To Baby or Not to Baby-that is the question

4-28-11




The unagi moment of the week happened two days ago.



I arrived home to find Ken cleaning up a bunch of items. I didn’t question it, just happy to have house being worked on. After being home for maybe 45 minutes, conversation turned to his cleaning intentions.



He said that if we were to truly consider having another child, he wanted to know what he needed to do in order to make that happen.



The salmon skin roll to this story is the fact that only earlier that day, I had been going over in my own mind the time table on what needed to be done if I truly wanted to try for Quorra.



Ken pointed out that what he would need to bring to the table, aside from the sperm of course, would be daycare. Instead of spending $600 a month on Maria’s, he would stay home with the kid in the mornings, turning it over to me once I arrived home, at which point he would go to work. But this doesn’t mean that he would be leaving me in charge of things like housework. This would be his contribution to the mix, allowing me to concentrate on the 3 kids when I arrived home.



I was much pleased and it got my gears moving. Sure, I had always been pretty set on only 2 kids. Then again, I also had been dead set on girl and a boy. I also had never anticipated loving pregnancy so dang much, and honestly, being a mom has been super rewarding.



Then yesterday happened.



Don’t worry, it was nothing bad. In fact, it was just a day, but it once again puts factors into the planned ideas. I loomed over Bobby as he worked on homework, all the while fielding questions from Ken about how to word a petition, and also entertaining Dax as he came in and out of the room.



A little later, I walked outside, while having started dinner, played catch with Bobby, still entertained Dax, and had to throw the ball for both dogs before they imploded with excitement. I came in only to continue work on dinner, giving the cats time to yell at me for random things, and oh yeah, Dax still needed some attention. LOL!



Mind you, it was awesome. There is no better feeling than the complete adoration I get from every living thing in my household. I know I am the center of that universe, even when they don’t always listen to me. So doesn’t adding one more to the mix seem like even more love?



Yes, it is, but it is also more headaches. All that needy that my house has tends to come my direction, and if you add an infant, it could fuck with the delicate balance.



While I worked with Bobby on his homework, it occurred to me if I was pregnant today, when that kid was suckling on my boob, I would not just have kindergarten homework to deal with for Dax, I would also have 1st grade homework. Yes, a lot of kinder homework tends to be coloring, but a lot is not. A lot requires attention.



Flip side of this, I don’t have to stand over him. Sitting on a chair, Boppy and baby in lap, I can still direct traffic pretty well. I have always been good at it. Plus, Dax will make kinder homework look like nothing because of his evil genius status, and Bobby is getting better and better every day at his homework, and I have two kids who don’t need me to wipe their butt, or carry or do so many other things for since they are older. Hell, I had a baby with an 18 month old. We managed just fine.



Still, I worry. I am 35. I am obese. I am a doctor’s worst nightmare when it comes to risk factors. I also have a great track record. I had no complications, I had no issues. Hell, I was actually at my most healthy when I was knocked up. Oh, the dilemma.



Another thought was my social life. How selfish, right? But no, it really isn’t. Lately, I have been managing to get out every now and again. I think even those outings might go away with a baby. Ok, not a baby, since I can go out just fine with an infant. It is when they get to walking and what not, that gets tricky.



Logistics come into play, also. Sure, the boys share a room, but where does the baby go? The playroom makes sense, but man, that is a lot of work ahead of us. Then again, it forces us to do it! That is actually quite appealing.



I will need my van back so as to have the family car in full swing. Bobby already has no problem sitting in the very back, so this is helpful. New kid will chill next to Dax.



I guess I question if I am being selfish. I want another kid. I don’t know that I have a good reason, either. Am I neglecting my fantastic, wonderful and awesome boys? Would I still have enough time for Ken? How will the dogs and cats cope? Can I still be a good mom, despite having less of me to go around?



I worry, I fret, I ponder the possibilities. I don’t know that there is a correct answer, and I do know that no matter what we choose, it will be fine. I just want to make sure that I pick the best that I can.



I don’t think I can put off the decision too much longer. I truly need to decide by my birthday if I want to allow nature to decide my household size, or if I will continue to use science and medicine to preserve what I already have. It will be an interesting upcoming month for my head.