Feline Frustrations

3-29-16

Cats are assholes.

Ok, don’t get me wrong. I adore all of my cats, both past and present, but dammit if they don’t try to give me a heart attack more often than not. Yesterday was a prime example of said assholery.

As I sat on the couch reading a magazine, I hear a crash and see a couple of the cats run up from the downstairs, looking spooked. It wasn’t super unusual, as truly they tend to be the source of whatever fell down or broke or exploded causing their freak out. That being said, it was a little unusual for so many of them to be involved, so I felt I should investigate.

I went down to where the commotion was and noted that the sliding glass door’s screen was off its track. This was clearly caused by the cats teasing Lily to the point in which she jumped on the screen and managed to dislodge it. Not an uncommon thing, and mostly it results in all the cats fleeing for their lives (you know, because my dogs are so vicious. Sheesh). I scanned the room and then looked outside. There was Tonks, looking positively terrified.

CRAP.

Yes, it’s one thing if say Monarch was out. He is street savvy and isn’t even really a flight risk. Usually when he goes outside in a clear act of rebellion, he gets about 2 feet and then promptly falls to the ground, almost begging you to pick him up and rescue him. If Breezer got out, she would just go to the roof and wait for a time in which the chaos has subsided and then would saunter back in as if nothing had happened. But Tonks being outside? This was a code red.

My sweet Tonks

I quickly sequestered the cats in my vicinity and tossed them into the catio, securing them by blocking off the cat door. I had attempted to leave the dogs out, but opted instead to bring them in and send them to the bedroom so that we wouldn’t have that factor causing issues.

Luckily, Tonks was more than happy to make this ordeal end. She wanted to get in the door, so it was good I was able to leave it open while I corralled her. She was emitting this horrid yowl that broke my heart. She already hates people, so then to have to rely on a person, even though she tolerates me, was tough on her. Thankfully, after some strategic movements, I was able to get her to run back inside the house.

At this point, a head count was in order. I had already been confident in knowing where Breezer, Sissy and now Tonks were. I located Monarch, and even Toph (which would have been another red alert being that she has never been outside). The hold out was the one cat that really and truly is not allowed to be in any danger.

Lucy was missing.

Lucy is a classy lady

I would be upset if something happened to any of my cats. It isn’t a secret that I cry at stupid things, so the idea of one of my cats becoming lost or hit by a car because of a screen door would be beyond difficult. But the idea of Lucy, who is really a piece of Bobby, would be so much worse. Not only would I have to mourn a cat. I would also have to comfort Bobby and to see him having his heart ripped out from something like this would kill me.

I quickly ran around the house, calling out to her. I used the sing song voice Bobby uses for her name and I did every single click and kissy sound one uses to call a cat. I was frantic. I checked under chairs and in beds. I checked in closets and under desks. I then ran outside, checking all around the backyard, all the while screaming out to a cat that wasn’t answering.

Panic started to set in. My face was covered in tears, my voice almost becoming hoarse from all the cat calling. I almost drove up to the school to get Bobby since Lucy always comes when he calls her. It was a good 45 minutes before they would normally arive home, and Bobby would be staying late due to the 5th grade project (which apparently involves Torrance High cheerleaders). I was at the end of my rope.

Finally, in a last ditch effort, I busted out a packet of catnip. Lucy is a hard core nip junkie. She sticks her entire head into the bag and doesn’t bother to act even a little lady like. I quickly shook the bag, making its traditional sound that brings the cats running. I stood in the kitchen with it, and then went downstairs to continue to make the music to hopefully lure out this damn cat.

Drug bust

I didn’t see her and started to head back up to the living room when I noted the orange fluff of cat standing on my table. It was Lucy! That bitch was somewhere in the house the whole damn time while I was in a panic. I quickly scooped her up in a huge hug, and as if she seemed to understand my demeanor, she fell limp and allowed this huge violation of cat/human relations to take place. My tears dampened her head significantly, but she didn’t seem to mind.

She spent a lot of time the rest of the afternoon, even after her boy arrived home, coming up to me and chirped her apology mews. She and I don’t hang out much, what with her being attached to Bobby whenever he is home (and sitting near a door when he isn’t, waiting for him to get back). I was grateful that she didn’t seem too angry about my squeezing her so tightly earlier. If I didn’t know any better, I would say she and I actually bonded over the experience.

My household was all safe. Cats and dogs, living together. Mass hysteria. But really, I wouldn’t have it any other way. Now to fix that damn door.