suicide

6-17-11






It is an interesting thing. You hear people talking about the stages of grief. I know that it isn’t a perfect list, but it is interesting to experience the “typical” stages. I have actually found myself in denial a couple of times. I will find myself going, “no, I didn’t get the call yesterday. He is fine. It was actually not Doug they found. He isn’t dead”. Isn’t that absurd? Yet I have done it a few times.



I have not done the full anger yet. I know it is there. I just can’t yet. I can’t be mad at him yet. He was sick. I know that to some degree I suppose I should be mad, but honest, when I find myself getting angry, I go back to, “he had inner demons I know very little about.” What kind of person would I be if I could actually yell at him for that?



My ankle hurts today. In my playroom project, I over did it. But the playroom looks good. I was in there when my dad called. I am starting to think the room is cursed since last time I did an epic project in there, Doug called me all upset and came over.



Even though my boss is driving me nuts today, it is probably a good thing. He has given me other things to think about .



I wonder if he will be cremated. I wonder where the funeral will be. I will be upset if it is on Bobby’s last day of school.



I am going to leave at 11 today instead of noon. I just don’t want to deal with my boss’s crap today. I am afraid I will snip at him.



I am needing details. I am used to being able to look it all up on the net. I need to be able to know everything I question. But right now, I have little. I hate this.