The Sadness

11-8-12

This one won’t be fun.

I have found myself crippled by this overwhelming, and unexplainable, sadness. Ok, I am sure I can find reasons, but ultimately, there is nothing to be this kind of sad. I tried to explain it to Ken. My life has been lather, rinse, repeat, but the lather and rinse have not been soothing. I have not been exactly broadcasting my sad. Too many people I know are dealing with too many other things that, let’s face it, are worse than anything that could possibly making me upset.

The last few weeks have been particularly stressful. Last week was Halloween along with soccer meetings and reports at work. Homework with the boys, although better in terms of them getting it done quicker and happier overall, have left me frustrated in a new way since I can no longer multitask. The house needs tending to. The Halloween decorations need to be put away. Dishes need to be done. Pans need to be scooped. But for now, my focus has to be on getting the boys to finish their homework.

Trust me, it has paid off for them. I know that Bobby got his Principal award last week because of our hard work. Sadly, my stress level has been bad, though, in possibly rubbing off on Dax. His behavior issues in class are upsetting to me, to him and has placed a dark shadow over afternoons, and especially evenings as he knows when he wakes up, he too is going to be in lather, rinse, repeat mode. He is convinced he will do bad, which doesn’t help matters. I feel bad since I do want to punish him, yet I want to encourage him. The problem is, when I spoke to Mr. Williams a couple days ago, he made the comment that Dax didn’t look like he was scared or that he was ever worried about getting into trouble when I picked him up. This bothered me. It made me think that Mr. Williams might think that I am not yelling at my kid enough. Am I too soft on him?

Work has been frustrating. I have been holed up in my corner, which normally is my fortress of solitude, but I am starting to wonder about its effects on my well-being. I have tried to voice my opinion on several procedures with little to no response other than everyone sweeping the incidents under the rug. I am angry, and part of me wants to kick and yell. Then the sane part of me points out I can’t lose this job. It has the best hours ever. It has benefits. It pays well enough. I no longer have a luxury of flying off the handle.

Saturdays should give a hard working mama hope, right? Instead I see it as more lonely. Ken is at the field all day, and I am in charge of the kids. I also have to clean the house since it is the largest chunk of time I have in which to get this done. It is exhausting. When I clean, I am either fighting with the boys to do their chores, or they are out playing so I am just talking to the cats. It is taxing.

By the time soccer is over, everyone is fried and I find myself getting into bed rather early and I feel sad.

I would like to chalk these last couple days of this up to hormones. My period may be fucking with me more than normal. It is possible since this is the first time in a few weeks that I have really taken the time to evaluate what is going on with me.

Either way, if I am distant for a bit it is simply because I am regrouping. I need to find my inner happy again. Yesterday I helped Bobby a lot more liberally with his homework simply because I wanted him to have a win. Both boys seemed to sense my lack of growl and worked harder. They were done with a fair amount of homework in record time. I should have had Bobby do a book report, but since we had done more than enough due stuff early in the week, I decided to give him the afternoon off. They went and were able to play for longer with their friends outside.

I made dinner, which although was met with some resistance, was eaten when presented with the offer of a brownie if they finished. Plus, we watched a movie they had not seen. Agent Cody Banks was not nearly as bad as it could have been.

I drew them a bath so that the minute the movie was over, they had it ready. I presented the bathers with boats and playmobile so this along with the bucket of ducks they enjoy were all kinds of happy making. It also allowed me to talk with Ken, who was only just getting home at about 6:30.

I will find the spark again. I will be happy again. I just need to find the things that make me smile and laugh so that I can once again tackle the stress and frustration head on. With the issues out in the open, it makes it easier. It means it is no longer just something I have kept close inside, allowing it to eat away at me.

 It looks to be a colder weekend, so I think I will try to get some bouillon so I can finally make a batch of soup. I want to crock pot the chicken all day so it is extra nummy.