12-8-09
Holy fuck its cold!!!! I have on knee high socks, super thick pants, a long sleeve shirt, sweatshirt, a scarf and a hat, plus the heater is on me, yet I am freezing!! Aaarrggghh!!
Thankfully my uber crazy day ended yesterday. Work was driving me batty. It may explain why as soon as I picked up the boys I all of the sudden felt faint and sick. I sat down for a bit and felt better.
It was an odd afternoon. I couldn’t really let the boys out since it was raining. I mean, sure, I could have, but their already existent colds would end up being way worse. They didn’t really want to watch a movie since they had too much energy. Luckily, costumes to the rescue. Both of them opted to dress up like Transformers for the afternoon.
This morning seems to be going poorly. I spilled my ice and my boots broke. Plus, Facebook crashed this morning while I was trying to do stuff. Let’s hope it improves.
Seriously, I am falling asleep. Not good. I also seem to not be able to type. I just took like 3 minutes to be able to type asleep. I just had my hot chocolate and I am nursing a coke, hoping the sugar and caffeine will kick in soon. I just can’t shake it.
I am the biggest asshole mom ever. Ken just called me to ask me where I put the left over hot chocolate. I had to tell him it was in my belly. Apparently he offered the boys some. I am horrid!! So when I get home tonight, I am going to make some more and leave it in the fridge. That way they have some tomorrow. Rotten mommy.
I am now a little more awake. I gossiped a bit with a co worker about another co worker’s “allergies”. She has broken out with a puffy rash on her face more days than not in the last month or so. After some discussion, I pointed out that most of her rash doesn’t seem allergy so much as stress related. This got us on a strange discussion in which she wanted to know my views on people and things in general. Apparently she thinks I am quite insightful. She even wanted me to tell her what I think her biggest problem is. That was kind of fun, especially when she agreed with me 100% on all of what I said.
The conversation then turned to a couple of old co workers and their religious stuff. Kind of interesting, really, when I was able to explain to her that it isn’t the religion that was important, but the faith itself. I said that when you confine yourself to rules and doctrines you basically are insulting Jesus himself. I said that wasn’t Jesus a visionary and he tried to spread good ideas and information. He said things people didn’t say before. So why not honor that by continuing to keep your faith fluid and allow for new ideas and feelings. Jesus shouldn’t be thought of as Jim Jones. I didn’t know the guy, but based on all the hoopla surrounding him, I would imagine he isn’t supposed to be a dude offering up Kool-Aid. I think of him as some kind of funky hippie. Wow, I am so aiming to piss off folks, aren’t I? No, bur with all seriousness, I yes, am not a believer. But I have gobs of respect for people with faith in their heart. Sure, for someone who doesn’t believe, it just seems like someone is putting their lives in the hands of an imaginary friend. But then if you look past that, isn’t that the point of an imaginary friend? Look, humans are insecure. I don’t think I know one person who is secure in their life. There is always something that makes them feel sad or lonely or just wrong. Children turn to things like stuffed animals and imaginary friends as a way to take those fears and have someone who isn’t judgmental and who will love them unconditionally, and will make everything better. Isn’t god the same thing? I am not talking about whether or not this dude is real, I am talking about the feeling that god should be giving someone. Faith in a god should give you that same sense of security where you know that everything will be ok. When it just makes you scared that you are not worthy, then I think perhaps you are doing it wrong.
When I was a kid, I didn’t just have an imaginary friend. I had unlimited friends. I had an imaginary box. In said box, I could conjure up any number of companions. They might be animals, or sometimes people. I could talk to one or 1000. I remember times in which I would dump the box up side down, releasing a zoo’s worth of critters, and having them run along side the car as my mom drove so that they could get some exercise. I kept the box on an imaginary belt around my waste. The box was my escape.
I also didn’t just have one stuffed animal that I confided in. I had 1000. They all had names and back stories. I was never just with one. I had an entourage that included grumpy friends, happy friends, stupid friends, loyal friends, and really, all of the personalities associated with the other dwarf names. Clearly, I was never destined to have a faith in only one god.
I am someone who needs more. I don’t think it is any coincidence that I have a crap load of animals in my house at any given time. It is no secret that I love that so many people comment on my status on Facebook, and it is why I still hold on tight to any person who might have only been in my life for a short time. I need that large of a security blanket in how many people I have in my life. One god would never fulfill me. Sure, I also don’t think he exists, but I don’t know that this is the only reason I don’t believe. Hell, I sometimes (ok a lot) worry stuffed animals still have souls and that you have to wish on every eyelash. I truly believe that Monarch is Goosh reincarnated and I know that Robbie and Granddaddy have visited me in dreams. Religion is not something I believe in. But I do believe in faith, even if I don’t have it in the same conventional way that most people do.
It is a shame that people can’t just be happy with the warmth of what faith should be. They yell at folks who don’t believe the same way. They feel the need to start wars because of it. Look, if you don’t think certain things are right, ok, I understand, but don’t get all testy about it.
I suppose, though, some of those beliefs are hard to stay quiet about. If you are against abortion, and yet someone else is getting one, you feel like that mother is murdering their child. How can you just stand by when you feel a certain way? This is a life in your eyes, so shouldn’t you stand up for them? I don’t know the answer to that. It is tricky. You can make scientific arguments to say that the life form in your body is not a person until they come out. In all technicality, yes, they are just a fetus, which by definition, is not a person. But then again, the second you remove the fetus from your body, they become a baby. And I am not just talking about birthing a child at 40 weeks. A woman who might go into premature labor at 20 weeks still births a child, even though technically they are still a fetus. But as a mother, do you really look at this growth as anything but your baby?
I used to be very callous about fetus and baby arguments. Shoot, I called Bobby Fetus Bob up until he squirted out. I detached myself because I didn’t want to be lumped in with the masses who called their little peanut a baby. Since that time, I think I may have changed my opinion on what constitutes a baby, but I don’t know that I have changed my mind on what abortion is.
When I was only 2 months pregnant, Ken and I went to Body Works. One of the most amazing things you will ever see, really, is this exhibit. The preservation techniques are remarkable. You are looking at a true human being. A person who lived, a person who at one time walked and talked. It is remarkable. Then there was the room. This area was kind of closed off a little more than the other displays. You went into this little area that presented to you, the fetal development of a human from week one to week 40. Yes, week 40 was horrible, especially when week 40 was still in mom. But that is not something I want to focus on right now. What was interesting was seeing week 9, which is where I was at with Bobby. I looked at the little pink thing and was amazed at the details. Although it didn’t look “human”, it certainly didn’t look like any animal. It had the same strange look of one of those squishy toys you get in a vending machine. And even though I knew that clearly, this fetus didn’t make it past week 9, and when removed from the womb was clearly not going to be ok, I still felt a twinge of, hmm, how do I describe it? I felt, well, attached to it. Fetus Bob wasn’t moving enough for me to feel him yet. He was small enough that if I peed him out I wouldn’t even notice that I flushed him down the toilet, yet I knew that him being gone left a hole. That hole is the emotion that makes that fetus a baby. Not legally, not for reals, but in your heart. I can’t fault people for thinking with their hearts.
That being said, looking at it all logically, it is a small hole. Here is where my cold calculating mind takes over. It shuts off from my overly sensitive emotion chip. That fetus is not a viable lifeform. It is simply a parasite. It feeds off of the mother’s nutrients, causing her to consume more and of course gain way more weight than she needs to when pregnant. Not to mention the irrational cravings that I never had the pleasure of taking advantage of. If you removed it from the womb, it would die.
Ok, that being said, there have been fetuses that were no longer in the womb much earlier than their development would like to see. Babies born at 25 weeks. It is crazy. Clearly, they would not have lived, hell, even 20 years ago. The technology is amazing that they have been able to keep these infants alive. These are fetuses, no longer considered a fetus. They have become babies. I am way ok with this.
I understand why people get abortions. I really do. Do I like it? It depends. When a 16 year old gets knocked up and it 4 weeks along and has the common sense to see she is in trouble, I would much rather see her abort the fetus than to have the baby. Let’s face it, hormones alone would be hard on a 16 year old. Plus, then they would want to raise the kid, and most 16 year olds, myself included, would be sucky moms. Adoption, sure, I can see it, but ultimately, why leave the opening that the kid will wonder why their mom bailed on them.
I can safely say, though, I can’t see myself getting an abortion. Since I have now had babies, I know that I would wonder too much about what I was giving up.
Ok, I have now lost my train of thought, so I need to walk away from the heavy topics of abortion and religion. Especially since I am sure I sound like I am full of shit.
Ok, random for you. What is the point of a radio ventriloquist?
No comments:
Post a Comment