to hear on reviews. I hate reviews that say the kid is perfect. It just isn’t possible, and kids and people always have room to grow. I like to know these things.

I have a vicodin in my system and 5 cups of green tea. I feel like Bernie from Weekend at Bernie’s. There must be someone just propping me up somewhere because I don’t know that I feel anything, yet I am still moving.

I am hoping to bail here before the boss comes in. I have a reasonable excuse to leave, but I still feel bad.

Date night tonight. The boys are spending the night at Gramma and Poppy’s and Ken and I are going out to see Harold and Kumar. I am crossing my fingers that somehow HR will finally give me my restaurant voucher before I head out so that I can use it tonight, but I don’t see it happening. Even if we just eat at home, though, I am happy with the alone time with my husband. This weekend looks busy. I have to make a casserole tomorrow morning for Dax’s party and then Bobby has his party on Sunday afternoon.

I also have to pick up trophies today. I am beat!

I did get my new desk in place, though. I feel like an important executive. It is huge! Ken cleaned out the area to put in his desk and mine. Yes, we have all of that stuff now to put away, but this forces us to go through it. We have been cleaning out so many closets and junk piles. It has been a good thing. That will probably take up other parts of the weekend, along with laundry so I can pack for Thanksgiving.

I am hoping sleep is in all of this somewhere, too.

Tune Up

11-16-11


There are certainly a lot of positives to losing weight. Things you probably take for granted when you are smaller. Just tying my shoe is so much easier now. I also noticed I wasn’t as winded when I walked up the stairs. Yay!

Tomorrow is my biopsy. 7:30 am I need to be at the Breast Center. I have been told I lie on my stomach with my boob sticking out a hole in the table and they work on me like a car. Seriously, I don’t know if I will be able to sit still if this is the case since I will be laughing too hard.

I leave work at around noon today. Picking up the boys early since it is parent/teacher conference time. I have conferences for both of them at 1:20 and 2:30.

My blood sugar dipped crazy low yesterday afternoon. It went down to 52. I had only taken one pill in the morning. This was at 2:30, after a vigorous walk. I had salad for lunch, but no snack. I did snack on an apple after this, and some almonds before I did my weight training. But then after all that, it went up to 113. I also started my period which I know can complicate things, so I am not worried, but it annoys me. It was 109 this morning, but back down to 90 after a Metformin, 3 cups of tea and a light chicken sandwich.

Crud. A morning meeting awaits me. Never fun. Thank goodness I dressed well.

gray matter

11-15-11


I have to have a biopsy.

I went in for my mammogram yesterday. It was not what I expected, but it was interesting. The room was much more cozy than I had expected. The machine was funky looking, but not intimidating at all. I had to place my boob on this slab. And not just a little of the boob. She pulled and tugged to make sure every ounce of boobage was placed on the board. I always thought my boobs looked pancake like when flat like that before. Now take 28 pounds of pressure in the form of this clear plexi-glass thing on top of it. Who knew it could get so flat? Yes, I was told to hold very still for those pictures. I kind of held my breath, but honestly, it wasn’t that bad. The nurse even told me I did awesome for my first time. It wasn’t painful in the least. Not comfy, either, but at least I didn’t scream as the nurse told me I was allowed to do. BTW-note to nurse, it is never a good thing to inform a patient before a procedure like this that you are allowed to yell out in pain. I swear, I was expecting them to hit my boob with a hammer or something. On second thought, it did make it less than expected, so perhaps this was the plan.

After the mammogram, they told me I would be able to do the ultrasound in that building instead of having to wait a couple hours to go to another. Yay! Ken was able to come in for this one. The tech, along with most of the staff there, were cold and bitchy. We were asking some pretty standard questions, and tech lady just kept telling us to wait for the doctor. Yet she was dolling out medical advice. The first of which was that I should not be squeezing my boob. Look, lady, if it was mastitis, I was expressing what crud was in there, which my other doc said was fine. I wasn’t doing anything rough. I breast fed for a total of 30 months. I think I know how to take care of my boobs. She was really pissy about it, too. I tried to stay chipper, though, since let’s face it, I didn’t want her missing something because I pissed her off.

The doc came in and re did part of the ultrasound. She was concerned about what she saw. In the one duct, where you could feel the lump on the outside, there was what she said looked gray on the image. It should not look gray. She showed us other, good ducts. This gray could be nothing. It could be debris like blood from the original infection, or it could be some kind of growth. The problem is, we won’t be able to tell what said substance is without a better test. She decided a biopsy was the best route. It would be able to remove some actual tissue so that they can test it thoroughly.

They were supposed to call me yesterday afternoon to schedule the appt for this week, but I have not heard back. I need to call them this morning when they open. I am hoping to have it done Thursday.

I don’t know how I feel about all of this. All of yesterday, I was pretty upbeat about it, figuring that really, I am just getting answers. This is a good thing, right? Then I made the mistake of reading through the required packet they give you. It is entitled “A Woman’s Guide to Breast Cancer Diagnosis and Treatment”. Breast cancer? I don’t have that. At least, we don’t know that for sure. Hell, this is probably something else, right? This is why I am doing this test, to figure out that it is nothing. Still, it is kind of scary. What if this is cancer? It can’t be a good one since I had the crap coming out of my boob. Symptoms of breast cancer include bloody discharge and a strange lump. Fuck!

I am not in full panic mode yet. I figure I am kicking diabetes in its ass, why not do the same to cancer, right? But it isn’t cancer yet. It is probably just a nasty case of mastitis gone awry.

Can you see how my brain goes stupid?

I had to leave a message for my appt. Sigh. I just want it scheduled so I know.

I think my mom was pretty freaked out when I told her.

So needless to say, I am more twitchy than normal today.

Of course, that could be the tea talking.

My dress doesn’t fit right anymore. Yes, there is cool about that since it means I am still losing weight. But I don’t have the money to buy new clothing!

Also, to really understand how crazy the mind of a hypochondriac, self-esteem issue chick, check out this thought I had: What if I am only losing weight because I am sick?

I have not told the boys that I get to have a giant needle shoved in my chest as of yet.

I did enjoy sitting in the kitchen with the boys last night, each of them taking turns on this stool as I applied Star Wars tattoos on them.

I cleaned out my old desk last night, getting ready to replace it with my new awesome desk. It is huge, which seems wrong to make Ken have this tiny desk, but I think I will live. Sorry, babe! LOL!

I can’t believe it is almost Thanksgiving! Holy crap!

Ok, my overthinking head is on overdrive. Rather than allow it to spew more, I will close this.

soccer and parties

11-14-11


I am only here for a bit this morning. I am heading out to my mammogram and ultrasound. I am pretty confident that they will not find anything, especially since the discharge had mostly gone away. But it doesn’t hurt to make sure.

Friday night was so much fun! It was Dax’s last practice, which was a parents vs Dinosaurs scrimmage. I loved every minute of it. Bobby even played! He was on the kids’ team along with Ed the coach. The rest of us parents played against them. One of the dads was a bit too competitive, but it was all good. I could tell the boys had a blast and I know I wished it would never end.

I heard the rain Friday night, and slept with my fingers crossed. I woke up to what did look like cloudy skies, but dry ones. YAY!!!! We went down to the field early so that we could help with set up and Ken had a game to ref before our games started at 10:30.

I hung out with Fred, who is the commissioner of our region. He and Jim, another coordinator and member of the board chatted it up with me about ideas for the region and they both seemed pretty pleased that Ken and I were becoming so involved. They are super nice and I look forward to working with them. It should be interesting to say the least.

We lucked out by claiming the U8 field next to the U6 field, which meant even though the boys played at the same time, I could spin around and see both games. Ed was awesome and had me on the sideline instead of the field so I could watch both games. He even cheered on Bobby, who was in goal for the time he was in the game. Don’t even get me started on how pissed I was that Bobby was one of 3 players who had to sit out for half the game. We had too many players, so yes, 3 of ours would need to sit out an extra quarter, but this would be the second time Bobby has had to, and he didn’t get to play the whole second half. Not pleased.

Dax’s game was fun. They did really well, tying the team that slaughtered them last time. Dax was on fire and had a lot of fun. I am telling you, I am so going to miss this team. The boys are total sweethearts, the parents are really nice, and I couldn’t have asked for a nicer coach. He even gave Ken and I the bag of his soccer balls he had planned on turning back in to the region. He said that this was his way of encouraging us to coach next year. Awesome!

We hung out the field after the games since Ken reffed another game. It worked out ok since Bobby and Dax played with Ryan, who is on Bobby’s team. His dad, the coach, was reffing another game. I hung out near the game, occasionally looking over at the three of them playing. At one point, Dax came back and said Ryan was pushing too much. I told him he could hang with me. It was at this point, I watched the ‘game’ Ryan and Bobby were playing. It was standard boy rough housing, but it was something my kid is not accustomed to. There were body slams and wrestling and what not. But then it turned bad. Ryan grabbed Bobby’s arms and pulled them behind his back. Ryan then proceeded to drop Bobby to the ground, his face slamming into the dirt. I knew it would not go well. I hurt just watching it. I started walking quickly over to them as I could see my child crying. I told Ryan, who only continued asking Bobby in a rather insincere way whether he was ok, that he was being way too rough with Bobby. I told him he wasn’t used to this. I don’t know that Ryan knew what he had done. He almost seemed like he thought he might be in trouble. I wasn’t really mad at Ryan. I was annoyed, but not mad. This is how he plays with his friends and more importantly, his own dad. It was not our way. Plus, in all fairness, Bobby was having fun until this point. I did leave them to play more, and it seemed ok, but I kept an eye on it the rest of the time.

Sunday was mostly filled with birthday party fun. We went to the Machado’s twins’ birthday party. It was at the park near their house. It wasn’t huge, which worked well. Stephanie and Sabrina also came, and the kids all bounced a lot, ate pizza and seemed to just have a good ole time. We stayed until the end, even going over to their house after to watch Dylan and Taylor open their presents. I knew the kids were hopped up on sugar and would crash hard, so we wanted to keep them going for the next couple hours.

We had to go pick up a new desk for me, so Ken dropped us off at my folks’ for a bit and he went to get my new desk. They played for a while, which was better than sitting around. We then headed home, where we found only one of the coolest houses ever. Sigh, I need to play that lottery.

We took a walk with the boys riding scooters. It was a good way to burn of the remaining energy we all had. We had considered going to the grocery store, but it was late, and we wasted time checking out the house built in 1915 that called to us.

So now I am faking small talk with my coworkers. I am much to pre occupied with the million things I need to do to really care about what they are chatting with me about. Sad, right? Oh well. It is only for a little bit this morning. I figure I leave in a couple hours. It should be all good.

These boots are made for walking!

11-11-11


Let’s start with the diabetes news.

My doc was quite pleased. She was impressed with the weight loss and tickled that at least one of her patients actually listened to her about changing their lifestyle. She regaled Ken and I with a couple of stories of idiot patients that insisted that they did not need to adhere to a more healthy lifestyle, and would not even consider some simple ways to improve their diabetes when it came to reducing sugar intake. She also seemed quite amused at my description of bananas, which is a food she seemed to also detest. She also enjoyed Ken’s logic on fruit peeling, which included trivia on what the correct way to unpeel a banana and an orange.

She said that most people don’t end up reducing their meds. I on the other hand warranted it. She asked about my 80 readings which were prevalent in the afternoons. I pointed out that this was when I exercise, and yes, I tend to need a snack in order to ensure it doesn’t dip too low. She said I should go ahead and not take the lunch time pill. She kept my prescription at 3, just so I had wiggle room. She said if for some reason I had a huge lunch for some reason, I could take a pill just to be sure. I like having the extra meds since it means I will not run out.

I do not need to go back until. March, at which time I will do my A1C’s again and she will also check my cholesterol again, which should be cool. I am hoping to have lost another 35 pounds by then, if not more of course.

Now the unsure news.

We went down to the doc for my boob. She said it was good I came in. The discharge was concerning. Not because it was there. In fact, she was impressed that I had assumed it was mastitis and liked that I used the heat compress along with draining the breast. This is what one would do if they were breast feeding. However, since this did not seem to make it all go away, and there was blood present in the discharge, it seemed to her that we should ensure it wasn’t an abscess. Plus, blood could in fact me a cancer symptom. She didn’t expect this to be the case, but we all would rather check than let it go. She took samples of the secretion and she scheduled me for a mammogram and ultrasound which will take place on Monday. They were hoping to get me in yesterday or even today, but they were pretty swamped. They still might call me today, but it is doubtful.

The doctor appointments were good and ok, so I felt pretty good when we got home. Since there was time before going to get the boys, we caught up on Glee. I would like to say, the watchdog groups like Parents Television Counsel are fucktards. Anyone who would actively object to the tasteful and truly endearing way that Glee handled the story lines of lost virginity should be ashamed of themselves. This was a show that put adolescent love as the main reason for relations as opposed to just pure lust and hormones. There are shows like 90210 and Gossip Girl that glamorize the whole sexual experience of teens and these are not the shows on trial. Glee, which could have allowed the couples involved to simply get it on with not mentioning it again. Instead, it went over the fears and desires of 17 year olds when sex was the topic. It made so much more sense to not just gloss over it. I was impressed with the whole episode, and not just because I am a Gleek and not just because I want to be Chris Colfer’s BFF.

I did a fabulous walk yesterday. Ken said he would give me the afternoon off and take the boys with him to class. I would just meet him at practice. Ken suggested that I could always walk up there. This was intriguing. I was a little nervous, but he mapped it out and it was only about 3 miles. Not a big deal, so I said sure. We also came up with a better route than just up Carson. I would do some back routes, which would allow me also to walk through Wilson Park. I fixed up my bag to handle the walk and I set out around 2. The practice was at 4:30. Yes, I know, that would give me more than enough time, but one can never be too sure.

I didn’t walk as fast as I normally do on walks. I didn’t dink, though. I enjoyed actually seeing details of the route instead of whizzing by in a car. It wasn’t an easy walk, but it wasn’t so hard that I was dying afterwards. That in itself was a victory to me. I got to the school pretty early, but did managed to waste some time at Wallgreens, rummaging through the remaining Halloween decorations that were on sale.

I just sent in my application for the AYSO treasurer. I figure it looks good on my resume. Plus, it doesn’t sound too hard. I can always try it for a year, and then go from there. I told them I would like to start for next season, not the travel stuff right now. I need some training. I am wondering also if we should sign up the boys for the Spring season. I have to see what everyone says.

PTA will start up shortly, too. I will put my hat into the ring for something. Not sure what yet. I may just do something minor at first. That will let me get my feet wet, yet still do a bunch for the school and to enjoy my boys.

Don’t worry. I have no other political aspirations at this time.

Now I just need to make it through today. No bosses today. It is a holiday, and it is rainy out. Really, it is going to be good. Ken is going to bring me the boys after the home school class, which means I can parade them around to everyone. I can then bring them home with me, get ready for practice, go do that, go make reservations for one soccer party, and then go get presents for the twins. Phew!

Tonight’s practice will freaking rock! Ed wants to have a team vs. parents scrimmage. I am so excited. I know the boys will get a huge kick out of it. It will be a lot of fun all around. I am sure going to miss those boys!

It is going to take a lot of effort to not just sit here today and watch Netflix.