Dreamstate

7-17-14

Occasionally, I will have a dream that truly unsettles me. Last night was one of those times.

I don’t remember the specifics, which is probably why it messes with me still. I think the cast of characters and the mood of the dream was what stands out.

David, Greg and even Brandy were in the dream. I am sure the inclusion of so many prominent figures from my past is part of what makes it so wonky. The fact that I was so angry at all of them was also not too surprising. It wouldn’t be the first time that I would be mad at any of them, in and out of my head. But why in the world did I feel the need to be so worked up while sleeping?

One of the things that occurred was that of a Christmas morning. I felt almost like Ebenezer, watching all of this from the outside. I watched these people along with other old and current friends all get together to do Christmas as family. I was pissed. Perhaps it was just due to my lack of inclusion or maybe the festering feelings that made this event feel like it should have been orchestrated by me and not them. Either way, I wanted out. I wanted to know why none of this was a part of me.

I can speculate as to the origin of this dream sequence. I spend a great deal of last night drinking rum and coke while watching old episodes of Friends, all the while texting with both Stephanie and Sarah. It was actually a pretty fun time, despite over indulging on the liquor. I know that one of the desires I had as a teen was this image I watched in my head. I wanted to be friends with these people for my entire existence and I wanted to share holidays together, much like how Monica always hosts Thanksgiving for her friends in the beloved sitcom. I wanted so much to be Monica; the one who has everyone over and includes everyone, friends and family all becoming one.

Alas, this will never come to pass, and in many ways this is ok. I have a beautiful family and my holidays are spent with them, not in some hipster apartment with a laugh track. My true friends are not caricatures of themselves and our problems don’t include what to do with the duck and the chick.

With too much free time comes too much inner contemplation of my lack of people just coming and going in my house. I have a lot of fun being able to do as I please while Ken and the boys are at camp, but the absence of routine is starting to mess with my head. Although I am not looking forward to staying up past my bedtime this evening, the board meeting actually may be just what I need to re-energize myself.